Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
chains
i am thankful for people that give me tough love... bordering on violent love, but continue to speak truth into my life and remind me i matter most to the one who matters most. he is still chasing after me even when i keep straying. i feel like my life has been defined by a certain something for the past two years. a consistant weight on my shoulders, continually bringing me back to an unhealthy place, causing me be a person i don't want to be- made to feel worthless. not. true.
so glide away and so be healed
and promise not to promise anymore
and if you come around again,
i will not take the chain
from off the door
so glide away and so be healed
and promise not to promise anymore
and if you come around again,
i will not take the chain
from off the door
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
told you so
i've heard it said numerous times that once you get one tattoo, you'll want more. i want another, possibly on my other wrist. the more i research and find more meaning, the more i want it. crap.
i was struck when i heard matthew 5:48, "therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." the greek word for 'perfect' means 'finished, complete, having reached its end,' and implies being fully grown or mature.
grace is opposed to earning, but not opposed to effort. we must desire god's will so much that we seek to please him in every area of our lives-that is holiness. jesus says that god's law was never about mere rules but desires a complete righteousness of the heart, a total devotion to god's purposes in this world. thats part of becoming a disciple.
in the surrounding verses, theres a connection to the inability to be perfect apart from others. the bible links perfection with human relationships. christ urges us to be as perfect as our father in heaven and ties the process to how we treat each other. we cannot withdraw from people and still develop the necessary relationship skills, just as god never leaves us but continues to work with us. he is the one who works perfection in us.
in the verse, god becomes the standard of comparison and it suggests that jesus' instruction is exhortation, setting a goal, not assuming a state to which the hearers have already come. (the issue of whether any christian is perfect is irrelevant here. all of us can learn to better reflect god's character; at the same time, god promises us power to overcome any given temptation; and if we can overcome any temptation, we should choose to say no to every temptation.)
....but when we fail, we can fall back on grace. divine grace. god's gifts are gracious. they are unearned and unmerited by us who have willingly sinned against him, desecrated his beautiful creation and either ignored or neglected his awesome purpose. despite this, his gifts of life are nonetheless unforced, an abundant manifestation of his kind nature. he does not return evil for evil; he does not bear grudges, burn with resentment, or plot to get even. rather, he freely gives even to evil doers while he patiently works toward the completion... perfection... of his purpose.
the greek for 'perfect' is used two other times:
for we all stumble in many ways. and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. if we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. james 2:1-4 (uh, i think a great thing to be reminded of... with permanent ink)
jesus said to him, 'if you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.' matthew 19:21 (again, permanent ink would be helpful. in hopes it will be permanently on my heart)
and similar to genesis 17:1, and the hebrew for blameless: when abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to him and said, 'i am god almighty; walk before me and be blameless.'
i was struck when i heard matthew 5:48, "therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." the greek word for 'perfect' means 'finished, complete, having reached its end,' and implies being fully grown or mature.
grace is opposed to earning, but not opposed to effort. we must desire god's will so much that we seek to please him in every area of our lives-that is holiness. jesus says that god's law was never about mere rules but desires a complete righteousness of the heart, a total devotion to god's purposes in this world. thats part of becoming a disciple.
in the surrounding verses, theres a connection to the inability to be perfect apart from others. the bible links perfection with human relationships. christ urges us to be as perfect as our father in heaven and ties the process to how we treat each other. we cannot withdraw from people and still develop the necessary relationship skills, just as god never leaves us but continues to work with us. he is the one who works perfection in us.
in the verse, god becomes the standard of comparison and it suggests that jesus' instruction is exhortation, setting a goal, not assuming a state to which the hearers have already come. (the issue of whether any christian is perfect is irrelevant here. all of us can learn to better reflect god's character; at the same time, god promises us power to overcome any given temptation; and if we can overcome any temptation, we should choose to say no to every temptation.)
....but when we fail, we can fall back on grace. divine grace. god's gifts are gracious. they are unearned and unmerited by us who have willingly sinned against him, desecrated his beautiful creation and either ignored or neglected his awesome purpose. despite this, his gifts of life are nonetheless unforced, an abundant manifestation of his kind nature. he does not return evil for evil; he does not bear grudges, burn with resentment, or plot to get even. rather, he freely gives even to evil doers while he patiently works toward the completion... perfection... of his purpose.
the greek for 'perfect' is used two other times:
for we all stumble in many ways. and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. if we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. james 2:1-4 (uh, i think a great thing to be reminded of... with permanent ink)
jesus said to him, 'if you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.' matthew 19:21 (again, permanent ink would be helpful. in hopes it will be permanently on my heart)
and similar to genesis 17:1, and the hebrew for blameless: when abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to him and said, 'i am god almighty; walk before me and be blameless.'
top ten
reasons to move to seattle.
9. nature. mountains. redwoods. beautifulness.
8. outdoor activities. bike trails. hiking. camping. snow sports. water sports. trails galore.
7. seasons. cherry blossoms. no need to chase fall. snow. cold. pea coats. snow men. snowball fights. 
6. big city. big buildings. lights. nightlife. public transportation. fun nearby cities- notably, portland, vancouver, san fran... well, all of california via pch.
5. job opportunities. cotn and world vision headquarters. known as both the most highly educated and most literate city in the u.s. no state income tax. its #6 on top cities for singles: http://www.forbes.com/lists/2008/3/forbeslife-cx_singles08_Seattle_2396.html 
4. there's not many things i love more than the feeling of rain drops on my skin. rain boots. cute umbrellas. playing in puddles. 
3. culture. art school. real museums. the music scene. festivals (i.e. tulip festival!). coffee shops on every corner. 
2. mars hill. good teaching. new people. new community. new challenges- being named the most 'unchurched' city in the u.s.
1. it's not florida. 
10. (tie) change. new beginning. getting there via bike rides or road trips or planes. having friends visit.
9. nature. mountains. redwoods. beautifulness.8. outdoor activities. bike trails. hiking. camping. snow sports. water sports. trails galore.7. seasons. cherry blossoms. no need to chase fall. snow. cold. pea coats. snow men. snowball fights. 
6. big city. big buildings. lights. nightlife. public transportation. fun nearby cities- notably, portland, vancouver, san fran... well, all of california via pch.5. job opportunities. cotn and world vision headquarters. known as both the most highly educated and most literate city in the u.s. no state income tax. its #6 on top cities for singles: http://www.forbes.com/lists/2008/3/forbeslife-cx_singles08_Seattle_2396.html 4. there's not many things i love more than the feeling of rain drops on my skin. rain boots. cute umbrellas. playing in puddles. 3. culture. art school. real museums. the music scene. festivals (i.e. tulip festival!). coffee shops on every corner. 2. mars hill. good teaching. new people. new community. new challenges- being named the most 'unchurched' city in the u.s. 1. it's not florida. Friday, October 3, 2008
what have i done, that you did not repair
i have a new plan for my life and i’ve never been so excited about any other plan. so that’s been enough to preoccupy me from how much i’m dissatisfied with life right now. i questioned if its ‘unchristian’ to think like that but soon remembered that there are tons of verses resembling psalm 13--
how long, O LORD? will you forget me forever?
how long will you hide your face from me?
how long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
i find it very funny when people mistake you for someone else. today i was walking into a coffee shop and someone approached me about my job application, as it became apparent that he had mistaken me, his uneasiness also became increasingly apparent. my own discomfort would make me want to flee the scene, but he was the owner and couldn’t. i found it funny.
most tall girls are mistaken for the same person.
i realized a valuable thing about myself and control recently. i’ve been freaking out cause i feel like i have absolutely no control over any aspect of my life. i’ve been flailing around trying to grasp something, manipulate something, so that i could have at least one constant in my life. unsuccessful. entirely, pitifully, embarrassingly, unsuccessful.
what surprised me most about his realization is that i’m usually ok without having control. i’ve been very hands off in my life, dealing with whatever happened. i’ve prided myself on the ability to have faith in god’s plan. i’ve had it too easy in my life and have never been pushed to take control. i was never held responsible for my actions if i pseudo took control.
so, i’ve been ‘giving god control’ of my life in my christian walk, but never had to actually give anything. and now that i do, i don’t know how and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.
and that is what i’ve learned about myself. ah, self discovery.
how long, O LORD? will you forget me forever?
how long will you hide your face from me?
how long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
i find it very funny when people mistake you for someone else. today i was walking into a coffee shop and someone approached me about my job application, as it became apparent that he had mistaken me, his uneasiness also became increasingly apparent. my own discomfort would make me want to flee the scene, but he was the owner and couldn’t. i found it funny.
most tall girls are mistaken for the same person.
i realized a valuable thing about myself and control recently. i’ve been freaking out cause i feel like i have absolutely no control over any aspect of my life. i’ve been flailing around trying to grasp something, manipulate something, so that i could have at least one constant in my life. unsuccessful. entirely, pitifully, embarrassingly, unsuccessful.
what surprised me most about his realization is that i’m usually ok without having control. i’ve been very hands off in my life, dealing with whatever happened. i’ve prided myself on the ability to have faith in god’s plan. i’ve had it too easy in my life and have never been pushed to take control. i was never held responsible for my actions if i pseudo took control.
so, i’ve been ‘giving god control’ of my life in my christian walk, but never had to actually give anything. and now that i do, i don’t know how and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.
and that is what i’ve learned about myself. ah, self discovery.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
you give and take away
if you let your feelings go, its scary what you’ll find.
