i’ve always been decent at faking it. i’ve learned to speak christianese and can look pretty blameless from the outside. not so with my mentor. shes such an amazing woman of god that she can see right through my phoniness. she asks questions i can’t answer. has relationship that is so rooted in reverence and love that she puts me to shame. i’m not looking at it as some kind of righteous competition, but i can’t cover up the fact that i skimmed through the reading right before i came or fake true excitement that comes from a overjoy of god’s goodness.
that’s challenging.
i love it. it didn’t take me long to realize that what worked in other settings was not successful with carolyn. conversations were dry, short, and one-sided. it was embarrassing. i felt like running away, calling in sick, but i reverted to the contrary. i read more thoroughly and slowly, and researched so that i could somehow keep up with her in conversation. that i could show the same excitement about god’s word and truth. i did what i said i was going to do. actually prayed for her prayer requests during the week. it worked. god showed up in my time with him. and conversations have been so rich since then, some of the best and most challenging conversations i’ve had in my life. wrestling together with verses, talking about struggles, and expressing our love and gratitude toward a holy god. the result of trying to impress carolyn is transforming my heart and i am now doing it because of god’s faithfulness. i love being truly in love with my god, and am in pursuit for the continuance of the relationship that's developed with god from the relationship with carolyn. not only because i just want to impress her anymore.
for me, this strengthens what i’ve thought and what i’ve had conversations about discipline. we have to get our bodies in the right place- no matter what it takes, for god to grab hold. god used carolyn for me. we often have to take those steps on our own to meet god. he’s been here the whole time. yes. but i think there has to be an unveiling of sorts, a stepping up to the plate, but even that involves some work on our part as we emerge from the dug out.
second thing on my heart right now:
i advise you and remind myself, that you should never devalue the worth of other people’s advice. people who love you and want the best for you can often see when your hurting yourself better than you can yourself. when you’re in it, temporary pleasure can cloud your vision. they remind you that some people never change and never will. they will remind you of your worth. how much god freaking adores you, and that you can rest easy with that knowledge. the rest is insignificant.
i want people in my life who challenge me. i want people in my life who tell me hard truths. who have my best interest in mind and conscious of the wellbeing of my heart. who listen. who have the unselfish god-like type of agape love for me. i want people in my life who remind me of my worth. remind me that god is doing beautiful things to my heart, loves me when i get it wrong sometimes, but that i am still valuable beyond measure.
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