woe is me.

i think i might move back to florida. i think that i'm excited about it. you know whats hard... i'm so torn at being present here and living in the past. i want so bad to plant my feet and love a city, but also don't want to lose past relationships. i'm so bad at keeping in touch, mostly default to, 'out of sight, out of mind.' but i geniunely care about the people in orlando and other folks from my past living in different cities. its like if i fully choose to love this city, it would leave no room for past people. and even so, its hard when you're not present to really maintain that long-distance and not be able to love them in the everyday. i have no excuse because for whatever reason i havent felt like i ever wanted to invest in atlanta. i miss my community in orlando. i miss letting myself be loved and loving people.

listen. repeat.

gosh. i hate being a woman. i hate being weak. i hate being fed lies. i hate that i believe them. as a woman i believe that i’m not worthy. it affects everything. especially in areas that i’m already weak. like in communication. i can’t ask for anything and am scared to say what i want to people i care about most. there are so many other things vying for people’s attention and its hard for me to believe that i am worth people’s attention. i am worth people’s time. those other things, those forms of technology or other friends or whatever… 'they’re all better than me.' i am deeply jealous. but they're lies. the truth is that i am loved by the creator of the universe. he is jealous. he wants my heart.

i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe.