if you let your feelings go, its scary what you’ll find.
:update on the last post. make that eight episodes in the last 48 hours. and its totally worth it.:
tonight on my way home from small group i tried to praise god for closed doors. for those closed doors effectuate finding the right ones. i broke down. i’m not doing anything to pursue open doors. i’m like one of those guys from the end of luke nine- where they were like, ‘let me bury my father’ or ‘let me say farewell first.’ i cried out of sense of sadness and despair and then out of an anger that welled up contending, ‘what the hell are you waiting for?!?’ why am i waiting around for my life to start. i want to change the world. i have a holy discontent with being here. i drudge the everyday. i want to be doing something that makes a difference. i have nothing to show for the last couple months of my life. a lot of self pity and hanging on to the past. i’m so mad at myself. i stand waiting at the foot of closed doors hoping their comfort and familiarity will let me back in.
the tears really started pouring when i then came to, now what? this all sounds great, i’ve done a great job of pumping myself up. i can’t do anything till decemeber when i graduate. what do i do till then… what do i do then?
you give and take away. but my heart will choose to say. lord blessed be your name.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
found
in the last two days i've watched five episodes of lost. averaging about 43 minutes, this has easily wasted at least three and half hours of my life. with three more seasons to go, this will be multiplied ten fold. the question is, do i get out while i still can.
i, like the rest of the world, have a crush on jack. which gives me reason to continue. amoung others. but, my name is tainted. shannon being such an uncommon name, its super weird hearing your name said- esp. in such a frustrated manner. i.e. every time her brother says her name.
thats all i got.
i, like the rest of the world, have a crush on jack. which gives me reason to continue. amoung others. but, my name is tainted. shannon being such an uncommon name, its super weird hearing your name said- esp. in such a frustrated manner. i.e. every time her brother says her name.
thats all i got.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
the sun came up with no conclusion
one two, a one two three four.
i am an absolute failure. no really. i’m in good company though. jesus failed. i have found that there’s a couple of inevitables that jesus also dealt with. we differ in how we handle the corollaries. unlike him, i have allowed myself to be defined by these failures. to isolate myself. to live beneath who i am. i haven’t continued to do what i came to do. that’s the incongruity.
in the midst of a horribly failing relationship-- those are jesus’ words to judus. do what you came for.
jesus did everything right and relationships still went bad. relationships require two people to make right choices. jesus’ waterloo. i can’t control any one else’s decisions. their decision to hire me, love me, even like me. jesus watches every single relationship turn away from him for that same reason. the loving part, not the hiring part. he’s god and has the option to change that but deals with the continual devastation of love gone bad. but even still, he can not relate to the feeling of being alone. or living beneath himself. incongruity.
i am fully aware that god never promises anything to be easy. that’s been my on going soapbox, about everything. but i really have been striving to follow him and be honorable in the way i’m living. i’ve been more of a servant than i have my whole life. i’ve tried to be authentic in my love. been sacrificial. patient. honest. doing what i came for. and for what? to wind up unsatisfied with every result. in every way- vocationally, relationally, you name it. i've used this as an excuse to live beneath myself.
we have an obligation to live life in a way god wants us to. in a way the expresses gods design. to live the most honorable way that we can. we have absolute control over that. and only that.
we have received all from him, and i have absolutely nothing i can call my own. except sin. that means taking ownership of my humanity. for both my own failure and sin and for my gifts, talents, passions, intellect entrusted to me. being neutral does not protect me. it defines me. the slave given a talent which he in turn sat on was called wicked and lazy by his master. wicked.
theres nothing in the world stopping me from being the person He called me to be except for myself. it is the real christian's liberty and privilege to be employed as his redeemer's servant, in promoting his glory, and the good of his people: the love of christ constrains him to live no longer to himself, but to Him that died for him, and rose again. those who think it impossible to please god, and in vain to serve him, will do nothing to purpose in religion.
please pardon my seemingly half-time-esque pep talk that i'm delivering to myself. i forget far too easily. its good for my soul to have it archived.
i’ve failed. i don’t see the reason yet. but i trust i will. i can’t remember where i read this commentary, or what verse it was talking about. but something about a process (of making – something – that’s alluded to in the bible) that required burning that something in the fire until it reached a point where it would then clearly reflect light. but it didn’t start as a reflective material. whatever the case. that’s whats happening. and i’m sure one of my myriad of readers will be able to know what i’m talking about. sike.
I was a little girl alone in my little world
who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees,
and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,
and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
Now I'm old and feeling grey.
I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well,
there's many tales I've lived to tell.