:update on the last post. make that eight episodes in the last 48 hours. and its totally worth it.:
tonight on my way home from small group i tried to praise god for closed doors. for those closed doors effectuate finding the right ones. i broke down. i’m not doing anything to pursue open doors. i’m like one of those guys from the end of luke nine- where they were like, ‘let me bury my father’ or ‘let me say farewell first.’ i cried out of sense of sadness and despair and then out of an anger that welled up contending, ‘what the hell are you waiting for?!?’ why am i waiting around for my life to start. i want to change the world. i have a holy discontent with being here. i drudge the everyday. i want to be doing something that makes a difference. i have nothing to show for the last couple months of my life. a lot of self pity and hanging on to the past. i’m so mad at myself. i stand waiting at the foot of closed doors hoping their comfort and familiarity will let me back in.
the tears really started pouring when i then came to, now what? this all sounds great, i’ve done a great job of pumping myself up. i can’t do anything till decemeber when i graduate. what do i do till then… what do i do then?
you give and take away. but my heart will choose to say. lord blessed be your name.
:update on the last post. make that eight episodes in the last 48 hours. and its totally worth it.:
tonight on my way home from small group i tried to praise god for closed doors. for those closed doors effectuate finding the right ones. i broke down. i’m not doing anything to pursue open doors. i’m like one of those guys from the end of luke nine- where they were like, ‘let me bury my father’ or ‘let me say farewell first.’ i cried out of sense of sadness and despair and then out of an anger that welled up contending, ‘what the hell are you waiting for?!?’ why am i waiting around for my life to start. i want to change the world. i have a holy discontent with being here. i drudge the everyday. i want to be doing something that makes a difference. i have nothing to show for the last couple months of my life. a lot of self pity and hanging on to the past. i’m so mad at myself. i stand waiting at the foot of closed doors hoping their comfort and familiarity will let me back in.
the tears really started pouring when i then came to, now what? this all sounds great, i’ve done a great job of pumping myself up. i can’t do anything till decemeber when i graduate. what do i do till then… what do i do then?
you give and take away. but my heart will choose to say. lord blessed be your name.
found
in the last two days i've watched five episodes of lost. averaging about 43 minutes, this has easily wasted at least three and half hours of my life. with three more seasons to go, this will be multiplied ten fold. the question is, do i get out while i still can.
i, like the rest of the world, have a crush on jack. which gives me reason to continue. amoung others. but, my name is tainted. shannon being such an uncommon name, its super weird hearing your name said- esp. in such a frustrated manner. i.e. every time her brother says her name.
thats all i got.
i, like the rest of the world, have a crush on jack. which gives me reason to continue. amoung others. but, my name is tainted. shannon being such an uncommon name, its super weird hearing your name said- esp. in such a frustrated manner. i.e. every time her brother says her name.
thats all i got.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
the sun came up with no conclusion
one two, a one two three four.
i am an absolute failure. no really. i’m in good company though. jesus failed. i have found that there’s a couple of inevitables that jesus also dealt with. we differ in how we handle the corollaries. unlike him, i have allowed myself to be defined by these failures. to isolate myself. to live beneath who i am. i haven’t continued to do what i came to do. that’s the incongruity.
in the midst of a horribly failing relationship-- those are jesus’ words to judus. do what you came for.
jesus did everything right and relationships still went bad. relationships require two people to make right choices. jesus’ waterloo. i can’t control any one else’s decisions. their decision to hire me, love me, even like me. jesus watches every single relationship turn away from him for that same reason. the loving part, not the hiring part. he’s god and has the option to change that but deals with the continual devastation of love gone bad. but even still, he can not relate to the feeling of being alone. or living beneath himself. incongruity.
i am fully aware that god never promises anything to be easy. that’s been my on going soapbox, about everything. but i really have been striving to follow him and be honorable in the way i’m living. i’ve been more of a servant than i have my whole life. i’ve tried to be authentic in my love. been sacrificial. patient. honest. doing what i came for. and for what? to wind up unsatisfied with every result. in every way- vocationally, relationally, you name it. i've used this as an excuse to live beneath myself.
we have an obligation to live life in a way god wants us to. in a way the expresses gods design. to live the most honorable way that we can. we have absolute control over that. and only that.
we have received all from him, and i have absolutely nothing i can call my own. except sin. that means taking ownership of my humanity. for both my own failure and sin and for my gifts, talents, passions, intellect entrusted to me. being neutral does not protect me. it defines me. the slave given a talent which he in turn sat on was called wicked and lazy by his master. wicked.
theres nothing in the world stopping me from being the person He called me to be except for myself. it is the real christian's liberty and privilege to be employed as his redeemer's servant, in promoting his glory, and the good of his people: the love of christ constrains him to live no longer to himself, but to Him that died for him, and rose again. those who think it impossible to please god, and in vain to serve him, will do nothing to purpose in religion.
please pardon my seemingly half-time-esque pep talk that i'm delivering to myself. i forget far too easily. its good for my soul to have it archived.
i’ve failed. i don’t see the reason yet. but i trust i will. i can’t remember where i read this commentary, or what verse it was talking about. but something about a process (of making – something – that’s alluded to in the bible) that required burning that something in the fire until it reached a point where it would then clearly reflect light. but it didn’t start as a reflective material. whatever the case. that’s whats happening. and i’m sure one of my myriad of readers will be able to know what i’m talking about. sike.
I was a little girl alone in my little world
who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees,
and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,
and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
Now I'm old and feeling grey.
I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well,
there's many tales I've lived to tell.
I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.
i am an absolute failure. no really. i’m in good company though. jesus failed. i have found that there’s a couple of inevitables that jesus also dealt with. we differ in how we handle the corollaries. unlike him, i have allowed myself to be defined by these failures. to isolate myself. to live beneath who i am. i haven’t continued to do what i came to do. that’s the incongruity.
in the midst of a horribly failing relationship-- those are jesus’ words to judus. do what you came for.
jesus did everything right and relationships still went bad. relationships require two people to make right choices. jesus’ waterloo. i can’t control any one else’s decisions. their decision to hire me, love me, even like me. jesus watches every single relationship turn away from him for that same reason. the loving part, not the hiring part. he’s god and has the option to change that but deals with the continual devastation of love gone bad. but even still, he can not relate to the feeling of being alone. or living beneath himself. incongruity.
i am fully aware that god never promises anything to be easy. that’s been my on going soapbox, about everything. but i really have been striving to follow him and be honorable in the way i’m living. i’ve been more of a servant than i have my whole life. i’ve tried to be authentic in my love. been sacrificial. patient. honest. doing what i came for. and for what? to wind up unsatisfied with every result. in every way- vocationally, relationally, you name it. i've used this as an excuse to live beneath myself.
we have an obligation to live life in a way god wants us to. in a way the expresses gods design. to live the most honorable way that we can. we have absolute control over that. and only that.
we have received all from him, and i have absolutely nothing i can call my own. except sin. that means taking ownership of my humanity. for both my own failure and sin and for my gifts, talents, passions, intellect entrusted to me. being neutral does not protect me. it defines me. the slave given a talent which he in turn sat on was called wicked and lazy by his master. wicked.
theres nothing in the world stopping me from being the person He called me to be except for myself. it is the real christian's liberty and privilege to be employed as his redeemer's servant, in promoting his glory, and the good of his people: the love of christ constrains him to live no longer to himself, but to Him that died for him, and rose again. those who think it impossible to please god, and in vain to serve him, will do nothing to purpose in religion.
please pardon my seemingly half-time-esque pep talk that i'm delivering to myself. i forget far too easily. its good for my soul to have it archived.
i’ve failed. i don’t see the reason yet. but i trust i will. i can’t remember where i read this commentary, or what verse it was talking about. but something about a process (of making – something – that’s alluded to in the bible) that required burning that something in the fire until it reached a point where it would then clearly reflect light. but it didn’t start as a reflective material. whatever the case. that’s whats happening. and i’m sure one of my myriad of readers will be able to know what i’m talking about. sike.
I was a little girl alone in my little world
who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees,
and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,
and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
Now I'm old and feeling grey.
I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well,
there's many tales I've lived to tell.
I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
over under
i live in orlando circa now. over under--here's what i've been learning.
_its never a good idea in an interview to confirm to an employer that you are essentially everything they do not want in an employee.
_not everyone flosses after they brush their teeth. apparently there is not a consensus among dentists about flossing advice on before or after brushing.
_everything is raw material. everything is relevant. everything is usable.
_iron sharpening iron causes sparks. there’s necessary friction. always.
_god has breathed life into us. god's spirit is at the heart of action. the aliveness of god. the creating presence of god. i learned the verb 'create' from genesis 1 is used throughout the bible. the spirit not only created but creates. so my prayers lately have followed the lines of psalm 51:10, "create in me..."
