a beautiful soul and artist unexpectedly stepped into my life. imparting words which were wrapped in comfort knowing that i was not alone. the very nature of an artist is to teem with imagination and ideas. an unhealthy idealism leads me down unhealthy unceasing paths of what could be. what could be if i could facilitate community with consistency. what beauty could come out of that, in so many different avenues and branches. roadways and foliage bursting with possibility. overlapping and intricately weaved in and out of each other, never choking, merely producing life and more life. life abundant. what if we could love each other. what if i could love. what if we recaptured that which was lost. what if we supported our words with action. what if we were completely selfless. what if we could love.
point is. the source of my frustration lately has been a longing for kingdom come. i’m sick of messing up. but its something that i am naturally inclined to do. which by the way, is frustrating in and of itself, why to we have to be inclined to fail. that’s a shitty plan. i have a big imagination and an idealist, which means even more let downs. maybe naivety has saved me till now. but i’m becoming more and more disappointed as i grow up. i can be in awe of and try to be like a child, but it becomes childish. i’m not a child. we grow up. we have to find a new way to connect. on more realistic terms i suppose.
even adam and eve had an inclination to fail. they lost awe of god. desired to make themselves like god. i recognize that’s what i’m doing. i know my perspective is small and god must be smirking at me thinking me silly and puerile. fine. but it’s a shitty plan.
i feel like i'm in a movie scene. or maybe an actual scene from my own life. where i'm throwing a tantrum. my parents put me in my room. i'm banging against the door, crying until my eyes start hurting. through my cries and screams, i know in my head exactly what i need to do to get out of my room. my parents have told me, past trips to my room and back out reinforce it. how to be free and play again, to escape the isolation. misery feels better though in that moment, i am in complete control of my misery. and its miserable. but i'm so stubborn.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
pregnant with possibilities
i've started to break in a series. the beginning materialized in my orlando recoil, overwhelmed by both my options and my limitations. adept and incapable to do anything i wanted. where do i even begin to start over?
it's been one of the few times in my life where i ran to my creativity to express myself. i've never made it to the end of my list of avenues. frankly, i'm scared of letting myself be fully known, letting others feel the weight of who i am, let alone expressing myself in a tangible way. leaving actual evidence. of me. for everyone to judge and analyze.
i suppose i was desperate.
white. blank slate. me.
my train of thought went to plans, layouts, blueprints, notes- scratchings, sketches, brainstorms that take place at a beginning of an idea. all beautiful things in the world started from a blank slate. all inventions, all architecture of antiquity and modern, and on a larger scale- all nature and creation. everything. granted, people and art absolutely do not exist in a vacuum and surely are inspired by something. so it's not perfectly white. (see also: jasper johns' off-white american flag, also a big inspiration.) plus, everything is slightly tainted, unconsciously biased by culture or upbringing and sin. so images appear, transcend, out of this off-white, that's been worked- underlining sketches and scratchings, underlying colors and images. something boldly steps forward. against the white. fighting against nothingness.
i wanted to test out the technique so i started by just doing a plain chandelier. something that i've always found absolutely beautiful, a symbol of elegance. completely ornamental. embellishment. if you're gonna effing light up a place, do it well. do it elegantly. someone set out from nothing, some light bulbs and crystals. all those individually beautiful pieces. together. it was a new idea at some point. and someone had to work, possibly from humble beginnings, to buy it.
i've finished two other small ones, re-working a few big ones, and really excited about one i'm in the middle of. i have an extremely hard time finishing things. but am excited to continue to express this season of life. the idea and technique has evolved slightly, but here's the first, with my camera phone, please excuse low quality and give me a little extra credit, of course you can't get the full effect.
it's been one of the few times in my life where i ran to my creativity to express myself. i've never made it to the end of my list of avenues. frankly, i'm scared of letting myself be fully known, letting others feel the weight of who i am, let alone expressing myself in a tangible way. leaving actual evidence. of me. for everyone to judge and analyze.
i suppose i was desperate.
white. blank slate. me.
my train of thought went to plans, layouts, blueprints, notes- scratchings, sketches, brainstorms that take place at a beginning of an idea. all beautiful things in the world started from a blank slate. all inventions, all architecture of antiquity and modern, and on a larger scale- all nature and creation. everything. granted, people and art absolutely do not exist in a vacuum and surely are inspired by something. so it's not perfectly white. (see also: jasper johns' off-white american flag, also a big inspiration.) plus, everything is slightly tainted, unconsciously biased by culture or upbringing and sin. so images appear, transcend, out of this off-white, that's been worked- underlining sketches and scratchings, underlying colors and images. something boldly steps forward. against the white. fighting against nothingness.
i wanted to test out the technique so i started by just doing a plain chandelier. something that i've always found absolutely beautiful, a symbol of elegance. completely ornamental. embellishment. if you're gonna effing light up a place, do it well. do it elegantly. someone set out from nothing, some light bulbs and crystals. all those individually beautiful pieces. together. it was a new idea at some point. and someone had to work, possibly from humble beginnings, to buy it.
i've finished two other small ones, re-working a few big ones, and really excited about one i'm in the middle of. i have an extremely hard time finishing things. but am excited to continue to express this season of life. the idea and technique has evolved slightly, but here's the first, with my camera phone, please excuse low quality and give me a little extra credit, of course you can't get the full effect.
