human beings were made not only to believe in god abstractly but to love him supremely, center their lives on him, and build their identities on him. the first commandment, to not have any other gods before him, defines sin as making good things into ultimate things. seeking something else more central to your significance, purpose, and happiness than your relationship with god.
no human relationship can bear this burden of godhood, if your partner is your ‘all’ then any shortcoming in him becomes a major threat to you. in the other person we hope to ride ourselves of our feeling of nothingness, to know our existence has not been vain. we want redemption. needless to say, humans cannot give this.
only if your identity is built on god and his love can you have a self that can venture anything, face anything.
paraphrased bits i learned from tim keller and ernest becker. these words gave me yet another ‘ah ha’ moment. intercedes to illuminate my dark places. i feel so free. this time i feel like these shimmers of elucidation are to foster my heart and mind for something else. as a preventative measure. god whispering, 'this is not the way, follow me.' i might easily confuse this with a way to make foregoing things better. to hold on. but its preterpluperfect. and i'm more than ok with that. finally.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
more than morpheme
this is far too much paint for one to have without actually painting. i have a series in mind that i want to do. and so i will. everyday. for at least an hour. willing to make some mistakes.
one interesting thought that someone pointed out to me about being equally yoked.. i had always seen that being applied to strictly not yoking yourself to an unchristian, if you are a christian. but not as the caliber of christians dating other christians. i can’t expect some amazing man of god to want to be with me if i’m not trying to be the type of woman deserving of that. my yoke does not reach such heights.
Monday, August 17, 2009
brim of utterance
i was riding my bike and almost crashed. it’s weird going from a fixed to a geared bike. i went to brake and push back on the pedals to find that i only coasted. luckily drivers were paying attention this morning.
i had the thought when i felt sweat start to drip due to the brutish florida sun, inattentive and injudicious that the morning hours are reserved for the coolness of day. i saw a woman walking with an umbrella to block the sun, and from the depths of my memory i thought of wearing one of those umbrella hats. my dad is a huge proponent of function over form, the horror of an adolescent girl who walks through those days with, ‘dad! you’re embarrassing me’ at the tip of her tongue. i remember we were at the atlanta olympics, which made me about ten, on the cusp of knowing what was cool and what was very very uncool. dad had already wrecked my image by making us ride our bikes around and being completely unscrupulous scalping for tickets… to events like fencing and boxing nonetheless. all this to say, we bought umbrella hats for the occasion that he thought were man’s best invention at the time. and i remember being horrifyingly humbled at a tennis match where i refused to wear the stupid hat for at least half the match until my face was sunburned and my clothes drenched in sweat, i longed for the shade that the umbrella offered. dad would be so proud if i wore one when riding my bike around lake mary i think.
god is relentless, his love remorseless, he wants our salvation with the determination due its importance. in the past weeks i've asked for a prayerful heart and, the lord striped away the props that i leaned on; for a humble heart, and he gave me humiliations; an increase of faith, he striped me of the safety that i’d identified with faith. i prayed not really believing, or thinking i knew how he would answer me. i shouldn't be shocked at the way he answered me- i gave him a little room to move, and he did. it's no wonder he made that day on the tennis court so blistering hot.
i’ve read that the first conversion is generally characterized by joy and enthusiasm and filled with felt alleviation and a profound sense of god’s presence, the second is marked by dryness, barrenness, desolation, and a profound sense of god’s absence. shamefully i think this might make my third or fourth ‘conversion’ but its an indispensable stage of spiritual growth. a grim realization and acceptance of the fact that i am totally dependent upon god’s love and mercy. he emptied me so that i could become humble and detached, knowing that he hasn’t deserted me but removed obstacles keeping me from a deeper union. without such there could be no movement in love. there is no cheap grace. these only dispose us to prayer, humility, and faith, not just an excuse to wallow in the suffering, self-pity, rebellion, pride or apathy that catenates.
i had the thought when i felt sweat start to drip due to the brutish florida sun, inattentive and injudicious that the morning hours are reserved for the coolness of day. i saw a woman walking with an umbrella to block the sun, and from the depths of my memory i thought of wearing one of those umbrella hats. my dad is a huge proponent of function over form, the horror of an adolescent girl who walks through those days with, ‘dad! you’re embarrassing me’ at the tip of her tongue. i remember we were at the atlanta olympics, which made me about ten, on the cusp of knowing what was cool and what was very very uncool. dad had already wrecked my image by making us ride our bikes around and being completely unscrupulous scalping for tickets… to events like fencing and boxing nonetheless. all this to say, we bought umbrella hats for the occasion that he thought were man’s best invention at the time. and i remember being horrifyingly humbled at a tennis match where i refused to wear the stupid hat for at least half the match until my face was sunburned and my clothes drenched in sweat, i longed for the shade that the umbrella offered. dad would be so proud if i wore one when riding my bike around lake mary i think.