_sometimes when you begin to talk about a crush, he suddenly walks into your office building. wind blowing through the hair, perfect outfit, abs contracted... and giggles inevitably burst without any attempts to restrain on my half.
_i really want to chase fall again. god was at the apex of creativity when he created leaves that change color.
_it doesn’t matter where you live- you can turn any venue or destination into a field trip. if you’re looking for beauty.
the end.
el fin.
_its never a good idea in an interview to confirm to an employer that you are essentially everything they do not want in an employee.
_not everyone flosses after they brush their teeth. apparently there is not a consensus among dentists about flossing advice on before or after brushing.
_everything is raw material. everything is relevant. everything is usable.
_iron sharpening iron causes sparks. there’s necessary friction. always.
_god has breathed life into us. god's spirit is at the heart of action. the aliveness of god. the creating presence of god. i learned the verb 'create' from genesis 1 is used throughout the bible. the spirit not only created but creates. so my prayers lately have followed the lines of psalm 51:10, "create in me..."
_sometimes when you begin to talk about a crush, he suddenly walks into your office building. wind blowing through the hair, perfect outfit, abs contracted... and giggles inevitably burst without any attempts to restrain on my half.
_i really want to chase fall again. god was at the apex of creativity when he created leaves that change color.
_it doesn’t matter where you live- you can turn any venue or destination into a field trip. if you’re looking for beauty.
the end.
el fin.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
i want to set the world on fire
i’m an all or nothing type of person. this isn’t a reiteration of whats been said about me having fleeting passions. its truth uncovered once again that i find sometimes true of my walk with god. something will ignite my fire and i’ll want to read my whole bible… in a day, read commentaries, theology, get podcasts, talk about god endlessly. but unfailingly, i will go back to my normal routine at best… but sadly sometimes it results in me not picking up my bible for days at a time, as i come crashing down from my high. the extremes and the time between each is truly satirical.
i’m rereading ‘irrestible revolution.’ it wreaks me. it makes me long to be the ‘all in’ type of christian i want to be. we should be. my soul aches to do something radical like sell all of my stuff and move overseas. to live in a community house. to just love people for a living. theres something in me who longs to truly change the world. to do something with whats been given to me. the book poses jesus meaning the stuff he said and i cant seem to let go of the verse mentioned in the book--‘very truly i tell you, all who have faith in me will do the works i have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because i am going to the father.’ john 14:12.
greater things.
than jesus?
“we pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. my god, you will say, if i do that my whole life will be ruined. how would i ever get on in the world?”
i am an all or nothing type of person to a fault. i know. i should find a healthy balance. and be moving at a maintainable speed in the positive direction… consistently. i realize there’s a way to be jesus to orlando right now. but it doesn’t seem like enough, so i get discouraged from even trying. that’s a lie from the pit of hell. (italicized implies deep southern accent).
but i still want to pack up and move overseas. tomorrow.
i want to set the world on fire
till its burning bright for you
i’m rereading ‘irrestible revolution.’ it wreaks me. it makes me long to be the ‘all in’ type of christian i want to be. we should be. my soul aches to do something radical like sell all of my stuff and move overseas. to live in a community house. to just love people for a living. theres something in me who longs to truly change the world. to do something with whats been given to me. the book poses jesus meaning the stuff he said and i cant seem to let go of the verse mentioned in the book--‘very truly i tell you, all who have faith in me will do the works i have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because i am going to the father.’ john 14:12.
greater things.
than jesus?
“we pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. my god, you will say, if i do that my whole life will be ruined. how would i ever get on in the world?”
i am an all or nothing type of person to a fault. i know. i should find a healthy balance. and be moving at a maintainable speed in the positive direction… consistently. i realize there’s a way to be jesus to orlando right now. but it doesn’t seem like enough, so i get discouraged from even trying. that’s a lie from the pit of hell. (italicized implies deep southern accent).
but i still want to pack up and move overseas. tomorrow.
i want to set the world on fire
till its burning bright for you
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
a fickle lover
i'm a sluty kind of passionate person.
strengths and weaknesses. go.
hurricanes are ridiculous.
i want to see the world.
i need to get better at saving my money in order to do so.
i want to see china weifang kite fights.
lorna doone are my weakness.
aslan is breathtaking.
i want to be an olympian!
strengths and weaknesses. go.
hurricanes are ridiculous.
i want to see the world.
i need to get better at saving my money in order to do so.
i want to see china weifang kite fights.
lorna doone are my weakness.
aslan is breathtaking.
i want to be an olympian!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
no hateration in this dancery
yesterday i was nannying and the littlest guy accidentally slammed shailee’s finger in the door. immediately she started screaming. upon hearing this, poor little guy immediately started screaming and crying ten fold. no doubt, it was derived in fear of punishment that ensues after basically all of their interactions. he is a violent little man and packs a lot of strength, unaware of his own capabilities or the consequences of his actions. anyway. this might seem like a stretch but romans 12 verse came to mind. ‘rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.’
i’m not good at fluffy language. not good at putting things gently. i haven’t experienced a lot of hard things in my life. i have trouble empathizing. sympathize well enough. but to be able to truly identify with and understand another person’s feelings or difficulties. to mourn. literally mourn when someone has had the crappiest week of their life. have so much compassion for a person that i could break out in genuine tears when i see someone upset. i fail.
at least i have found something to live up to.
i’m not good at fluffy language. not good at putting things gently. i haven’t experienced a lot of hard things in my life. i have trouble empathizing. sympathize well enough. but to be able to truly identify with and understand another person’s feelings or difficulties. to mourn. literally mourn when someone has had the crappiest week of their life. have so much compassion for a person that i could break out in genuine tears when i see someone upset. i fail.
at least i have found something to live up to.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
jeremiah 2:13
youre the god of this city
youre the king of these people
youre the lord of this nation
youre the light in this darkness
youre the hope to the hopeless
youre the peace to the restless
there is no one like our God
greater things have yet to come
greater things are still to be done
in this city
things have not been going my way lately. its so discouraging. the things that i want most. have worked really hard for. the things i feel are right, have prayed a lot about, have a peace about… are just out of my reach. i’m doing everything i can to strive towards something that i feel i deserve and should be rewarded for. i’m realizing that’s not how god operates. duh. but it gets tricky when youre doing and wanting the things that you feel God would do and want, and what He would do and want for me.
after sunday’s service i went to the top of a parking garage downtown and cried out to God. i had my ipod on shuffle and after i had lamented, i sat and soaked up the beautiful sunset. oh it was glorious, i wish you could have seen it. ‘god of this city’ came on. at first i began applying it to the literal city before my eyes and the impact i could hope to have. i started to make it about the lost people in orlando and was praying for them. then i felt God whispering it to me… ‘greater things have yet to come. greater things are still to be done.
in you.’
i am humbled again to realize i am not god. i have no idea what’s best for me.
i don’t know how people get through things like this without the hope we have in Christ. constantly putting my hope in things that wont hold. and the lack of perspective God provides about suffering- that he is using it to change us and shape us and develop our character. the ways he answers prayer baffles me, his provision of manna- literally meaning ‘what is this’ … what the heck are you doing here God?? what will this lead to?? this would dishearten me to my core without hope. ‘surprised by hope’ says that hope for christians is not wishful thinking or blind optimism- it is the mode of knowing that new things are possible. that i can become new. at the moment of resurrection heaven was brought to earth. God is blind to my past sin. ah. i am new.
my idea of what’s best for me in this moment is going to be shadowed by the better plans God has in store. greater things are yet to come. i have hope for new things. for the continuation of my development as a new person. and placing my hope in the living water. water that doesn’t sit still, always filled with new possibilities. greater things are still to be done.
‘they had been seeing it as the long story of how God would redeem Israel from suffering but it was instead the story of how God would redeem Israel through suffering’
youre the king of these people
youre the lord of this nation
youre the light in this darkness
youre the hope to the hopeless
youre the peace to the restless
there is no one like our God
greater things have yet to come
greater things are still to be done
in this city
things have not been going my way lately. its so discouraging. the things that i want most. have worked really hard for. the things i feel are right, have prayed a lot about, have a peace about… are just out of my reach. i’m doing everything i can to strive towards something that i feel i deserve and should be rewarded for. i’m realizing that’s not how god operates. duh. but it gets tricky when youre doing and wanting the things that you feel God would do and want, and what He would do and want for me.
after sunday’s service i went to the top of a parking garage downtown and cried out to God. i had my ipod on shuffle and after i had lamented, i sat and soaked up the beautiful sunset. oh it was glorious, i wish you could have seen it. ‘god of this city’ came on. at first i began applying it to the literal city before my eyes and the impact i could hope to have. i started to make it about the lost people in orlando and was praying for them. then i felt God whispering it to me… ‘greater things have yet to come. greater things are still to be done.
in you.’
i am humbled again to realize i am not god. i have no idea what’s best for me.
i don’t know how people get through things like this without the hope we have in Christ. constantly putting my hope in things that wont hold. and the lack of perspective God provides about suffering- that he is using it to change us and shape us and develop our character. the ways he answers prayer baffles me, his provision of manna- literally meaning ‘what is this’ … what the heck are you doing here God?? what will this lead to?? this would dishearten me to my core without hope. ‘surprised by hope’ says that hope for christians is not wishful thinking or blind optimism- it is the mode of knowing that new things are possible. that i can become new. at the moment of resurrection heaven was brought to earth. God is blind to my past sin. ah. i am new.
my idea of what’s best for me in this moment is going to be shadowed by the better plans God has in store. greater things are yet to come. i have hope for new things. for the continuation of my development as a new person. and placing my hope in the living water. water that doesn’t sit still, always filled with new possibilities. greater things are still to be done.