I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.
i am an absolute failure. no really. i’m in good company though. jesus failed. i have found that there’s a couple of inevitables that jesus also dealt with. we differ in how we handle the corollaries. unlike him, i have allowed myself to be defined by these failures. to isolate myself. to live beneath who i am. i haven’t continued to do what i came to do. that’s the incongruity.
in the midst of a horribly failing relationship-- those are jesus’ words to judus. do what you came for.
jesus did everything right and relationships still went bad. relationships require two people to make right choices. jesus’ waterloo. i can’t control any one else’s decisions. their decision to hire me, love me, even like me. jesus watches every single relationship turn away from him for that same reason. the loving part, not the hiring part. he’s god and has the option to change that but deals with the continual devastation of love gone bad. but even still, he can not relate to the feeling of being alone. or living beneath himself. incongruity.
i am fully aware that god never promises anything to be easy. that’s been my on going soapbox, about everything. but i really have been striving to follow him and be honorable in the way i’m living. i’ve been more of a servant than i have my whole life. i’ve tried to be authentic in my love. been sacrificial. patient. honest. doing what i came for. and for what? to wind up unsatisfied with every result. in every way- vocationally, relationally, you name it. i've used this as an excuse to live beneath myself.
we have an obligation to live life in a way god wants us to. in a way the expresses gods design. to live the most honorable way that we can. we have absolute control over that. and only that.
we have received all from him, and i have absolutely nothing i can call my own. except sin. that means taking ownership of my humanity. for both my own failure and sin and for my gifts, talents, passions, intellect entrusted to me. being neutral does not protect me. it defines me. the slave given a talent which he in turn sat on was called wicked and lazy by his master. wicked.
theres nothing in the world stopping me from being the person He called me to be except for myself. it is the real christian's liberty and privilege to be employed as his redeemer's servant, in promoting his glory, and the good of his people: the love of christ constrains him to live no longer to himself, but to Him that died for him, and rose again. those who think it impossible to please god, and in vain to serve him, will do nothing to purpose in religion.
please pardon my seemingly half-time-esque pep talk that i'm delivering to myself. i forget far too easily. its good for my soul to have it archived.
i’ve failed. i don’t see the reason yet. but i trust i will. i can’t remember where i read this commentary, or what verse it was talking about. but something about a process (of making – something – that’s alluded to in the bible) that required burning that something in the fire until it reached a point where it would then clearly reflect light. but it didn’t start as a reflective material. whatever the case. that’s whats happening. and i’m sure one of my myriad of readers will be able to know what i’m talking about. sike.
I was a little girl alone in my little world
who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees,
and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,
and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
Now I'm old and feeling grey.
I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well,
there's many tales I've lived to tell.
I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
over under
i live in orlando circa now. over under--here's what i've been learning.
_its never a good idea in an interview to confirm to an employer that you are essentially everything they do not want in an employee.
_not everyone flosses after they brush their teeth. apparently there is not a consensus among dentists about flossing advice on before or after brushing.
_everything is raw material. everything is relevant. everything is usable.
_iron sharpening iron causes sparks. there’s necessary friction. always.
_god has breathed life into us. god's spirit is at the heart of action. the aliveness of god. the creating presence of god. i learned the verb 'create' from genesis 1 is used throughout the bible. the spirit not only created but creates. so my prayers lately have followed the lines of psalm 51:10, "create in me..."
_sometimes when you begin to talk about a crush, he suddenly walks into your office building. wind blowing through the hair, perfect outfit, abs contracted... and giggles inevitably burst without any attempts to restrain on my half.
_i really want to chase fall again. god was at the apex of creativity when he created leaves that change color.
_it doesn’t matter where you live- you can turn any venue or destination into a field trip. if you’re looking for beauty.
the end.
el fin.
_its never a good idea in an interview to confirm to an employer that you are essentially everything they do not want in an employee.
_not everyone flosses after they brush their teeth. apparently there is not a consensus among dentists about flossing advice on before or after brushing.
_everything is raw material. everything is relevant. everything is usable.
_iron sharpening iron causes sparks. there’s necessary friction. always.
_god has breathed life into us. god's spirit is at the heart of action. the aliveness of god. the creating presence of god. i learned the verb 'create' from genesis 1 is used throughout the bible. the spirit not only created but creates. so my prayers lately have followed the lines of psalm 51:10, "create in me..."
_sometimes when you begin to talk about a crush, he suddenly walks into your office building. wind blowing through the hair, perfect outfit, abs contracted... and giggles inevitably burst without any attempts to restrain on my half.
_i really want to chase fall again. god was at the apex of creativity when he created leaves that change color.
_it doesn’t matter where you live- you can turn any venue or destination into a field trip. if you’re looking for beauty.
the end.
el fin.
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