god is relentless, his love remorseless, he wants our salvation with the determination due its importance. in the past weeks i've asked for a prayerful heart and, the lord striped away the props that i leaned on; for a humble heart, and he gave me humiliations; an increase of faith, he striped me of the safety that i’d identified with faith. i prayed not really believing, or thinking i knew how he would answer me. i shouldn't be shocked at the way he answered me- i gave him a little room to move, and he did. it's no wonder he made that day on the tennis court so blistering hot.
i’ve read that the first conversion is generally characterized by joy and enthusiasm and filled with felt alleviation and a profound sense of god’s presence, the second is marked by dryness, barrenness, desolation, and a profound sense of god’s absence. shamefully i think this might make my third or fourth ‘conversion’ but its an indispensable stage of spiritual growth. a grim realization and acceptance of the fact that i am totally dependent upon god’s love and mercy. he emptied me so that i could become humble and detached, knowing that he hasn’t deserted me but removed obstacles keeping me from a deeper union. without such there could be no movement in love. there is no cheap grace. these only dispose us to prayer, humility, and faith, not just an excuse to wallow in the suffering, self-pity, rebellion, pride or apathy that catenates.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
day two
someone invited me to go overseas long-term with a small group of people that i really really admire. my immediate response is to jump on board. is it because i'm running away. is because it's easy. because i'm impatient. i semi-impulsively moved away before, thinking it would be best for me without giving it a second thought. and now i'm back. i don't want to do that again. i don't even know how to sort out my feelings and what god would want.
christine, sally and i were walking in the mall and saw this hurricane experience thing and were to far too intrigued to pass it up. but not quite stupid enough to pay two dollars for it. we ended up sitting in near-by la.z.boys and waited for someone else who was slightly more intrigued to risk the two dollars. or a child who could convince a parent to rob a bank with the right facial expression, tears, or bat of an eye. success. it turned out to just blow wind at the kid for 10 seconds. his assessment, 'my eyes hurt.'
christine, sally and i were walking in the mall and saw this hurricane experience thing and were to far too intrigued to pass it up. but not quite stupid enough to pay two dollars for it. we ended up sitting in near-by la.z.boys and waited for someone else who was slightly more intrigued to risk the two dollars. or a child who could convince a parent to rob a bank with the right facial expression, tears, or bat of an eye. success. it turned out to just blow wind at the kid for 10 seconds. his assessment, 'my eyes hurt.'
Saturday, August 15, 2009
dulcinea
'the signature of jesus' is helping me sort through some things that have happened in the past couple months. speaking straight to my heart. i'm not sure what will happen in the future, and if i'll be given a chance to redeem myself. or if these lessons are to be learned for someone else. i think too much trust has been lost and a desire to move on might be weighing too heavily. regardless, these need to be apart of who i am, always, i cannot be 'successful' otherwise. four things that i can pinpoint that i was lacking... not the only things, but what i identify with so far in the book. these are basically taken straight from it but i couldn't otherwise express with clarity my deficiencies like he does.
one.
the early church was built on small groups of people who came together to support one another in a whole new way of life. these communities should be small enough for intimacy, kindred enough for acceptance, and gentle enough for criticism. egos will collide, personalities conflict, power-brokers intrude, anger and resentment surface, risk is inevitable. there can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability, there can be no peace and ultimately no life, without community.
two.
the question at the last judgment was ‘how did you respond to needy brothers and sisters?’ he expects humble apprenticeship and serving love. 'whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' -matthew 25:40. i was convicted of this a little while back in deuteronomy where serving is closely tied with the greatest commandment. you can't separate the two. i lacked that in atlanta and it was detrimental.
three.