‘they had been seeing it as the long story of how God would redeem Israel from suffering but it was instead the story of how God would redeem Israel through suffering’
Sunday, August 10, 2008
loch ness
i like adding ‘ness’ to words to justify them in my sentences that wouldn’t make sense otherwise.
no.
wait.
ness doesn’t ‘make sense’ regardless.
i got a tattoo.
wait.
what?
i’ve always wanted one but couldn’t decide what i wanted. i like words. in general. i would never want a design. the type of art i like doesn’t translate well to tattoos. sorry if i offend. but in general, i think most tattoos have a tendency to look cheesy and cartoony.
so on one random day last week i randomly landed on the greek word charis, which literally means, “that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness.” one shouldn't act out of peer pressure in these situations, pick the first cool word that looks kinda cool in some kind of cool language that doesn't necessarily have any meaning to me other than it somewhat pertains to the bible and the time period. i don't think i totally thought it through. wait. i know i didn't.
i don’t fully yet know the meaning of my tattoo. which has proved embarrassing on several occasions in its short lifespan. true or false: i told someone the language it was written in incorrectly. true. its not hebrew. and i fail to adequately recite the literal translation. which is beautiful in and of itself. not true when i fumble through it recalling, ‘something about joy and loveliness and grace…ness’
i seem to have confused the order, because its only after i’ve permanently embossed my wrist that i’ve begun mulling over these words and discovering what grace really means to me. ordinary people might see the importance of extensive research and thought prior to putting something permanent on his or her body. not how i operate.
grace has been a huge part of my life. its what orginally captured my heart. that i, the epitome of a selfish sinful brat, was trying (terribly unsuccessfully) to find some kind of lasting joy and escape from the path i was on. an otherwise hopeless situation, grace upset my human notion about merit, about what i deserved, and what is due as recompense. i was a prodigal daughter who lavishly lived my life with no consideration of anything or one and did (and do) not deserve a thing, but turned to a Father who welcomed me handsomely, lavishly pouring love and grace on me. and since then i’ve been on a path of merciful restoration.
i feel like that is the literal and obvious translation for grace-- that it describes the means by which humans are saved from the original sin, died for, and granted salvation. but i think what i want to remember when i look at my tattoo is the empowering presence in my life that continually works to enable me to do and be what i was created to do and be. i like the definition of divine grace as, ‘an indispensable gift from God for development, improvement, and character expansion.’ without God's grace, there are certain limitations, weaknesses, flaws, impurities, and faults humankind cannot overcome. at the same time i do not disregard the meaningful, more broad reference of God's gifts to humankind, including life, creation, and salvation. i do not want to ever forget the moment i allowed for His lavishing of grace upon me, but more so see it as a perpetual bestowing of gifts i do not deserve yet ceaselessly depend on.
to become the type of person that can change the world.
finally. i watched an amazing movie that made me want... a male fallen star?
[this is quote from a star, reincarnated into a girl...]
“You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.”
no.
wait.
ness doesn’t ‘make sense’ regardless.
i got a tattoo.
wait.
what?
i’ve always wanted one but couldn’t decide what i wanted. i like words. in general. i would never want a design. the type of art i like doesn’t translate well to tattoos. sorry if i offend. but in general, i think most tattoos have a tendency to look cheesy and cartoony.
so on one random day last week i randomly landed on the greek word charis, which literally means, “that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness.” one shouldn't act out of peer pressure in these situations, pick the first cool word that looks kinda cool in some kind of cool language that doesn't necessarily have any meaning to me other than it somewhat pertains to the bible and the time period. i don't think i totally thought it through. wait. i know i didn't.
i don’t fully yet know the meaning of my tattoo. which has proved embarrassing on several occasions in its short lifespan. true or false: i told someone the language it was written in incorrectly. true. its not hebrew. and i fail to adequately recite the literal translation. which is beautiful in and of itself. not true when i fumble through it recalling, ‘something about joy and loveliness and grace…ness’
i seem to have confused the order, because its only after i’ve permanently embossed my wrist that i’ve begun mulling over these words and discovering what grace really means to me. ordinary people might see the importance of extensive research and thought prior to putting something permanent on his or her body. not how i operate.
grace has been a huge part of my life. its what orginally captured my heart. that i, the epitome of a selfish sinful brat, was trying (terribly unsuccessfully) to find some kind of lasting joy and escape from the path i was on. an otherwise hopeless situation, grace upset my human notion about merit, about what i deserved, and what is due as recompense. i was a prodigal daughter who lavishly lived my life with no consideration of anything or one and did (and do) not deserve a thing, but turned to a Father who welcomed me handsomely, lavishly pouring love and grace on me. and since then i’ve been on a path of merciful restoration.
i feel like that is the literal and obvious translation for grace-- that it describes the means by which humans are saved from the original sin, died for, and granted salvation. but i think what i want to remember when i look at my tattoo is the empowering presence in my life that continually works to enable me to do and be what i was created to do and be. i like the definition of divine grace as, ‘an indispensable gift from God for development, improvement, and character expansion.’ without God's grace, there are certain limitations, weaknesses, flaws, impurities, and faults humankind cannot overcome. at the same time i do not disregard the meaningful, more broad reference of God's gifts to humankind, including life, creation, and salvation. i do not want to ever forget the moment i allowed for His lavishing of grace upon me, but more so see it as a perpetual bestowing of gifts i do not deserve yet ceaselessly depend on.
to become the type of person that can change the world.
in turn providing me delight. loveliness. joy.
finally. i watched an amazing movie that made me want... a male fallen star?
[this is quote from a star, reincarnated into a girl...]
“You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.”
stardust. watch it. now.
Friday, August 1, 2008
a rant.
theres nothing i love more than finding little secrets of a city. probably not so secret, but i recently discovered a fabulous cupcake shop as well as a fabulous book store. i think i might find my life's worth if i were to open a little gem of my own. filled with hand made things and art, books, good coffee, comfy seats. hmm. yes. that is a dream. i have come to love drunken monkey and its unique touches. not to mention their delicious treats. i've been in there everyday basically and i hope i don't start getting dirty looks as they notice my trend of taking the best seat next to the outlets.
on that note! people need to take better notice to other people's stares. if you are being unpleasantly loud in a quiet place when people are clearly trying to read, write, or enjoy their own conversations, please take notice of people continually turning around and staring at you. the look doesn't imply that one likes your outfit or that he or she would necessarily want to hear what you're saying... glaring eyes and an unpleasant smirks generally request a softer voice. they must have missed the memo that was sent to the human race. harsh? maybe. but i will be alert and considerate of drunken monkey patrons' looks to be sure.
on that note! people need to take better notice to other people's stares. if you are being unpleasantly loud in a quiet place when people are clearly trying to read, write, or enjoy their own conversations, please take notice of people continually turning around and staring at you. the look doesn't imply that one likes your outfit or that he or she would necessarily want to hear what you're saying... glaring eyes and an unpleasant smirks generally request a softer voice. they must have missed the memo that was sent to the human race. harsh? maybe. but i will be alert and considerate of drunken monkey patrons' looks to be sure.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
sweet mercies fall from heaven
i’ve always been decent at faking it. i’ve learned to speak christianese and can look pretty blameless from the outside. not so with my mentor. shes such an amazing woman of god that she can see right through my phoniness. she asks questions i can’t answer. has relationship that is so rooted in reverence and love that she puts me to shame. i’m not looking at it as some kind of righteous competition, but i can’t cover up the fact that i skimmed through the reading right before i came or fake true excitement that comes from a overjoy of god’s goodness.
that’s challenging.
i love it. it didn’t take me long to realize that what worked in other settings was not successful with carolyn. conversations were dry, short, and one-sided. it was embarrassing. i felt like running away, calling in sick, but i reverted to the contrary. i read more thoroughly and slowly, and researched so that i could somehow keep up with her in conversation. that i could show the same excitement about god’s word and truth. i did what i said i was going to do. actually prayed for her prayer requests during the week. it worked. god showed up in my time with him. and conversations have been so rich since then, some of the best and most challenging conversations i’ve had in my life. wrestling together with verses, talking about struggles, and expressing our love and gratitude toward a holy god. the result of trying to impress carolyn is transforming my heart and i am now doing it because of god’s faithfulness. i love being truly in love with my god, and am in pursuit for the continuance of the relationship that's developed with god from the relationship with carolyn. not only because i just want to impress her anymore.
for me, this strengthens what i’ve thought and what i’ve had conversations about discipline. we have to get our bodies in the right place- no matter what it takes, for god to grab hold. god used carolyn for me. we often have to take those steps on our own to meet god. he’s been here the whole time. yes. but i think there has to be an unveiling of sorts, a stepping up to the plate, but even that involves some work on our part as we emerge from the dug out.