Monday, October 26, 2009
i think you might. just have to trust me on this one.
god’s language assignment to adam exposed a void. unfolded incompleteness.
in naming creation adam realizes a need. a desire. for relational answering. for intimacy. naming something involves knowing it intimately, it’s an inextricably personal and meaningful process. one that must have taken a long time and a lot of thought.
he nailed it. can you imagine calling a fox by any other name. or a robin, a hippopotamus. or a skunk. you just don’t pull that out. and eventually adam is able to call all of creation by name… but they don’t answer. god chose to construct the story of creation this way. he set him up!
countless numbers of jewish people went without a messiah. without intimacy. set up. adam must have been so lonely. none were like him. none capable of relationship, all of them at the mercy of primal instincts. adam was participating in creation. by himself. incompleteness.
actual story or allegory, either way, exposes god's intentions. brilliance. plan. he's continually creating. it doesn’t stop in genesis. he is shaping us, never a non participant. and maybe, just maybe, beyond my short-sightedness, there is a reason for my state of inefficacy. my feelings of mediocrity. puerility. incompleteness.
in naming creation adam realizes a need. a desire. for relational answering. for intimacy. naming something involves knowing it intimately, it’s an inextricably personal and meaningful process. one that must have taken a long time and a lot of thought.
he nailed it. can you imagine calling a fox by any other name. or a robin, a hippopotamus. or a skunk. you just don’t pull that out. and eventually adam is able to call all of creation by name… but they don’t answer. god chose to construct the story of creation this way. he set him up!
countless numbers of jewish people went without a messiah. without intimacy. set up. adam must have been so lonely. none were like him. none capable of relationship, all of them at the mercy of primal instincts. adam was participating in creation. by himself. incompleteness.
actual story or allegory, either way, exposes god's intentions. brilliance. plan. he's continually creating. it doesn’t stop in genesis. he is shaping us, never a non participant. and maybe, just maybe, beyond my short-sightedness, there is a reason for my state of inefficacy. my feelings of mediocrity. puerility. incompleteness.
Friday, October 23, 2009
i pride myself on my humility
maybe i've become cynical. [i realized the other day during a community night that i felt a disconnect. i've been learning and talking a lot about god but not talking to him. any approach to salvation, which he is playing out every day, that does not eventually become worship becomes distorted and reduced to a concept. a program. a technique. we master it and therefore control it. with intentions of worshiping together, i felt a loss of words during corporate praise and prayer. i've taken control.] all this to say, maybe the following is biased. maybe i’m cynical.
i found myself rolling my eyes at status updates that boast of, "great nights, great friends," "i love my life," "i am so lucky." [preconceived judgments possibly influence some intolerance.] i think, 'yea, so?' these sentiments in my mini-feed and twitter feel forced. seem fake. self-applauding. disconnect.
god is the source of all that is good. everything that's beautiful... wonderful. sorry, i couldn't resist. a dismaying abundance of altruistic phenomenon abides in the everyday. creation is endlessly complex. everyone can and does encounter good things in stunning and variegated ways, there's endless possibilities, literally. accordingly there’s disconnect with differing arrays of happiness. we roll our eyes, even if it's genuine from their end. rare is the discovery and connection with a kindred soul and stumbling upon such confidantes should in fact be celebrated. not everyone would delight in a rare thrift store find or the accomplishment of finishing a difficult run. to truly celebrate the good things you experience with you. to know first hand the feeling, because they’ve felt it. they make you feel like you're not the only one. cause you’re not.
i'm much more prone to comment or "like" or reply to updates concerning upsets, discouragements, sadness, injustices, hopelessness, annoyances. i can relate on a deep level more easily without preclusion. the devil’s imagination is vastly smaller than gods, not as far-reaching, his tools less reverberant. i understand human defense mechanisms, pains, the annoyances, the guilt, the same propensity to sin, same heart ache, same weaknesses, same lies. even if it's not the same circumstances, i have files and files of history of hurts i can pull from. empathize with.
it takes a lot less effort to relate the pains of being human. it takes certain skill to evoke an experience of beauty. god is too vast. ineffable. there's too big of a vocabulary to pull from. masters of written and spoken words chiefly seem to succeed when they evoke those feelings of embarrassment, pain, annoyance, hurt, abandonment. they cause you to mourn with or laugh at shared experiences, but they connect. the pains of being a human.
yes, i just blogged about status updates.
i found myself rolling my eyes at status updates that boast of, "great nights, great friends," "i love my life," "i am so lucky." [preconceived judgments possibly influence some intolerance.] i think, 'yea, so?' these sentiments in my mini-feed and twitter feel forced. seem fake. self-applauding. disconnect.
god is the source of all that is good. everything that's beautiful... wonderful. sorry, i couldn't resist. a dismaying abundance of altruistic phenomenon abides in the everyday. creation is endlessly complex. everyone can and does encounter good things in stunning and variegated ways, there's endless possibilities, literally. accordingly there’s disconnect with differing arrays of happiness. we roll our eyes, even if it's genuine from their end. rare is the discovery and connection with a kindred soul and stumbling upon such confidantes should in fact be celebrated. not everyone would delight in a rare thrift store find or the accomplishment of finishing a difficult run. to truly celebrate the good things you experience with you. to know first hand the feeling, because they’ve felt it. they make you feel like you're not the only one. cause you’re not.
i'm much more prone to comment or "like" or reply to updates concerning upsets, discouragements, sadness, injustices, hopelessness, annoyances. i can relate on a deep level more easily without preclusion. the devil’s imagination is vastly smaller than gods, not as far-reaching, his tools less reverberant. i understand human defense mechanisms, pains, the annoyances, the guilt, the same propensity to sin, same heart ache, same weaknesses, same lies. even if it's not the same circumstances, i have files and files of history of hurts i can pull from. empathize with.
it takes a lot less effort to relate the pains of being human. it takes certain skill to evoke an experience of beauty. god is too vast. ineffable. there's too big of a vocabulary to pull from. masters of written and spoken words chiefly seem to succeed when they evoke those feelings of embarrassment, pain, annoyance, hurt, abandonment. they cause you to mourn with or laugh at shared experiences, but they connect. the pains of being a human.
yes, i just blogged about status updates.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
wild!
collection of thoughts after seeing where the wild things are. combined with thoughts from 'christ plays in ten thousand places' and 'the creative habit' ...