"the gentleness of jesus with sinners flowed from his ability to read their hearts and to detect the sincerity and goodness there. behind men’s grumpiest poses and most puzzling defense mechanisms, behind their arrogance and airs, behind their silence, sneers, and curses, jesus saw little children who hadn’t been loved enough and had ceased growing because someone had ceased believing in them." i had forgotten that jesus does that to me and that i should do that to others.
manning uses the story of alonsa (don quixote) and aldonza, a tramp. in delusion alonso treats aldonza as an aristocrat. he calls her "dulcinea," my lady, my sweet little one. this awakens something in her she thought she could never be. she had been dead, frozen, immune to human emotion. but she began to believe that she was dulcinea. we have a powerful impact on others.
four.
"self hatred is an indecent luxury that no disciple can afford. it subtly reestablishes me as the center of my focus and concern. biblically this is idolatry. any spirituality that does not lead from a self-centered to an other-centered mode of existence is bankrupt."
dang manning. dang.
one.
the early church was built on small groups of people who came together to support one another in a whole new way of life. these communities should be small enough for intimacy, kindred enough for acceptance, and gentle enough for criticism. egos will collide, personalities conflict, power-brokers intrude, anger and resentment surface, risk is inevitable. there can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability, there can be no peace and ultimately no life, without community.
two.
the question at the last judgment was ‘how did you respond to needy brothers and sisters?’ he expects humble apprenticeship and serving love. 'whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' -matthew 25:40. i was convicted of this a little while back in deuteronomy where serving is closely tied with the greatest commandment. you can't separate the two. i lacked that in atlanta and it was detrimental.
three.
"the gentleness of jesus with sinners flowed from his ability to read their hearts and to detect the sincerity and goodness there. behind men’s grumpiest poses and most puzzling defense mechanisms, behind their arrogance and airs, behind their silence, sneers, and curses, jesus saw little children who hadn’t been loved enough and had ceased growing because someone had ceased believing in them." i had forgotten that jesus does that to me and that i should do that to others.
manning uses the story of alonsa (don quixote) and aldonza, a tramp. in delusion alonso treats aldonza as an aristocrat. he calls her "dulcinea," my lady, my sweet little one. this awakens something in her she thought she could never be. she had been dead, frozen, immune to human emotion. but she began to believe that she was dulcinea. we have a powerful impact on others.
four.
"self hatred is an indecent luxury that no disciple can afford. it subtly reestablishes me as the center of my focus and concern. biblically this is idolatry. any spirituality that does not lead from a self-centered to an other-centered mode of existence is bankrupt."
dang manning. dang.
Friday, August 14, 2009
one more post for today
i have a lot on my mind..
i have been overwhelmed with support and love in the two days that i've been heading back to florida. it really is a beautiful picture of the body of christ. they remind that i'm going to be alright and that i am loved. they also seem to all be on my side. i feel right. i feel justified in my anger. i feel stubborn.
i have promised and intend on seeking god passionately so as to hear his voice on this whole matter. i want to be guided by him. i want to decide and respond with a clear conscience that he is directing me. i've gotten a little boost and reassurance from people that some things i think are true and they agree with me and thats its biblical. i write this to keep myself accountable and to remember that my friends who i deeply love and who are being really great friends do not know whats ultimately best for me. i need gods directing and rebuking and truth above all.
i have been overwhelmed with support and love in the two days that i've been heading back to florida. it really is a beautiful picture of the body of christ. they remind that i'm going to be alright and that i am loved. they also seem to all be on my side. i feel right. i feel justified in my anger. i feel stubborn.
i have promised and intend on seeking god passionately so as to hear his voice on this whole matter. i want to be guided by him. i want to decide and respond with a clear conscience that he is directing me. i've gotten a little boost and reassurance from people that some things i think are true and they agree with me and thats its biblical. i write this to keep myself accountable and to remember that my friends who i deeply love and who are being really great friends do not know whats ultimately best for me. i need gods directing and rebuking and truth above all.
perhaps this is the essence of faith: to be convinced of the reliability of god
throughout his life jesus' words were never those of blaming and shaming, accusing and condemning, threatening, bribing, and labeling. nor should mine. only when we claim the love of christ with heartfelt conviction, this love that transcends all judgments, can we overcome all fear of judgment. as long as we continue to live as if we are what we do, as if we are what we have, and as if we are what other people think about us, we will remain filled with judgments, opinions, evaluations, and condemnations. we will remain addicted to the need to put people in their place.
disservice
i picked back up a book by brennan manning. i record in hopes that i remember a little later in life. in ten days or so.
"our deepest need is for the inexhaustible power of the love of christ. the miracle of christianity is that the need is already met.