second thing on my heart right now:
i advise you and remind myself, that you should never devalue the worth of other people’s advice. people who love you and want the best for you can often see when your hurting yourself better than you can yourself. when you’re in it, temporary pleasure can cloud your vision. they remind you that some people never change and never will. they will remind you of your worth. how much god freaking adores you, and that you can rest easy with that knowledge. the rest is insignificant.
i want people in my life who challenge me. i want people in my life who tell me hard truths. who have my best interest in mind and conscious of the wellbeing of my heart. who listen. who have the unselfish god-like type of agape love for me. i want people in my life who remind me of my worth. remind me that god is doing beautiful things to my heart, loves me when i get it wrong sometimes, but that i am still valuable beyond measure.
that’s challenging.
i love it. it didn’t take me long to realize that what worked in other settings was not successful with carolyn. conversations were dry, short, and one-sided. it was embarrassing. i felt like running away, calling in sick, but i reverted to the contrary. i read more thoroughly and slowly, and researched so that i could somehow keep up with her in conversation. that i could show the same excitement about god’s word and truth. i did what i said i was going to do. actually prayed for her prayer requests during the week. it worked. god showed up in my time with him. and conversations have been so rich since then, some of the best and most challenging conversations i’ve had in my life. wrestling together with verses, talking about struggles, and expressing our love and gratitude toward a holy god. the result of trying to impress carolyn is transforming my heart and i am now doing it because of god’s faithfulness. i love being truly in love with my god, and am in pursuit for the continuance of the relationship that's developed with god from the relationship with carolyn. not only because i just want to impress her anymore.
for me, this strengthens what i’ve thought and what i’ve had conversations about discipline. we have to get our bodies in the right place- no matter what it takes, for god to grab hold. god used carolyn for me. we often have to take those steps on our own to meet god. he’s been here the whole time. yes. but i think there has to be an unveiling of sorts, a stepping up to the plate, but even that involves some work on our part as we emerge from the dug out.
second thing on my heart right now:
i advise you and remind myself, that you should never devalue the worth of other people’s advice. people who love you and want the best for you can often see when your hurting yourself better than you can yourself. when you’re in it, temporary pleasure can cloud your vision. they remind you that some people never change and never will. they will remind you of your worth. how much god freaking adores you, and that you can rest easy with that knowledge. the rest is insignificant.
i want people in my life who challenge me. i want people in my life who tell me hard truths. who have my best interest in mind and conscious of the wellbeing of my heart. who listen. who have the unselfish god-like type of agape love for me. i want people in my life who remind me of my worth. remind me that god is doing beautiful things to my heart, loves me when i get it wrong sometimes, but that i am still valuable beyond measure.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
no beauty could have come from me
i love color.
i prefer not to use paint straight from the tube, something a design teacher has strongly embedded in me. i love the quest for just the right combination of colors and have wasted a lot of paint in pursuit of these certain aesthetics. either i keep needing to add different colors that compound to unnecessary amounts. or because i've watched my attempts dissolve into murky browns.
the evolution of mixing paint is beautiful to watch, as either one color slowly takes over another or together compromise on something in the middle. within seconds the two colors from different worlds have made something beautiful and fresh, and what i find amazing is the limitless possibilities of different shades and hues. really. there are billions of steps to get from just one shade of green to one shade of blue. and then billions shades of both green and blue. that equals a hecka lot of color possibilities friend.
let it be known that i do not allocate this love for color to neons and pastels. i love deep rich hues. jewel tones. and even more so, i love enriching a color by supplementing it with another. complementary colors are intended to do this, which accounts for my love. i wont try to go to great lengths to describe the colors. paint companies are so good at capturing a color with a name. i really enjoy, too much probably, going to home depot and looking at samples. but lately i'm enamored with deep blues paired with bright oranges, windsor haze and vintage orange; and deep purples accompanying mustard yellows, meadow flower and bee pollen.
i've forced myself to start painting for at least 15 minutes before i go to bed for the past couple weeks. first i was obligatory working on long expected paintings for my mom, but other than that, nothing extraordinary or tangible has come out of it. but its a great discipline that is sure to produce something if kept up.
the most vital thing for me through this is allowing myself to mess up.
i am so paralyzed to even touch a canvas because i don't know what the result will be. my creativity therefore remains stagnate. ideas aren't even given a chance. colors are confined to their own paint tubes. i expect something to magically appear the moment i start, and want to give up when it inevitably doesn't. i get overwhelmed by the fact that someone else will see it and judge it, so it has to be beautiful. perfect. instantly.
nay nay fair maid. in my opinion beauty in its best form results in the passing of time. best example being nature. and the beauty and wisdom of wrinkles. its been tested. taught. worked. reworked. critiqued.
over and over i've been reminded in transcribing exodus, that god's timing is often not in line with ours. his ways are not our ways. thoughts not our thoughts. i digress.
my favorite paintings are ones that have countless amounts of layers. ones that have been worked. you can see in certain paintings that the artist literally poured themselves into it. attacking the canvas. revealing brushstrokes underneath. under drawings. scratching at the surface. i admire them.
i set out just to say that i'm currently obsessed with burgundy and mustard. and wind up with this.
i prefer not to use paint straight from the tube, something a design teacher has strongly embedded in me. i love the quest for just the right combination of colors and have wasted a lot of paint in pursuit of these certain aesthetics. either i keep needing to add different colors that compound to unnecessary amounts. or because i've watched my attempts dissolve into murky browns.
the evolution of mixing paint is beautiful to watch, as either one color slowly takes over another or together compromise on something in the middle. within seconds the two colors from different worlds have made something beautiful and fresh, and what i find amazing is the limitless possibilities of different shades and hues. really. there are billions of steps to get from just one shade of green to one shade of blue. and then billions shades of both green and blue. that equals a hecka lot of color possibilities friend.
let it be known that i do not allocate this love for color to neons and pastels. i love deep rich hues. jewel tones. and even more so, i love enriching a color by supplementing it with another. complementary colors are intended to do this, which accounts for my love. i wont try to go to great lengths to describe the colors. paint companies are so good at capturing a color with a name. i really enjoy, too much probably, going to home depot and looking at samples. but lately i'm enamored with deep blues paired with bright oranges, windsor haze and vintage orange; and deep purples accompanying mustard yellows, meadow flower and bee pollen.
i've forced myself to start painting for at least 15 minutes before i go to bed for the past couple weeks. first i was obligatory working on long expected paintings for my mom, but other than that, nothing extraordinary or tangible has come out of it. but its a great discipline that is sure to produce something if kept up.
the most vital thing for me through this is allowing myself to mess up.
i am so paralyzed to even touch a canvas because i don't know what the result will be. my creativity therefore remains stagnate. ideas aren't even given a chance. colors are confined to their own paint tubes. i expect something to magically appear the moment i start, and want to give up when it inevitably doesn't. i get overwhelmed by the fact that someone else will see it and judge it, so it has to be beautiful. perfect. instantly.
nay nay fair maid. in my opinion beauty in its best form results in the passing of time. best example being nature. and the beauty and wisdom of wrinkles. its been tested. taught. worked. reworked. critiqued.
over and over i've been reminded in transcribing exodus, that god's timing is often not in line with ours. his ways are not our ways. thoughts not our thoughts. i digress.
my favorite paintings are ones that have countless amounts of layers. ones that have been worked. you can see in certain paintings that the artist literally poured themselves into it. attacking the canvas. revealing brushstrokes underneath. under drawings. scratching at the surface. i admire them.
i set out just to say that i'm currently obsessed with burgundy and mustard. and wind up with this.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
nascent
check check one two.
in the past few years i’ve really enjoyed discovering who i am and what my past has molded me into. what may seem blatantly obvious has taken me years to uncover. previously content with who i was, not contested, not having any models, not knowing any other way… i floated along. but now i am challenged to be a captivating woman, and that longing has naturally progressed to this. i cringe at the declaration of maturing... but now this comprises of ‘introspective’ blog posts about these actualizations.
its comical.
i invite you into the places where i hide so that it might be harder for me to go back there.
people make me feel more alive. i never thought i was an extrovert. i have a tendency to retreat when i’m going through something. a genuine incapability to communicate. pride. trying to find the balance of keeping a composure in public but being allowed to be ‘not ok’ sometimes. i like to avoid all of that. defense mechanism. i thought i was an introvert because of this reality about myself. false.
i like having schemes when i’m eating. usually this involves saving the best for last. like eating the crust first. except in chicken sandwiches, in which case you save the best edge for last. good salad toppings: last. pop tarts have a very complex routine. desserts generally have a best case scenario for what bites taste best at certain points of the procedure. schemes collapse with breakfast foods. without exception, breakfast food tastes better hot. it then just becomes a matter of speed. true.
psalm 55:16-17 points to a beautiful truth. my women’s small group took on the, ‘snooze button reformation challenge,’ in which we are gleaning the truth of praying at certain times of the day and watching for god to show up. being silent to hear. and having fresh eyes to see. i eagerly anticipate the results and know god will be faithful. true.