"everything that happens in a day is a transaction between the external world and my internal world. everything is raw material. everything is relevant. everything is usable. everything feeds into my creativity. but without proper preparation, i cannot see it, retain it, use it."
where the wild things are encapsulates all those childhood feelings of wonder and angst. and emotions that you don't quite know how to deal with yet so you wind up on top of the kitchen table screaming at your mother. all those beautiful, imaginative, intense feelings that we've squandered and labeled as maturity. as we get older, we develop competence and gain mastery over ourselves and our environment. we become so absorbed in what were doing, where were going; that god's work, god's creation is forgotten or marginalized. but our minds and imagination are inherently unrestricted and boundless from birth and we’re designed to begin participating in god's creation work.
something in max told him that celebration of creation and of each other was the first step to eliminating sadness, and so a wild rumpus began. a child knew instinctively. a child also innately knew that establishing a common goal for the monsters would bring them together. their community served together and for each other. there are things that are so carnal, so instinctive, so intrinsically life-giving that it can only point to the way things were meant to be. max unhesitatingly and barbarously discerns that.
but max is no savior. he can't live up to it. his ability to control starts to crumble after the early apogee of escaping there. the depravity of humans is beautifully and masterfully revealed.
everything in the movie, like a child, is raw, unfiltered, risky, and unabashedly nonsensical. from the dialogue to the music, it doesn't owe anything to anyone, it's free.
jesus said we can only enter the kingdom "as a little child." we rarely take the time to detach ourselves from the world's way of doing things and from our own compulsions. we take things into our own hands. we are not free to see and respond to who god is and what he is doing. to attend. to adore. as a little child.
"everything that happens in a day is a transaction between the external world and my internal world. everything is raw material. everything is relevant. everything is usable. everything feeds into my creativity. but without proper preparation, i cannot see it, retain it, use it."
where the wild things are encapsulates all those childhood feelings of wonder and angst. and emotions that you don't quite know how to deal with yet so you wind up on top of the kitchen table screaming at your mother. all those beautiful, imaginative, intense feelings that we've squandered and labeled as maturity. as we get older, we develop competence and gain mastery over ourselves and our environment. we become so absorbed in what were doing, where were going; that god's work, god's creation is forgotten or marginalized. but our minds and imagination are inherently unrestricted and boundless from birth and we’re designed to begin participating in god's creation work.
something in max told him that celebration of creation and of each other was the first step to eliminating sadness, and so a wild rumpus began. a child knew instinctively. a child also innately knew that establishing a common goal for the monsters would bring them together. their community served together and for each other. there are things that are so carnal, so instinctive, so intrinsically life-giving that it can only point to the way things were meant to be. max unhesitatingly and barbarously discerns that.
but max is no savior. he can't live up to it. his ability to control starts to crumble after the early apogee of escaping there. the depravity of humans is beautifully and masterfully revealed.
everything in the movie, like a child, is raw, unfiltered, risky, and unabashedly nonsensical. from the dialogue to the music, it doesn't owe anything to anyone, it's free.
jesus said we can only enter the kingdom "as a little child." we rarely take the time to detach ourselves from the world's way of doing things and from our own compulsions. we take things into our own hands. we are not free to see and respond to who god is and what he is doing. to attend. to adore. as a little child.
Friday, August 21, 2009
preterpluperfect
human beings were made not only to believe in god abstractly but to love him supremely, center their lives on him, and build their identities on him. the first commandment, to not have any other gods before him, defines sin as making good things into ultimate things. seeking something else more central to your significance, purpose, and happiness than your relationship with god.
no human relationship can bear this burden of godhood, if your partner is your ‘all’ then any shortcoming in him becomes a major threat to you. in the other person we hope to ride ourselves of our feeling of nothingness, to know our existence has not been vain. we want redemption. needless to say, humans cannot give this.
only if your identity is built on god and his love can you have a self that can venture anything, face anything.
paraphrased bits i learned from tim keller and ernest becker. these words gave me yet another ‘ah ha’ moment. intercedes to illuminate my dark places. i feel so free. this time i feel like these shimmers of elucidation are to foster my heart and mind for something else. as a preventative measure. god whispering, 'this is not the way, follow me.' i might easily confuse this with a way to make foregoing things better. to hold on. but its preterpluperfect. and i'm more than ok with that. finally.
no human relationship can bear this burden of godhood, if your partner is your ‘all’ then any shortcoming in him becomes a major threat to you. in the other person we hope to ride ourselves of our feeling of nothingness, to know our existence has not been vain. we want redemption. needless to say, humans cannot give this.
only if your identity is built on god and his love can you have a self that can venture anything, face anything.
paraphrased bits i learned from tim keller and ernest becker. these words gave me yet another ‘ah ha’ moment. intercedes to illuminate my dark places. i feel so free. this time i feel like these shimmers of elucidation are to foster my heart and mind for something else. as a preventative measure. god whispering, 'this is not the way, follow me.' i might easily confuse this with a way to make foregoing things better. to hold on. but its preterpluperfect. and i'm more than ok with that. finally.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
more than morpheme
this is far too much paint for one to have without actually painting. i have a series in mind that i want to do. and so i will. everyday. for at least an hour. willing to make some mistakes.
one interesting thought that someone pointed out to me about being equally yoked.. i had always seen that being applied to strictly not yoking yourself to an unchristian, if you are a christian. but not as the caliber of christians dating other christians. i can’t expect some amazing man of god to want to be with me if i’m not trying to be the type of woman deserving of that. my yoke does not reach such heights.
Monday, August 17, 2009
brim of utterance
i was riding my bike and almost crashed. it’s weird going from a fixed to a geared bike. i went to brake and push back on the pedals to find that i only coasted. luckily drivers were paying attention this morning.
i had the thought when i felt sweat start to drip due to the brutish florida sun, inattentive and injudicious that the morning hours are reserved for the coolness of day. i saw a woman walking with an umbrella to block the sun, and from the depths of my memory i thought of wearing one of those umbrella hats. my dad is a huge proponent of function over form, the horror of an adolescent girl who walks through those days with, ‘dad! you’re embarrassing me’ at the tip of her tongue. i remember we were at the atlanta olympics, which made me about ten, on the cusp of knowing what was cool and what was very very uncool. dad had already wrecked my image by making us ride our bikes around and being completely unscrupulous scalping for tickets… to events like fencing and boxing nonetheless. all this to say, we bought umbrella hats for the occasion that he thought were man’s best invention at the time. and i remember being horrifyingly humbled at a tennis match where i refused to wear the stupid hat for at least half the match until my face was sunburned and my clothes drenched in sweat, i longed for the shade that the umbrella offered. dad would be so proud if i wore one when riding my bike around lake mary i think.
god is relentless, his love remorseless, he wants our salvation with the determination due its importance. in the past weeks i've asked for a prayerful heart and, the lord striped away the props that i leaned on; for a humble heart, and he gave me humiliations; an increase of faith, he striped me of the safety that i’d identified with faith. i prayed not really believing, or thinking i knew how he would answer me. i shouldn't be shocked at the way he answered me- i gave him a little room to move, and he did. it's no wonder he made that day on the tennis court so blistering hot.
i’ve read that the first conversion is generally characterized by joy and enthusiasm and filled with felt alleviation and a profound sense of god’s presence, the second is marked by dryness, barrenness, desolation, and a profound sense of god’s absence. shamefully i think this might make my third or fourth ‘conversion’ but its an indispensable stage of spiritual growth. a grim realization and acceptance of the fact that i am totally dependent upon god’s love and mercy. he emptied me so that i could become humble and detached, knowing that he hasn’t deserted me but removed obstacles keeping me from a deeper union. without such there could be no movement in love. there is no cheap grace. these only dispose us to prayer, humility, and faith, not just an excuse to wallow in the suffering, self-pity, rebellion, pride or apathy that catenates.
i had the thought when i felt sweat start to drip due to the brutish florida sun, inattentive and injudicious that the morning hours are reserved for the coolness of day. i saw a woman walking with an umbrella to block the sun, and from the depths of my memory i thought of wearing one of those umbrella hats. my dad is a huge proponent of function over form, the horror of an adolescent girl who walks through those days with, ‘dad! you’re embarrassing me’ at the tip of her tongue. i remember we were at the atlanta olympics, which made me about ten, on the cusp of knowing what was cool and what was very very uncool. dad had already wrecked my image by making us ride our bikes around and being completely unscrupulous scalping for tickets… to events like fencing and boxing nonetheless. all this to say, we bought umbrella hats for the occasion that he thought were man’s best invention at the time. and i remember being horrifyingly humbled at a tennis match where i refused to wear the stupid hat for at least half the match until my face was sunburned and my clothes drenched in sweat, i longed for the shade that the umbrella offered. dad would be so proud if i wore one when riding my bike around lake mary i think.
god is relentless, his love remorseless, he wants our salvation with the determination due its importance. in the past weeks i've asked for a prayerful heart and, the lord striped away the props that i leaned on; for a humble heart, and he gave me humiliations; an increase of faith, he striped me of the safety that i’d identified with faith. i prayed not really believing, or thinking i knew how he would answer me. i shouldn't be shocked at the way he answered me- i gave him a little room to move, and he did. it's no wonder he made that day on the tennis court so blistering hot.
i’ve read that the first conversion is generally characterized by joy and enthusiasm and filled with felt alleviation and a profound sense of god’s presence, the second is marked by dryness, barrenness, desolation, and a profound sense of god’s absence. shamefully i think this might make my third or fourth ‘conversion’ but its an indispensable stage of spiritual growth. a grim realization and acceptance of the fact that i am totally dependent upon god’s love and mercy. he emptied me so that i could become humble and detached, knowing that he hasn’t deserted me but removed obstacles keeping me from a deeper union. without such there could be no movement in love. there is no cheap grace. these only dispose us to prayer, humility, and faith, not just an excuse to wallow in the suffering, self-pity, rebellion, pride or apathy that catenates.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
day two
someone invited me to go overseas long-term with a small group of people that i really really admire. my immediate response is to jump on board. is it because i'm running away. is because it's easy. because i'm impatient. i semi-impulsively moved away before, thinking it would be best for me without giving it a second thought. and now i'm back. i don't want to do that again. i don't even know how to sort out my feelings and what god would want.
christine, sally and i were walking in the mall and saw this hurricane experience thing and were to far too intrigued to pass it up. but not quite stupid enough to pay two dollars for it. we ended up sitting in near-by la.z.boys and waited for someone else who was slightly more intrigued to risk the two dollars. or a child who could convince a parent to rob a bank with the right facial expression, tears, or bat of an eye. success. it turned out to just blow wind at the kid for 10 seconds. his assessment, 'my eyes hurt.'
christine, sally and i were walking in the mall and saw this hurricane experience thing and were to far too intrigued to pass it up. but not quite stupid enough to pay two dollars for it. we ended up sitting in near-by la.z.boys and waited for someone else who was slightly more intrigued to risk the two dollars. or a child who could convince a parent to rob a bank with the right facial expression, tears, or bat of an eye. success. it turned out to just blow wind at the kid for 10 seconds. his assessment, 'my eyes hurt.'
Saturday, August 15, 2009
dulcinea
'the signature of jesus' is helping me sort through some things that have happened in the past couple months. speaking straight to my heart. i'm not sure what will happen in the future, and if i'll be given a chance to redeem myself. or if these lessons are to be learned for someone else. i think too much trust has been lost and a desire to move on might be weighing too heavily. regardless, these need to be apart of who i am, always, i cannot be 'successful' otherwise. four things that i can pinpoint that i was lacking... not the only things, but what i identify with so far in the book. these are basically taken straight from it but i couldn't otherwise express with clarity my deficiencies like he does.
one.
the early church was built on small groups of people who came together to support one another in a whole new way of life. these communities should be small enough for intimacy, kindred enough for acceptance, and gentle enough for criticism. egos will collide, personalities conflict, power-brokers intrude, anger and resentment surface, risk is inevitable. there can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability, there can be no peace and ultimately no life, without community.
two.
the question at the last judgment was ‘how did you respond to needy brothers and sisters?’ he expects humble apprenticeship and serving love. 'whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' -matthew 25:40. i was convicted of this a little while back in deuteronomy where serving is closely tied with the greatest commandment. you can't separate the two. i lacked that in atlanta and it was detrimental.
three.
"the gentleness of jesus with sinners flowed from his ability to read their hearts and to detect the sincerity and goodness there. behind men’s grumpiest poses and most puzzling defense mechanisms, behind their arrogance and airs, behind their silence, sneers, and curses, jesus saw little children who hadn’t been loved enough and had ceased growing because someone had ceased believing in them." i had forgotten that jesus does that to me and that i should do that to others.
manning uses the story of alonsa (don quixote) and aldonza, a tramp. in delusion alonso treats aldonza as an aristocrat. he calls her "dulcinea," my lady, my sweet little one. this awakens something in her she thought she could never be. she had been dead, frozen, immune to human emotion. but she began to believe that she was dulcinea. we have a powerful impact on others.
four.
"self hatred is an indecent luxury that no disciple can afford. it subtly reestablishes me as the center of my focus and concern. biblically this is idolatry. any spirituality that does not lead from a self-centered to an other-centered mode of existence is bankrupt."
dang manning. dang.
one.
the early church was built on small groups of people who came together to support one another in a whole new way of life. these communities should be small enough for intimacy, kindred enough for acceptance, and gentle enough for criticism. egos will collide, personalities conflict, power-brokers intrude, anger and resentment surface, risk is inevitable. there can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability, there can be no peace and ultimately no life, without community.
two.
the question at the last judgment was ‘how did you respond to needy brothers and sisters?’ he expects humble apprenticeship and serving love. 'whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' -matthew 25:40. i was convicted of this a little while back in deuteronomy where serving is closely tied with the greatest commandment. you can't separate the two. i lacked that in atlanta and it was detrimental.
three.
"the gentleness of jesus with sinners flowed from his ability to read their hearts and to detect the sincerity and goodness there. behind men’s grumpiest poses and most puzzling defense mechanisms, behind their arrogance and airs, behind their silence, sneers, and curses, jesus saw little children who hadn’t been loved enough and had ceased growing because someone had ceased believing in them." i had forgotten that jesus does that to me and that i should do that to others.
manning uses the story of alonsa (don quixote) and aldonza, a tramp. in delusion alonso treats aldonza as an aristocrat. he calls her "dulcinea," my lady, my sweet little one. this awakens something in her she thought she could never be. she had been dead, frozen, immune to human emotion. but she began to believe that she was dulcinea. we have a powerful impact on others.
four.
"self hatred is an indecent luxury that no disciple can afford. it subtly reestablishes me as the center of my focus and concern. biblically this is idolatry. any spirituality that does not lead from a self-centered to an other-centered mode of existence is bankrupt."
dang manning. dang.
Friday, August 14, 2009
one more post for today
i have a lot on my mind..
i have been overwhelmed with support and love in the two days that i've been heading back to florida. it really is a beautiful picture of the body of christ. they remind that i'm going to be alright and that i am loved. they also seem to all be on my side. i feel right. i feel justified in my anger. i feel stubborn.
i have promised and intend on seeking god passionately so as to hear his voice on this whole matter. i want to be guided by him. i want to decide and respond with a clear conscience that he is directing me. i've gotten a little boost and reassurance from people that some things i think are true and they agree with me and thats its biblical. i write this to keep myself accountable and to remember that my friends who i deeply love and who are being really great friends do not know whats ultimately best for me. i need gods directing and rebuking and truth above all.
i have been overwhelmed with support and love in the two days that i've been heading back to florida. it really is a beautiful picture of the body of christ. they remind that i'm going to be alright and that i am loved. they also seem to all be on my side. i feel right. i feel justified in my anger. i feel stubborn.
i have promised and intend on seeking god passionately so as to hear his voice on this whole matter. i want to be guided by him. i want to decide and respond with a clear conscience that he is directing me. i've gotten a little boost and reassurance from people that some things i think are true and they agree with me and thats its biblical. i write this to keep myself accountable and to remember that my friends who i deeply love and who are being really great friends do not know whats ultimately best for me. i need gods directing and rebuking and truth above all.
perhaps this is the essence of faith: to be convinced of the reliability of god
throughout his life jesus' words were never those of blaming and shaming, accusing and condemning, threatening, bribing, and labeling. nor should mine. only when we claim the love of christ with heartfelt conviction, this love that transcends all judgments, can we overcome all fear of judgment. as long as we continue to live as if we are what we do, as if we are what we have, and as if we are what other people think about us, we will remain filled with judgments, opinions, evaluations, and condemnations. we will remain addicted to the need to put people in their place.
disservice
i picked back up a book by brennan manning. i record in hopes that i remember a little later in life. in ten days or so.
"our deepest need is for the inexhaustible power of the love of christ. the miracle of christianity is that the need is already met.
"what jesus longs to see in radical disciples is what he saw in little children: a spirit of sheer receptivity, utter dependence, and radical reliance on the power and mercy and grace of God mediated through the spirit of christ. 'apart from me you can do nothing'"
nothing. we cannot even desire god. it requires surrendering daily... daily. to. die. daily. to self-centeredness in all its forms, including self-promotion and self-condemnation. it can't be taken lightly. there is nothing about the life of christ which was mediocre. to follow him is to live and think radically. i realize that i have taken it very lightly in the past few months. not in the past couple days, but months. and i know it would be an extreme disservice if i allowed myself to be with someone who didn't take it seriously. we are not given an 'out' because we're sinners. we are not called to less. we are nothing without him. but that just means i have to rely on him more. not make excuses. how can i expect any relationship, any pursuit, anything, to be fruitful without him.
i love the urgency and seriousness and honesty that you can hear in manning's words. i love his insistence that says it is not a man’s words that measure his faith, but his actions. this stirs my heart. i feel more free. more able. less bound.
"our deepest need is for the inexhaustible power of the love of christ. the miracle of christianity is that the need is already met.
"what jesus longs to see in radical disciples is what he saw in little children: a spirit of sheer receptivity, utter dependence, and radical reliance on the power and mercy and grace of God mediated through the spirit of christ. 'apart from me you can do nothing'"
nothing. we cannot even desire god. it requires surrendering daily... daily. to. die. daily. to self-centeredness in all its forms, including self-promotion and self-condemnation. it can't be taken lightly. there is nothing about the life of christ which was mediocre. to follow him is to live and think radically. i realize that i have taken it very lightly in the past few months. not in the past couple days, but months. and i know it would be an extreme disservice if i allowed myself to be with someone who didn't take it seriously. we are not given an 'out' because we're sinners. we are not called to less. we are nothing without him. but that just means i have to rely on him more. not make excuses. how can i expect any relationship, any pursuit, anything, to be fruitful without him.