"what jesus longs to see in radical disciples is what he saw in little children: a spirit of sheer receptivity, utter dependence, and radical reliance on the power and mercy and grace of God mediated through the spirit of christ. 'apart from me you can do nothing'"
nothing. we cannot even desire god. it requires surrendering daily... daily. to. die. daily. to self-centeredness in all its forms, including self-promotion and self-condemnation. it can't be taken lightly. there is nothing about the life of christ which was mediocre. to follow him is to live and think radically. i realize that i have taken it very lightly in the past few months. not in the past couple days, but months. and i know it would be an extreme disservice if i allowed myself to be with someone who didn't take it seriously. we are not given an 'out' because we're sinners. we are not called to less. we are nothing without him. but that just means i have to rely on him more. not make excuses. how can i expect any relationship, any pursuit, anything, to be fruitful without him.
i love the urgency and seriousness and honesty that you can hear in manning's words. i love his insistence that says it is not a man’s words that measure his faith, but his actions. this stirs my heart. i feel more free. more able. less bound.
"our deepest need is for the inexhaustible power of the love of christ. the miracle of christianity is that the need is already met.
"what jesus longs to see in radical disciples is what he saw in little children: a spirit of sheer receptivity, utter dependence, and radical reliance on the power and mercy and grace of God mediated through the spirit of christ. 'apart from me you can do nothing'"
nothing. we cannot even desire god. it requires surrendering daily... daily. to. die. daily. to self-centeredness in all its forms, including self-promotion and self-condemnation. it can't be taken lightly. there is nothing about the life of christ which was mediocre. to follow him is to live and think radically. i realize that i have taken it very lightly in the past few months. not in the past couple days, but months. and i know it would be an extreme disservice if i allowed myself to be with someone who didn't take it seriously. we are not given an 'out' because we're sinners. we are not called to less. we are nothing without him. but that just means i have to rely on him more. not make excuses. how can i expect any relationship, any pursuit, anything, to be fruitful without him.
i love the urgency and seriousness and honesty that you can hear in manning's words. i love his insistence that says it is not a man’s words that measure his faith, but his actions. this stirs my heart. i feel more free. more able. less bound.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
He is your praise
By nature we do not love God. This is original sin, the source whence our wickedness proceeds; and the carnal mind is enmity against God, for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be; so then they that are in the flesh cannot please God, Romans 8:5-9. Let us, without delay or reserve, come and cleave to our reconciled God in Jesus Christ, that we may love, serve, and obey him acceptably, and be daily changed into his image, from glory to glory, by the Spirit of the Lord. Consider the greatness and glory of God; and his goodness and grace; these persuade us to our duty. Blessed Spirit! Oh for thy purifying, persevering, and renewing influences, that being called out of the state of strangers, such as our fathers were, we may be found among the number of the children of God, and that our lot may be among the saints.
commentary of deut 10:12-22. read it. love it.
commentary of deut 10:12-22. read it. love it.
reiterate
you provoked the lord to wrath.. you did not believe.. you did not obey his voice.. you are a stubborn people.. the lord wanted to destroy you.. he was angry with you.. you have been rebellious against the lord from the day that I knew you.
that's just taken from one chapter in deuteronomy. it's throughout the whole story of israel's exodus. why then are these his choosen people?
it gives me comfort that we are failures. god knows that about us, his choosen people are people that disappointed him. why did he make it that way.
i don't know if this is related to israel's sin but surely part of it. i get most upset at people when i have preconcieved notions of how the person should act, what they should do, or what they should say. i get upset in the moment that they're not being my puppet, and they have no clue what just happened.
hypothetically. when i'm driving over to someones house to pick something up and i'm thinking innocently, oh i could go in and grab something else and give them some music that they've been wanting while i'm there. but then, heaven forbid, they come out and give me the thing i came for and i get upset. like they somehow knew the plan i'd come up with in the five minutes after getting off the phone, and maliciously went against it. i never communicate that i have an idea, can i come in real quick, just become defeated and silent, crushed. what? that's absolutely ridiculous. it happens so fast, i don't realize till after.
i pray for communication skills.
the people of israel can certainly relate in their false or selfish expectations from god. they thought the had their journey all figured out. and surely i do that to god and, altough not examined by moses, surely they dealt with selfish expectations of others in everyday life. it's got to be a condition of the human heart.
we think we're right. all the time. we know the best way for things to play out. surely.
i pray for humility.
that's just taken from one chapter in deuteronomy. it's throughout the whole story of israel's exodus. why then are these his choosen people?