nothing lately has been more gut retching, goose bump giving, and heart melting then catching tender glances. like the mom looking at her children. but maybe even more so, when i get the chance to see an older husband or wife look at their significant other with eyes that say, ‘i have chosen to love you every day through this crazy adventure of marriage and will continue to do so until the day i die. after all this time, you still hold the key to my heart and make it beat faster.’ the rest of the world fades away. i saw an older couple dancing to [less than par] jazz music. ok, flat out, everyone was actually pitying this couple that happened to be on the dance floor on accident when the bad set had started. but they did not hear one bad melody. one piercing note. one horrible lyric sang in a key too high. at least that’s what their eyes conveyed. sappy? true.
i redeem myself with the actualization that i value marriage too highly. this is by far not my original actualization, but agree that marriage is a lot of people’s attempt at intense community. marriage automatically, and more easily, satisfies the way we were meant to do life together. and our deep desires for that. americans really do have to work hard at intentional community but i believe everyone is substantially fulfilled by it. in different levels but overall, its in our design. i long to do life with people. marriage will accomplish that, but i’ve beginning to see that there’s more creative ways to achieve it. true.
i don’t want to have someone look at me in similar fashion one day. false.
nas·cent adj: 1. in the process of emerging, being born, or starting to develop.
in the past few years i’ve really enjoyed discovering who i am and what my past has molded me into. what may seem blatantly obvious has taken me years to uncover. previously content with who i was, not contested, not having any models, not knowing any other way… i floated along. but now i am challenged to be a captivating woman, and that longing has naturally progressed to this. i cringe at the declaration of maturing... but now this comprises of ‘introspective’ blog posts about these actualizations.
its comical.
i invite you into the places where i hide so that it might be harder for me to go back there.
people make me feel more alive. i never thought i was an extrovert. i have a tendency to retreat when i’m going through something. a genuine incapability to communicate. pride. trying to find the balance of keeping a composure in public but being allowed to be ‘not ok’ sometimes. i like to avoid all of that. defense mechanism. i thought i was an introvert because of this reality about myself. false.
i like having schemes when i’m eating. usually this involves saving the best for last. like eating the crust first. except in chicken sandwiches, in which case you save the best edge for last. good salad toppings: last. pop tarts have a very complex routine. desserts generally have a best case scenario for what bites taste best at certain points of the procedure. schemes collapse with breakfast foods. without exception, breakfast food tastes better hot. it then just becomes a matter of speed. true.
psalm 55:16-17 points to a beautiful truth. my women’s small group took on the, ‘snooze button reformation challenge,’ in which we are gleaning the truth of praying at certain times of the day and watching for god to show up. being silent to hear. and having fresh eyes to see. i eagerly anticipate the results and know god will be faithful. true.
nothing lately has been more gut retching, goose bump giving, and heart melting then catching tender glances. like the mom looking at her children. but maybe even more so, when i get the chance to see an older husband or wife look at their significant other with eyes that say, ‘i have chosen to love you every day through this crazy adventure of marriage and will continue to do so until the day i die. after all this time, you still hold the key to my heart and make it beat faster.’ the rest of the world fades away. i saw an older couple dancing to [less than par] jazz music. ok, flat out, everyone was actually pitying this couple that happened to be on the dance floor on accident when the bad set had started. but they did not hear one bad melody. one piercing note. one horrible lyric sang in a key too high. at least that’s what their eyes conveyed. sappy? true.
i redeem myself with the actualization that i value marriage too highly. this is by far not my original actualization, but agree that marriage is a lot of people’s attempt at intense community. marriage automatically, and more easily, satisfies the way we were meant to do life together. and our deep desires for that. americans really do have to work hard at intentional community but i believe everyone is substantially fulfilled by it. in different levels but overall, its in our design. i long to do life with people. marriage will accomplish that, but i’ve beginning to see that there’s more creative ways to achieve it. true.
i don’t want to have someone look at me in similar fashion one day. false.
nas·cent adj: 1. in the process of emerging, being born, or starting to develop.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
we've no less days to sing god's praise then when we first begun
i probably can’t convey this eloquently, but there is a beautiful truth i found in exodus.
god instructs moses to bring the children of israel out of egypt. moses and god squabble back and forth, moses contends he is unworthy etc., and then god throws out the, “i am” answer. you’d think that would end the conversation, how can you argue with that? but moses persists.
when moses and aaron finally man up to go to pharaoh, they simply request to be let go for a feast (chapter 5). feasts last for three days. i don’t quite understand if they were merely asking for three days of freedom or if that implied perpetual freedom after.
out of apprehension of our own inadequacy or the fear that god wont show up for some reason-- i wonder what moses’ intentions were when god called him clearly to so much more. moses cowardly asks for only three days when god envisioned a lifetime of freedom for the children of israel.
i have to read the text closer. but what i got from it is that god has really big plans for us, and we settle far too easily. so are the setbacks (i.e. having frogs and gnats literally in every square inch of their personal space) a result of our unfaithfulness? or are they worked into the plan because god had plans to affect a lot more people (i.e. phararoh and his hardened heart or the magicians who recognized the finger of god) through the plagues and setbacks?
i’ve had a lot of encouragement in what i have set out to do to follow a vision i feel god has given me. i’ve been blessed with really great people in my life who offer gratification freely and reassure the fact that you can trust god. if he calls you to something, he will follow through. i was scared of rejection and inadequacy. even though its only the beginning, i hope that this idea of intentional community will grow and i will be able to take more steps towards the type of intense community i long for. i see that god will see me through. and i should continue to take scary steps. amen.
god instructs moses to bring the children of israel out of egypt. moses and god squabble back and forth, moses contends he is unworthy etc., and then god throws out the, “i am” answer. you’d think that would end the conversation, how can you argue with that? but moses persists.
when moses and aaron finally man up to go to pharaoh, they simply request to be let go for a feast (chapter 5). feasts last for three days. i don’t quite understand if they were merely asking for three days of freedom or if that implied perpetual freedom after.
out of apprehension of our own inadequacy or the fear that god wont show up for some reason-- i wonder what moses’ intentions were when god called him clearly to so much more. moses cowardly asks for only three days when god envisioned a lifetime of freedom for the children of israel.
i have to read the text closer. but what i got from it is that god has really big plans for us, and we settle far too easily. so are the setbacks (i.e. having frogs and gnats literally in every square inch of their personal space) a result of our unfaithfulness? or are they worked into the plan because god had plans to affect a lot more people (i.e. phararoh and his hardened heart or the magicians who recognized the finger of god) through the plagues and setbacks?
i’ve had a lot of encouragement in what i have set out to do to follow a vision i feel god has given me. i’ve been blessed with really great people in my life who offer gratification freely and reassure the fact that you can trust god. if he calls you to something, he will follow through. i was scared of rejection and inadequacy. even though its only the beginning, i hope that this idea of intentional community will grow and i will be able to take more steps towards the type of intense community i long for. i see that god will see me through. and i should continue to take scary steps. amen.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
hot mama jama
mama jama: 1. a woman who is built and stacked, has curves in all the right places, has perfect body measurements in every dimension, a perfect figure, extremely beautiful, sassy, classy, foxy, and heavenly. basically, a perfect woman. 2. a phrase from a carl carlton song. no one under the age of 35 should use it.
i love to cook. everything about it. i love chopping, measuring, smelling, tasting. i was so limited to my mom’s limited knowledge and my dad’s and brother’s limited palate but i’m nannying for a mom that actually cooks real meals for all her meals, for five people. helps to explain why she needs a nanny. and a maid i might add.
i’m gonna freaking love being a mom. i cannot wait to look at my kids the way this mom looks at them. its so beautiful to see how much she cares about them. its contagious.
i've been awakened to the fact that my heart also melts for boys and guitars. in conjunction with a good voice… take. me. now. but tonight i learned that i too can learn about 90% of worship songs with the four cords i know. watch out.
i am under 35. i support marketing ploys to capitalize on stevie wonder similarities. and urban dictionary.
i’m gonna freaking love being a mom. i cannot wait to look at my kids the way this mom looks at them. its so beautiful to see how much she cares about them. its contagious.
i've been awakened to the fact that my heart also melts for boys and guitars. in conjunction with a good voice… take. me. now. but tonight i learned that i too can learn about 90% of worship songs with the four cords i know. watch out.
i am under 35. i support marketing ploys to capitalize on stevie wonder similarities. and urban dictionary.
grow old with me.
