you give and take away

if you let your feelings go, its scary what you’ll find.

:update on the last post. make that eight episodes in the last 48 hours. and its totally worth it.:

tonight on my way home from small group i tried to praise god for closed doors. for those closed doors effectuate finding the right ones. i broke down. i’m not doing anything to pursue open doors. i’m like one of those guys from the end of luke nine- where they were like, ‘let me bury my father’ or ‘let me say farewell first.’ i cried out of sense of sadness and despair and then out of an anger that welled up contending, ‘what the hell are you waiting for?!?’ why am i waiting around for my life to start. i want to change the world. i have a holy discontent with being here. i drudge the everyday. i want to be doing something that makes a difference. i have nothing to show for the last couple months of my life. a lot of self pity and hanging on to the past. i’m so mad at myself. i stand waiting at the foot of closed doors hoping their comfort and familiarity will let me back in.

the tears really started pouring when i then came to, now what? this all sounds great, i’ve done a great job of pumping myself up. i can’t do anything till decemeber when i graduate. what do i do till then… what do i do then?

you give and take away. but my heart will choose to say. lord blessed be your name.