it gives me comfort that we are failures. god knows that about us, his choosen people are people that disappointed him. why did he make it that way.
i don't know if this is related to israel's sin but surely part of it. i get most upset at people when i have preconcieved notions of how the person should act, what they should do, or what they should say. i get upset in the moment that they're not being my puppet, and they have no clue what just happened.
hypothetically. when i'm driving over to someones house to pick something up and i'm thinking innocently, oh i could go in and grab something else and give them some music that they've been wanting while i'm there. but then, heaven forbid, they come out and give me the thing i came for and i get upset. like they somehow knew the plan i'd come up with in the five minutes after getting off the phone, and maliciously went against it. i never communicate that i have an idea, can i come in real quick, just become defeated and silent, crushed. what? that's absolutely ridiculous. it happens so fast, i don't realize till after.
i pray for communication skills.
the people of israel can certainly relate in their false or selfish expectations from god. they thought the had their journey all figured out. and surely i do that to god and, altough not examined by moses, surely they dealt with selfish expectations of others in everyday life. it's got to be a condition of the human heart.
we think we're right. all the time. we know the best way for things to play out. surely.
i pray for humility.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
responsibility
it's really hard to play hostess. my brother and his girlfriend are in town and i feel pressure to make sure every minute of their day is exciting and jam-packed. but i don't know anything about atlanta. its exhausting. i'm definitely enjoying seeing them and spending time with them. but i just wish i didn't feel the pressure. like when you are the one throwing the party and you can't relax and enjoy it cause you feel responsible to make sure its a good party. the end.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
quirks
i hate taking things out of the shower. i have so many empty or nearly empty bottles that i'm too lazy to take out. i always forget until i get back in the shower and then by the end, i forget. something that i don't forget: tracking numbers. as soon as i get the confirmation email, i'm checking to see where the package's home was and when the expected arrival date is. i love the technology of arrival and departure scans that enables you know the exact the path of your package. i get really excited for the 'out for delivery' notice, ok? geez. don't judge me.
Friday, August 7, 2009
some times
sometimes when i see people with their bible open or when i hear people talking about god i get the urge to encourage them. i want to yell, 'i'm on your side!' 'i believe!' it's completely impulsive. and completely ridiculous. maybe because it sometimes feels like your up against so much resentment that it just would feel nice knowing that your not alone. i wonder how people would respond.
today i had a conversation that i didn't really expect anything from. i was just wasting time before my shift started, not looking for conversation, actually not really wanting to talk at all. but one of our regulars wound up teaching me things about a passage in deuteronomy that were really interesting and well-informed. he mentioned something that stuck with me. when i asked him where he learned all of it he said that he grew up a christian but his mom was kinda the spirital leader, and since he's realized the adverse affects he has a personal mandate to be the spiritual leader. and to take that seriously. why is it my nature to expect the worst out of people. this young, attractive, college kid, baseball player, 40% tipper who comes in everyday is teaching me beautiful things and is taking something seriously that god laid on his heart. i guess the world is jading and i come to expect the worst. expect that there aren't many people loving christ and so i get overly excited when i see them publicly worshiping and lift them up to the status of preacher. also an ugly character of my heart to think that people don't have anything to offer me. i need to learn more from other people's experiences. they are valuable.
i noticed today that when i looked at the clock and it said 8:30, i finally just took it for 8:30. i wasn't looking at where the sun was, figuring out what time it would be before the switch, calculating what time it would get dark now, ya know regular compulsive type stuff. so now i will have to wait till 'fall back' daylight savings before i can start looking at the time and thinking about the way things used to be at that same 'time.' i am free. free indeed.
today i had a conversation that i didn't really expect anything from. i was just wasting time before my shift started, not looking for conversation, actually not really wanting to talk at all. but one of our regulars wound up teaching me things about a passage in deuteronomy that were really interesting and well-informed. he mentioned something that stuck with me. when i asked him where he learned all of it he said that he grew up a christian but his mom was kinda the spirital leader, and since he's realized the adverse affects he has a personal mandate to be the spiritual leader. and to take that seriously. why is it my nature to expect the worst out of people. this young, attractive, college kid, baseball player, 40% tipper who comes in everyday is teaching me beautiful things and is taking something seriously that god laid on his heart. i guess the world is jading and i come to expect the worst. expect that there aren't many people loving christ and so i get overly excited when i see them publicly worshiping and lift them up to the status of preacher. also an ugly character of my heart to think that people don't have anything to offer me. i need to learn more from other people's experiences. they are valuable.