“o, my Lord, i am not eloquent” exodus 4
i just read acts 2 and it has the award for consistency in its goosebump giving abilities. currenently its my favorite passage. along with everything to do with moses.
i realize again how i am unworthy to be loved. it is a miracle that i have friends. really. loving god really only requires clarity. he’s so worthy. loving each other is miraculous. friendship really is a miracle.
everything in creation is interconnected. its not incidental. this whole world was built for that intertwining; god cant even express his self in one being. and the way we relate to each other and are intertwined in each others' lives is all his doing. ugh. i can't wrap my mind around it, but am left only to worship a god that is capable of such a feat.
the exodus verse speaks to me two fold. for obvious reasons, but also because god knew this about moses and it was ok. perfection is never asked of us. shortcomings are built into the design. he heard moses' cry and he intertwined his life with aaron, so that aaron could speak on behalf of moses.
he is so worthy.
everything boils down to these relationships we have in our lives. with all different types of people. people that matter so much to him, people that he spent time kitting together. and then knit into other people's story. after all was said and done, god took the time to evaluate what he made, and we are very good. i’m so unworthy to have that approval. but like backup vocalists in a rap song, words can’t quite capture it. ugh.
my heart beats so fast for community. i can’t talk and hear enough about it.
i step back and evaluate. life is good.
i feel you moses, but i try anyway.
i just read acts 2 and it has the award for consistency in its goosebump giving abilities. currenently its my favorite passage. along with everything to do with moses.
i realize again how i am unworthy to be loved. it is a miracle that i have friends. really. loving god really only requires clarity. he’s so worthy. loving each other is miraculous. friendship really is a miracle.
everything in creation is interconnected. its not incidental. this whole world was built for that intertwining; god cant even express his self in one being. and the way we relate to each other and are intertwined in each others' lives is all his doing. ugh. i can't wrap my mind around it, but am left only to worship a god that is capable of such a feat.
the exodus verse speaks to me two fold. for obvious reasons, but also because god knew this about moses and it was ok. perfection is never asked of us. shortcomings are built into the design. he heard moses' cry and he intertwined his life with aaron, so that aaron could speak on behalf of moses.
he is so worthy.
everything boils down to these relationships we have in our lives. with all different types of people. people that matter so much to him, people that he spent time kitting together. and then knit into other people's story. after all was said and done, god took the time to evaluate what he made, and we are very good. i’m so unworthy to have that approval. but like backup vocalists in a rap song, words can’t quite capture it. ugh.
my heart beats so fast for community. i can’t talk and hear enough about it.
i step back and evaluate. life is good.
i feel you moses, but i try anyway.
allow me to introduce myself.
this is who i am at 1:47 am on thursday, july 10th when i don’t feel like sleeping.
posted now, because i don’t have internet.
i believe in dreams. i believe in letting them be known. not only to others, but to yourself. i want to learn how to play the piano. i want to learn how to take excellent pictures. i want to see 1000 places before i die. i’m serious about changing the world. i want to transcribe the whole bible. i struggle with fully grasping what i mean to god. i don’t like justify alignment. i want to live in a community house. even when i’m married. i cry at weddings. i’ve successfully worn heels once in my life. i’ve also only tried once. i want my wedding to be a huge party. with a photo booth as my sole wedding gift, so i can have it at the wedding and then have it stationed at my front door. with cork board filling the hallway. i want to shop at thrift stores to furnish the rest of my house. i want to play monopoly to its completion. i love maps. i easily get distracted. one time i told a boy i was allergic to chap stick so he wouldn’t kiss me. i don’t understand hyphens at the end of a line. i want to be in africa this time next year. to take a sabbatical from my life right now and catch up on a lot of reading. to get asked to dance. i still have hopes for a garden in my backyard. at least some herbs in my kitchen window pots. i want vines covering my house and garden gate. i’m literal and concrete when communicating. abrupt and harsh. i take advantage of people. of god. i’ve gotten in trouble with the cops because of water balloons three many more times than a average person should. i miss younglife camps. i want to mean what my mentor means to me to someone else someday. i want to wakeboard like a pro. i want to own everything in williams & sonoma. i like “&s.” i like lists. punctuation. apologetics. habakkuk 1:5. i love meeting new people. love being at summit. but i’m learning that summit isn’t the only one who’s gotten it right. and that’s healthy for me, being in a hunter bubble my whole christian life. i want to ride a giraffe. i believe love is everything it’s cracked up to be. and i’ll see the love i give returned to me. wrinkle release saves my life. kim mcmanus is a new hero. i missed my long hair today. swings make me dizzy. my favorite park is seaworld. i can’t remember the last time i’ve been. i like working out details. i live in a world of possibilities. it takes longer for me to clean my room than to mess it up again. i’m trying to grow up. and down. simultaneously.
i believe impossibilities are god's opportunities. i believe in taking steps in order that the cliche things i may say are genuinely not cliche, but lived out.
i’m was up far too late.
posted now, because i don’t have internet.
i believe in dreams. i believe in letting them be known. not only to others, but to yourself. i want to learn how to play the piano. i want to learn how to take excellent pictures. i want to see 1000 places before i die. i’m serious about changing the world. i want to transcribe the whole bible. i struggle with fully grasping what i mean to god. i don’t like justify alignment. i want to live in a community house. even when i’m married. i cry at weddings. i’ve successfully worn heels once in my life. i’ve also only tried once. i want my wedding to be a huge party. with a photo booth as my sole wedding gift, so i can have it at the wedding and then have it stationed at my front door. with cork board filling the hallway. i want to shop at thrift stores to furnish the rest of my house. i want to play monopoly to its completion. i love maps. i easily get distracted. one time i told a boy i was allergic to chap stick so he wouldn’t kiss me. i don’t understand hyphens at the end of a line. i want to be in africa this time next year. to take a sabbatical from my life right now and catch up on a lot of reading. to get asked to dance. i still have hopes for a garden in my backyard. at least some herbs in my kitchen window pots. i want vines covering my house and garden gate. i’m literal and concrete when communicating. abrupt and harsh. i take advantage of people. of god. i’ve gotten in trouble with the cops because of water balloons three many more times than a average person should. i miss younglife camps. i want to mean what my mentor means to me to someone else someday. i want to wakeboard like a pro. i want to own everything in williams & sonoma. i like “&s.” i like lists. punctuation. apologetics. habakkuk 1:5. i love meeting new people. love being at summit. but i’m learning that summit isn’t the only one who’s gotten it right. and that’s healthy for me, being in a hunter bubble my whole christian life. i want to ride a giraffe. i believe love is everything it’s cracked up to be. and i’ll see the love i give returned to me. wrinkle release saves my life. kim mcmanus is a new hero. i missed my long hair today. swings make me dizzy. my favorite park is seaworld. i can’t remember the last time i’ve been. i like working out details. i live in a world of possibilities. it takes longer for me to clean my room than to mess it up again. i’m trying to grow up. and down. simultaneously.
i believe impossibilities are god's opportunities. i believe in taking steps in order that the cliche things i may say are genuinely not cliche, but lived out.
i’m was up far too late.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
an answer to jesus' prayer
dear blogspot,
will you be my accountability partner?
love,
shannon
yes?
great.
in a staff meeting we were sharing what we have been learning lately and one person shared that one thing from sunday's sermon has been sticking with him all week. why do i feel so convicted about everything lately? well. this time it was because i had so easily forgotten this thing that he quoted, even though it really did resonate with me sunday, it had easily fleeted as soon as i passed through the sanctuary doors. tragic. so my question is how do i make things stick around longer in between my ears when it has the tendency to enter and exit so quickly. i think that i… generalized to people in general, need to meditate a little more on what we hear, in particular sunday sermons. but expanded to what we read too. writing out the bible has helped me so much with this. to slow down. reading the psalms too. i have been rereading some of the same ones constantly. whenever i get a free minute. my soul needs it right now. but to my surprise (which is shameful), i am able to glean something new from the same verses every time. it doesn’t loose its refreshing abilities. god is so freaking beautifully talented. so, as a challenge to myself i shall talk more about sunday sermons during the week, look back on the notes i write, wrestle with it, take the things said and a.p.p.l.y. them, to create and take applicable steps in new and creative ways… to somehow make it stay in between a little longer so that my heart and therefore my actions can have a little extra time to grab hold.
i appreciate it blogspot.
will you be my accountability partner?
love,
shannon
yes?
great.
in a staff meeting we were sharing what we have been learning lately and one person shared that one thing from sunday's sermon has been sticking with him all week. why do i feel so convicted about everything lately? well. this time it was because i had so easily forgotten this thing that he quoted, even though it really did resonate with me sunday, it had easily fleeted as soon as i passed through the sanctuary doors. tragic. so my question is how do i make things stick around longer in between my ears when it has the tendency to enter and exit so quickly. i think that i… generalized to people in general, need to meditate a little more on what we hear, in particular sunday sermons. but expanded to what we read too. writing out the bible has helped me so much with this. to slow down. reading the psalms too. i have been rereading some of the same ones constantly. whenever i get a free minute. my soul needs it right now. but to my surprise (which is shameful), i am able to glean something new from the same verses every time. it doesn’t loose its refreshing abilities. god is so freaking beautifully talented. so, as a challenge to myself i shall talk more about sunday sermons during the week, look back on the notes i write, wrestle with it, take the things said and a.p.p.l.y. them, to create and take applicable steps in new and creative ways… to somehow make it stay in between a little longer so that my heart and therefore my actions can have a little extra time to grab hold.
i appreciate it blogspot.
Monday, June 30, 2008
define: holy goosebumps
there are moments when i get glimpses of heaven. in recent history there’s been times in worship, watching acts of selflessness, a time when a kid at base camp recited a verse from memory, people repenting, listening to people when they're talking to God or about God. each is such a beautiful occurrence and often i get goosebumps during. i’m convinced there is a link and i’m grateful for a tangible expression of god’s presence. call me crazy.
i got bored of french music.
i got bored of french music.
eat my dust.