i love the urgency and seriousness and honesty that you can hear in manning's words. i love his insistence that says it is not a man’s words that measure his faith, but his actions. this stirs my heart. i feel more free. more able. less bound.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
He is your praise
By nature we do not love God. This is original sin, the source whence our wickedness proceeds; and the carnal mind is enmity against God, for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be; so then they that are in the flesh cannot please God, Romans 8:5-9. Let us, without delay or reserve, come and cleave to our reconciled God in Jesus Christ, that we may love, serve, and obey him acceptably, and be daily changed into his image, from glory to glory, by the Spirit of the Lord. Consider the greatness and glory of God; and his goodness and grace; these persuade us to our duty. Blessed Spirit! Oh for thy purifying, persevering, and renewing influences, that being called out of the state of strangers, such as our fathers were, we may be found among the number of the children of God, and that our lot may be among the saints.
commentary of deut 10:12-22. read it. love it.
commentary of deut 10:12-22. read it. love it.
reiterate
you provoked the lord to wrath.. you did not believe.. you did not obey his voice.. you are a stubborn people.. the lord wanted to destroy you.. he was angry with you.. you have been rebellious against the lord from the day that I knew you.
that's just taken from one chapter in deuteronomy. it's throughout the whole story of israel's exodus. why then are these his choosen people?
it gives me comfort that we are failures. god knows that about us, his choosen people are people that disappointed him. why did he make it that way.
i don't know if this is related to israel's sin but surely part of it. i get most upset at people when i have preconcieved notions of how the person should act, what they should do, or what they should say. i get upset in the moment that they're not being my puppet, and they have no clue what just happened.
hypothetically. when i'm driving over to someones house to pick something up and i'm thinking innocently, oh i could go in and grab something else and give them some music that they've been wanting while i'm there. but then, heaven forbid, they come out and give me the thing i came for and i get upset. like they somehow knew the plan i'd come up with in the five minutes after getting off the phone, and maliciously went against it. i never communicate that i have an idea, can i come in real quick, just become defeated and silent, crushed. what? that's absolutely ridiculous. it happens so fast, i don't realize till after.
i pray for communication skills.
the people of israel can certainly relate in their false or selfish expectations from god. they thought the had their journey all figured out. and surely i do that to god and, altough not examined by moses, surely they dealt with selfish expectations of others in everyday life. it's got to be a condition of the human heart.
we think we're right. all the time. we know the best way for things to play out. surely.
i pray for humility.
that's just taken from one chapter in deuteronomy. it's throughout the whole story of israel's exodus. why then are these his choosen people?
it gives me comfort that we are failures. god knows that about us, his choosen people are people that disappointed him. why did he make it that way.
i don't know if this is related to israel's sin but surely part of it. i get most upset at people when i have preconcieved notions of how the person should act, what they should do, or what they should say. i get upset in the moment that they're not being my puppet, and they have no clue what just happened.
hypothetically. when i'm driving over to someones house to pick something up and i'm thinking innocently, oh i could go in and grab something else and give them some music that they've been wanting while i'm there. but then, heaven forbid, they come out and give me the thing i came for and i get upset. like they somehow knew the plan i'd come up with in the five minutes after getting off the phone, and maliciously went against it. i never communicate that i have an idea, can i come in real quick, just become defeated and silent, crushed. what? that's absolutely ridiculous. it happens so fast, i don't realize till after.
i pray for communication skills.
the people of israel can certainly relate in their false or selfish expectations from god. they thought the had their journey all figured out. and surely i do that to god and, altough not examined by moses, surely they dealt with selfish expectations of others in everyday life. it's got to be a condition of the human heart.
we think we're right. all the time. we know the best way for things to play out. surely.
i pray for humility.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
responsibility
it's really hard to play hostess. my brother and his girlfriend are in town and i feel pressure to make sure every minute of their day is exciting and jam-packed. but i don't know anything about atlanta. its exhausting. i'm definitely enjoying seeing them and spending time with them. but i just wish i didn't feel the pressure. like when you are the one throwing the party and you can't relax and enjoy it cause you feel responsible to make sure its a good party. the end.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
quirks
i hate taking things out of the shower. i have so many empty or nearly empty bottles that i'm too lazy to take out. i always forget until i get back in the shower and then by the end, i forget. something that i don't forget: tracking numbers. as soon as i get the confirmation email, i'm checking to see where the package's home was and when the expected arrival date is. i love the technology of arrival and departure scans that enables you know the exact the path of your package. i get really excited for the 'out for delivery' notice, ok? geez. don't judge me.
Friday, August 7, 2009
some times
sometimes when i see people with their bible open or when i hear people talking about god i get the urge to encourage them. i want to yell, 'i'm on your side!' 'i believe!' it's completely impulsive. and completely ridiculous. maybe because it sometimes feels like your up against so much resentment that it just would feel nice knowing that your not alone. i wonder how people would respond.
today i had a conversation that i didn't really expect anything from. i was just wasting time before my shift started, not looking for conversation, actually not really wanting to talk at all. but one of our regulars wound up teaching me things about a passage in deuteronomy that were really interesting and well-informed. he mentioned something that stuck with me. when i asked him where he learned all of it he said that he grew up a christian but his mom was kinda the spirital leader, and since he's realized the adverse affects he has a personal mandate to be the spiritual leader. and to take that seriously. why is it my nature to expect the worst out of people. this young, attractive, college kid, baseball player, 40% tipper who comes in everyday is teaching me beautiful things and is taking something seriously that god laid on his heart. i guess the world is jading and i come to expect the worst. expect that there aren't many people loving christ and so i get overly excited when i see them publicly worshiping and lift them up to the status of preacher. also an ugly character of my heart to think that people don't have anything to offer me. i need to learn more from other people's experiences. they are valuable.
i noticed today that when i looked at the clock and it said 8:30, i finally just took it for 8:30. i wasn't looking at where the sun was, figuring out what time it would be before the switch, calculating what time it would get dark now, ya know regular compulsive type stuff. so now i will have to wait till 'fall back' daylight savings before i can start looking at the time and thinking about the way things used to be at that same 'time.' i am free. free indeed.