i noticed today that when i looked at the clock and it said 8:30, i finally just took it for 8:30. i wasn't looking at where the sun was, figuring out what time it would be before the switch, calculating what time it would get dark now, ya know regular compulsive type stuff. so now i will have to wait till 'fall back' daylight savings before i can start looking at the time and thinking about the way things used to be at that same 'time.' i am free. free indeed.
literally
i'm leaving atlanta in less than a week. i can't help but to feel like a failure. it was too good to be true. too good to live up to.
i've finally made it to the last book of the torah writing the bible. deuteronomy is beautiful. its like the 'the best of, moses edition.' a summary of the best parts of the previous 4 books. i've learned so much in six chapters. bullet points for simplification.
_1:21 "Go up, take possession, as the Lord, the God of your fathers has told you. Do not fear or be dismayed." I need to hear that in this period of change in my life.
_3:22 "you shall not fear them, for it is the Lord your God who fights for you." amen. amen.
_5:17 "you shall not murder" in the margins i read the the hebrew word for murder also covers causing human death through carelessness or negligence. that's quite different. i hate watching the news, i choose to be ignorant. am i a murderer?
_6:5 the greatest command.. you shall love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all you soul and with all your might. and those words shall be on my heart. they should be apart of who i am reaching and flowing into every other part of my body. i've been thinking a lot about what that's supposed to look like.
i don't understand how marriages function. once you get past the cat and mouse game and several months later after you got em, when the fireworks and glitter fade, you realize you're stuck with a sinner. all that excitement of finding someone new, someone attractive, someone you can have fun with.. you realize that the person has flaws. how in this world can we learn to be selfless enough to love another sinner completely. sin is ugly. all of it. there's no way around it. i can't possibly believe that one person's sin is uglier than another's and you get all of it, all. of. it. when you marry someone. incomprehensible.
as i'm writing this a song came on with a line, 'i feel like everything's about to change. it's real. things will never be the same.' i felt butterflies and excitement and optimism when i heard this song a couple months ago. and now as i listen to it now, i'm terrified. how am i in this place again. gosh, i'm such a downer but i'm working under the assumption that no one is reading this. but something's about to change and i have no idea what. a few months ago i was promised such beautiful things. and now its changing. how did i let you do this to me again.
a friend told me that i'm in god's hands, within in his protection, i literally can't fail. god doesn't fail.
literally is the coolest word to say in a british accent. try it. aloud.
i've finally made it to the last book of the torah writing the bible. deuteronomy is beautiful. its like the 'the best of, moses edition.' a summary of the best parts of the previous 4 books. i've learned so much in six chapters. bullet points for simplification.
_1:21 "Go up, take possession, as the Lord, the God of your fathers has told you. Do not fear or be dismayed." I need to hear that in this period of change in my life.
_3:22 "you shall not fear them, for it is the Lord your God who fights for you." amen. amen.
_5:17 "you shall not murder" in the margins i read the the hebrew word for murder also covers causing human death through carelessness or negligence. that's quite different. i hate watching the news, i choose to be ignorant. am i a murderer?
_6:5 the greatest command.. you shall love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all you soul and with all your might. and those words shall be on my heart. they should be apart of who i am reaching and flowing into every other part of my body. i've been thinking a lot about what that's supposed to look like.
i don't understand how marriages function. once you get past the cat and mouse game and several months later after you got em, when the fireworks and glitter fade, you realize you're stuck with a sinner. all that excitement of finding someone new, someone attractive, someone you can have fun with.. you realize that the person has flaws. how in this world can we learn to be selfless enough to love another sinner completely. sin is ugly. all of it. there's no way around it. i can't possibly believe that one person's sin is uglier than another's and you get all of it, all. of. it. when you marry someone. incomprehensible.
as i'm writing this a song came on with a line, 'i feel like everything's about to change. it's real. things will never be the same.' i felt butterflies and excitement and optimism when i heard this song a couple months ago. and now as i listen to it now, i'm terrified. how am i in this place again. gosh, i'm such a downer but i'm working under the assumption that no one is reading this. but something's about to change and i have no idea what. a few months ago i was promised such beautiful things. and now its changing. how did i let you do this to me again.
a friend told me that i'm in god's hands, within in his protection, i literally can't fail. god doesn't fail.
literally is the coolest word to say in a british accent. try it. aloud.
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