_with a voice i cry out to the lord; with my voice i plead for mercy to the lord. when my spirit faints within me, you know my way!
psalm 142
planes are majestic in nature. the white trails they generate mark territory and announce the transport of travelers to new lands or return to the familiar. but these tags that prodigious engines make stand boldly for only a few precious seconds. within a few moments, a gravity-bound eye glances back. searches. only to be assured of the fact that it has in fact, vanished. like it had never even interrupted the atmosphere. a bandit in broad daylight.
but in the short lifespan of those paths, they must find themselves silently thankful for their winsome forefathers. for without those vanished pathways, they would not exist. not be in that very particular and intentionally placed position within the huge vastness of blue. they are indebted to those evaporated paths.
i watched a lot of planes on a bus ride from amsterdam. i found the faster the planes went, the faster the trail disappeared. and vice versa- slower planes had longer trials. there's science hidden in there somewhere... in the last couple years i’ve had a disappointing amount of slowing down. even points of stalling out mid air. i have lots of big ideas, mostly vague, that could potentially send me through the vast unknown at compelling speeds. however, other people, my own waning, shrinking in fear, reality checks, uncertainty… whatever the reason, it keeps me grounded… or, at best, flying at dangerously low speeds. consequently, my trail dissipates at a slower rate. pangs of hurt linger. sadness still seems real. could-have-beens still held onto, still on the radar. a shining white cloud mocking against the brilliant blue. i can look in my rearview window and the weight of those clouds could crush me beneath their weight.
i have no regrets. i’m forced to be reverent for the trails that brought me where i am. i do not completely forget them but time has a way of erasing details. memory likes to remember the good things. either consciously or not, the bad doesn’t seem quite so bad in hindsight. at least the hindsight when you’re a couple thousand miles away. when you’ve finally arrived in london, the four-hour lay over in philadelphia doesn’t seem quite so bad anymore. nevertheless, good or bad, i carry those things with me, but there is a direct relationship between the speed at which i continue forward and my perspective of the past.
when flying, airplanes don’t have a reverse. we can’t revisit the good times. cant relive the hurt... amen. but we must, with all that we have, forge ahead. remembering our trail and what has brought us to this place, taking the lessons learned, looking ahead and enjoying the ride… hoping for some turbulence—just because i really do love it. no symbolism. i really just love it.
_my mouth will speak the praise of the lord, and let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever.
psalm 145
psalm 142
planes are majestic in nature. the white trails they generate mark territory and announce the transport of travelers to new lands or return to the familiar. but these tags that prodigious engines make stand boldly for only a few precious seconds. within a few moments, a gravity-bound eye glances back. searches. only to be assured of the fact that it has in fact, vanished. like it had never even interrupted the atmosphere. a bandit in broad daylight.
but in the short lifespan of those paths, they must find themselves silently thankful for their winsome forefathers. for without those vanished pathways, they would not exist. not be in that very particular and intentionally placed position within the huge vastness of blue. they are indebted to those evaporated paths.
i watched a lot of planes on a bus ride from amsterdam. i found the faster the planes went, the faster the trail disappeared. and vice versa- slower planes had longer trials. there's science hidden in there somewhere... in the last couple years i’ve had a disappointing amount of slowing down. even points of stalling out mid air. i have lots of big ideas, mostly vague, that could potentially send me through the vast unknown at compelling speeds. however, other people, my own waning, shrinking in fear, reality checks, uncertainty… whatever the reason, it keeps me grounded… or, at best, flying at dangerously low speeds. consequently, my trail dissipates at a slower rate. pangs of hurt linger. sadness still seems real. could-have-beens still held onto, still on the radar. a shining white cloud mocking against the brilliant blue. i can look in my rearview window and the weight of those clouds could crush me beneath their weight.
i have no regrets. i’m forced to be reverent for the trails that brought me where i am. i do not completely forget them but time has a way of erasing details. memory likes to remember the good things. either consciously or not, the bad doesn’t seem quite so bad in hindsight. at least the hindsight when you’re a couple thousand miles away. when you’ve finally arrived in london, the four-hour lay over in philadelphia doesn’t seem quite so bad anymore. nevertheless, good or bad, i carry those things with me, but there is a direct relationship between the speed at which i continue forward and my perspective of the past.
when flying, airplanes don’t have a reverse. we can’t revisit the good times. cant relive the hurt... amen. but we must, with all that we have, forge ahead. remembering our trail and what has brought us to this place, taking the lessons learned, looking ahead and enjoying the ride… hoping for some turbulence—just because i really do love it. no symbolism. i really just love it.
_my mouth will speak the praise of the lord, and let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever.
psalm 145
Friday, June 27, 2008
true life: i'm a blogger
they have made me jealous with what is no god; they have provoked me to anger with their idols. deuteronomy 32:17-21
my inclination towards phases was on my mind as i was talking to my mentor. i felt god convicting me as our conversation moved towards idols. we’ve been hanging around in genesis as i set out to write the whole bible, and realizing god’s hatred toward idols in the old testament puts fear into my heart. i just might be guilty of turning something i’m really excited about into an idol.
my phases have ranged from triathlon training to moving to boston to an intense hunger for learning the entire english language (that one still exists). there was a point where i also bought all the essential cds and books to teach myself Spanish. i buy books constantly with hopes i will read them one day. how-to books, fiction, nonfiction. seminary was a fleeting phase not completely quenched, pescatarianism, craft projects galore, tennis, cooking, owning a long dinner table, being a teacher, crackling everything i owned, learning to play piano. i was on a sunflower stint in high school, salsa dancing hype, mastering the art of making both fishing poles and kites. blogging.
at their peaks it is very easy, frighteningly easy, for my excitement for something new and fresh to overbear seeking God (notice: big "g") with fever.
psalm 31:5-7
into your hand i commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, o lord, faithful god.
i hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,
but i trust in the lord.
i will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.
my inclination towards phases was on my mind as i was talking to my mentor. i felt god convicting me as our conversation moved towards idols. we’ve been hanging around in genesis as i set out to write the whole bible, and realizing god’s hatred toward idols in the old testament puts fear into my heart. i just might be guilty of turning something i’m really excited about into an idol.
my phases have ranged from triathlon training to moving to boston to an intense hunger for learning the entire english language (that one still exists). there was a point where i also bought all the essential cds and books to teach myself Spanish. i buy books constantly with hopes i will read them one day. how-to books, fiction, nonfiction. seminary was a fleeting phase not completely quenched, pescatarianism, craft projects galore, tennis, cooking, owning a long dinner table, being a teacher, crackling everything i owned, learning to play piano. i was on a sunflower stint in high school, salsa dancing hype, mastering the art of making both fishing poles and kites. blogging.
at their peaks it is very easy, frighteningly easy, for my excitement for something new and fresh to overbear seeking God (notice: big "g") with fever.
psalm 31:5-7
into your hand i commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, o lord, faithful god.
i hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,
but i trust in the lord.
i will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
what up gangster.
my mind can't stay on one thought for too long, so it tends to operate in lists.
wisdom i have to bestow upon you tonight:
1. i learned today that you shouldn't name something that could potentially be permanent after something evanescent.
i am a girl of fleeting phases. i get really excited about something now and again and after interest wanes, time is squandered, people are irked by my incessant behavior and i've spent significant amount of money on 'necessary' materials, the phase goes into remission and i move on to something else. could last a day. a week. at most, a couple months. i had a new one debut today. french music. because of this, i ran the idea by a friend to entitle my blog 'i love french music.' the impulsiveness of which i live by told me this sounded like a really great idea. honestly, this phase will probably last a week, and then i would be stuck with a blog that put my integrity in jeopardy. i would be lying to the world about the current state of my french music affections. so don't do it. (i realize there are multiple reasons for not naming a blog 'i love french music.' please don't judge me and my banal uncreativeness.)
2. i also feel i know that white people shouldn't say gangsta. its gangster. cause we're wannabes. its an important seed of truth that i invite you into.
first post. check.
wisdom i have to bestow upon you tonight:
1. i learned today that you shouldn't name something that could potentially be permanent after something evanescent.
i am a girl of fleeting phases. i get really excited about something now and again and after interest wanes, time is squandered, people are irked by my incessant behavior and i've spent significant amount of money on 'necessary' materials, the phase goes into remission and i move on to something else. could last a day. a week. at most, a couple months. i had a new one debut today. french music. because of this, i ran the idea by a friend to entitle my blog 'i love french music.' the impulsiveness of which i live by told me this sounded like a really great idea. honestly, this phase will probably last a week, and then i would be stuck with a blog that put my integrity in jeopardy. i would be lying to the world about the current state of my french music affections. so don't do it. (i realize there are multiple reasons for not naming a blog 'i love french music.' please don't judge me and my banal uncreativeness.)
2. i also feel i know that white people shouldn't say gangsta. its gangster. cause we're wannabes. its an important seed of truth that i invite you into.
first post. check.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)