today i had a conversation that i didn't really expect anything from. i was just wasting time before my shift started, not looking for conversation, actually not really wanting to talk at all. but one of our regulars wound up teaching me things about a passage in deuteronomy that were really interesting and well-informed. he mentioned something that stuck with me. when i asked him where he learned all of it he said that he grew up a christian but his mom was kinda the spirital leader, and since he's realized the adverse affects he has a personal mandate to be the spiritual leader. and to take that seriously. why is it my nature to expect the worst out of people. this young, attractive, college kid, baseball player, 40% tipper who comes in everyday is teaching me beautiful things and is taking something seriously that god laid on his heart. i guess the world is jading and i come to expect the worst. expect that there aren't many people loving christ and so i get overly excited when i see them publicly worshiping and lift them up to the status of preacher. also an ugly character of my heart to think that people don't have anything to offer me. i need to learn more from other people's experiences. they are valuable.
i noticed today that when i looked at the clock and it said 8:30, i finally just took it for 8:30. i wasn't looking at where the sun was, figuring out what time it would be before the switch, calculating what time it would get dark now, ya know regular compulsive type stuff. so now i will have to wait till 'fall back' daylight savings before i can start looking at the time and thinking about the way things used to be at that same 'time.' i am free. free indeed.
literally
i'm leaving atlanta in less than a week. i can't help but to feel like a failure. it was too good to be true. too good to live up to.
i've finally made it to the last book of the torah writing the bible. deuteronomy is beautiful. its like the 'the best of, moses edition.' a summary of the best parts of the previous 4 books. i've learned so much in six chapters. bullet points for simplification.
_1:21 "Go up, take possession, as the Lord, the God of your fathers has told you. Do not fear or be dismayed." I need to hear that in this period of change in my life.
_3:22 "you shall not fear them, for it is the Lord your God who fights for you." amen. amen.
_5:17 "you shall not murder" in the margins i read the the hebrew word for murder also covers causing human death through carelessness or negligence. that's quite different. i hate watching the news, i choose to be ignorant. am i a murderer?
_6:5 the greatest command.. you shall love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all you soul and with all your might. and those words shall be on my heart. they should be apart of who i am reaching and flowing into every other part of my body. i've been thinking a lot about what that's supposed to look like.
i don't understand how marriages function. once you get past the cat and mouse game and several months later after you got em, when the fireworks and glitter fade, you realize you're stuck with a sinner. all that excitement of finding someone new, someone attractive, someone you can have fun with.. you realize that the person has flaws. how in this world can we learn to be selfless enough to love another sinner completely. sin is ugly. all of it. there's no way around it. i can't possibly believe that one person's sin is uglier than another's and you get all of it, all. of. it. when you marry someone. incomprehensible.
as i'm writing this a song came on with a line, 'i feel like everything's about to change. it's real. things will never be the same.' i felt butterflies and excitement and optimism when i heard this song a couple months ago. and now as i listen to it now, i'm terrified. how am i in this place again. gosh, i'm such a downer but i'm working under the assumption that no one is reading this. but something's about to change and i have no idea what. a few months ago i was promised such beautiful things. and now its changing. how did i let you do this to me again.
a friend told me that i'm in god's hands, within in his protection, i literally can't fail. god doesn't fail.
literally is the coolest word to say in a british accent. try it. aloud.
i've finally made it to the last book of the torah writing the bible. deuteronomy is beautiful. its like the 'the best of, moses edition.' a summary of the best parts of the previous 4 books. i've learned so much in six chapters. bullet points for simplification.
_1:21 "Go up, take possession, as the Lord, the God of your fathers has told you. Do not fear or be dismayed." I need to hear that in this period of change in my life.
_3:22 "you shall not fear them, for it is the Lord your God who fights for you." amen. amen.
_5:17 "you shall not murder" in the margins i read the the hebrew word for murder also covers causing human death through carelessness or negligence. that's quite different. i hate watching the news, i choose to be ignorant. am i a murderer?
_6:5 the greatest command.. you shall love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all you soul and with all your might. and those words shall be on my heart. they should be apart of who i am reaching and flowing into every other part of my body. i've been thinking a lot about what that's supposed to look like.
i don't understand how marriages function. once you get past the cat and mouse game and several months later after you got em, when the fireworks and glitter fade, you realize you're stuck with a sinner. all that excitement of finding someone new, someone attractive, someone you can have fun with.. you realize that the person has flaws. how in this world can we learn to be selfless enough to love another sinner completely. sin is ugly. all of it. there's no way around it. i can't possibly believe that one person's sin is uglier than another's and you get all of it, all. of. it. when you marry someone. incomprehensible.
as i'm writing this a song came on with a line, 'i feel like everything's about to change. it's real. things will never be the same.' i felt butterflies and excitement and optimism when i heard this song a couple months ago. and now as i listen to it now, i'm terrified. how am i in this place again. gosh, i'm such a downer but i'm working under the assumption that no one is reading this. but something's about to change and i have no idea what. a few months ago i was promised such beautiful things. and now its changing. how did i let you do this to me again.
a friend told me that i'm in god's hands, within in his protection, i literally can't fail. god doesn't fail.
literally is the coolest word to say in a british accent. try it. aloud.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
woe is me.
i think i might move back to florida. i think that i'm excited about it. you know whats hard... i'm so torn at being present here and living in the past. i want so bad to plant my feet and love a city, but also don't want to lose past relationships. i'm so bad at keeping in touch, mostly default to, 'out of sight, out of mind.' but i geniunely care about the people in orlando and other folks from my past living in different cities. its like if i fully choose to love this city, it would leave no room for past people. and even so, its hard when you're not present to really maintain that long-distance and not be able to love them in the everyday. i have no excuse because for whatever reason i havent felt like i ever wanted to invest in atlanta. i miss my community in orlando. i miss letting myself be loved and loving people.
listen. repeat.
gosh. i hate being a woman. i hate being weak. i hate being fed lies. i hate that i believe them. as a woman i believe that i’m not worthy. it affects everything. especially in areas that i’m already weak. like in communication. i can’t ask for anything and am scared to say what i want to people i care about most. there are so many other things vying for people’s attention and its hard for me to believe that i am worth people’s attention. i am worth people’s time. those other things, those forms of technology or other friends or whatever… 'they’re all better than me.' i am deeply jealous. but they're lies. the truth is that i am loved by the creator of the universe. he is jealous. he wants my heart.
i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe.
i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
broken
a scribe asked jesus what the most important commandment was, and jesus says to love god and then to love others as you love yourself, the scribe agreed and the jesus says, "You are not far from the kingdom of God."
meaning that the economy of the kingdom of god is all about relationships. the sum total of our lives will be measured in the relationships we have and how we treat them. that you can gauge where you are by the quality of your relationships. edwin mcmanus told me straight up that i wasn't ok today, and he was right. you can say that you're doing alright but when you honestly evaluate and you have no substantial, meaningful friendships, edwin says no sir. you are not ok.
meaning that the economy of the kingdom of god is all about relationships. the sum total of our lives will be measured in the relationships we have and how we treat them. that you can gauge where you are by the quality of your relationships. edwin mcmanus told me straight up that i wasn't ok today, and he was right. you can say that you're doing alright but when you honestly evaluate and you have no substantial, meaningful friendships, edwin says no sir. you are not ok.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
somewhere over the rainbow
what if we stop having a ball
what if the paint chips from the wall
what if there's always cups in the sink
what if i'm not what you think
what if i fall further than you
what if you dream of somebody new
what if i never let you in
chase you with a rolling pin
well, what if I do
cause I am giving up
on making passes
and i am giving up
on half empty glasses
and i am giving up
on greener grasses
i am giving
i am giving up
on greener grasses
i am giving up for you
what if the paint chips from the wall
what if there's always cups in the sink
what if i'm not what you think
what if i fall further than you
what if you dream of somebody new
what if i never let you in
chase you with a rolling pin
well, what if I do
cause I am giving up
on making passes
and i am giving up
on half empty glasses
and i am giving up
on greener grasses
i am giving
i am giving up
on greener grasses
i am giving up for you
humbled.
i’m discovering how ugly my soul is when left to its own devices. i was overwhelmed in a worship set of an ordination service of all places by how much i suck. its astonishing how much i walk around assuming by default that i don’t suck. ‘i didn’t do anything blatantly wrong’ so… i must not suck. right? ….right? it’s a beautiful thing to be humbled by god. to finally catch a glimpse of his glory through my hardened heart. i’m really bad at loving people. i’m really good at pretending like i can. decent at talking and thinking about it. really good at judging other people for not. i’m really ugly on the inside.
moved.
moving to a new place. i’ve asked for it basically since i found out that part of growing up was moving out of your parent’s house. i used to make plans to grow up and move to california. never of course thinking of what i would do there to provide for myself, that was never apart my childhood dreams. passion for a beautiful place and new experience was enough for me to pick up and move everything. i can mark periods of my life by where i wanted to move. california, any of the ‘southern’ states, africa, boston for a while, seatlle for a brief period, portland for slightly longer. now that i’ve finally moved out of a twenty mile radius, i’ve realized that i’ve idealized moving to a new place. duh. i naturally try to stay within the confines of a child’s mind. worries get in the way of action.
i went to a ‘faith & art symposium’ tonight, the guy said at one point that artists have chosen to harness the creativity and imagination that children innately have. when left in a room, children will sing a song, draw, create, imagine and that we as artists tap into that. i really liked tonight. i liked being encouraged by people to create. i liked to see what people were creating and to hear what they had to say about it. my mind starts racing and my heart beats faster at the thought of this night becoming my lifestyle. i feel like i waste a gift, given to me from god, to create. i think i have a lot to learn, and i’m not trying to be pompous when i say any of this. i don’t know how to visually convey the ideas in my head. but i need to allow myself to be left in a room and let my mind wonder. ok, this isn’t the point, the point is that not only do i need to create for that is how god wired me, but that i want to encourage others, i want to create a place for that creatively to naturally flow and it can be harnessed and expressed.
i was reading exodus and the story of bezelal and the building of the tabernacle is what originally sparked this flame within me. gosh its beautiful. but i didn’t intend for this post to be about that… focus. i just got this vision of having a place, a warehouse type thing i imagined, with different areas to inspire and to create. coffee is the starting point for all great work right? so to create a space to initiate ideas and to talk and inspire and bounce off ideas, colaborate.. couches, tables, desks to facilitate that. large tables to spread out in. an area to research, books, history books, poetry, music, art books, art hanging. and then i wanted an artists’ space for actual creation. blocked out spaces for artists to rent maybe, whatever the case, i would love to provide a space to give people the opportunity to start. to finish. to get past whatever cop out, excuse, or stumbling block that disallows them to use a gift, to tell a story, to illustrate their human experience.
anyway, moving is tough and i miss my friends. i value the community that i had there and the support provided. the growth they spurred, lessons learned. my family, i love them. i’ve never realized how much until i’ve moved away.
i went to a ‘faith & art symposium’ tonight, the guy said at one point that artists have chosen to harness the creativity and imagination that children innately have. when left in a room, children will sing a song, draw, create, imagine and that we as artists tap into that. i really liked tonight. i liked being encouraged by people to create. i liked to see what people were creating and to hear what they had to say about it. my mind starts racing and my heart beats faster at the thought of this night becoming my lifestyle. i feel like i waste a gift, given to me from god, to create. i think i have a lot to learn, and i’m not trying to be pompous when i say any of this. i don’t know how to visually convey the ideas in my head. but i need to allow myself to be left in a room and let my mind wonder. ok, this isn’t the point, the point is that not only do i need to create for that is how god wired me, but that i want to encourage others, i want to create a place for that creatively to naturally flow and it can be harnessed and expressed.
i was reading exodus and the story of bezelal and the building of the tabernacle is what originally sparked this flame within me. gosh its beautiful. but i didn’t intend for this post to be about that… focus. i just got this vision of having a place, a warehouse type thing i imagined, with different areas to inspire and to create. coffee is the starting point for all great work right? so to create a space to initiate ideas and to talk and inspire and bounce off ideas, colaborate.. couches, tables, desks to facilitate that. large tables to spread out in. an area to research, books, history books, poetry, music, art books, art hanging. and then i wanted an artists’ space for actual creation. blocked out spaces for artists to rent maybe, whatever the case, i would love to provide a space to give people the opportunity to start. to finish. to get past whatever cop out, excuse, or stumbling block that disallows them to use a gift, to tell a story, to illustrate their human experience.
anyway, moving is tough and i miss my friends. i value the community that i had there and the support provided. the growth they spurred, lessons learned. my family, i love them. i’ve never realized how much until i’ve moved away.
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