nascent

check check one two.

in the past few years i’ve really enjoyed discovering who i am and what my past has molded me into. what may seem blatantly obvious has taken me years to uncover. previously content with who i was, not contested, not having any models, not knowing any other way… i floated along. but now i am challenged to be a captivating woman, and that longing has naturally progressed to this. i cringe at the declaration of maturing... but now this comprises of ‘introspective’ blog posts about these actualizations.

its comical.


i invite you into the places where i hide so that it might be harder for me to go back there.

people make me feel more alive. i never thought i was an extrovert. i have a tendency to retreat when i’m going through something. a genuine incapability to communicate. pride. trying to find the balance of keeping a composure in public but being allowed to be ‘not ok’ sometimes. i like to avoid all of that. defense mechanism. i thought i was an introvert because of this reality about myself. false.

i like having schemes when i’m eating. usually this involves saving the best for last. like eating the crust first. except in chicken sandwiches, in which case you save the best edge for last. good salad toppings: last. pop tarts have a very complex routine. desserts generally have a best case scenario for what bites taste best at certain points of the procedure. schemes collapse with breakfast foods. without exception, breakfast food tastes better hot. it then just becomes a matter of speed. true.

psalm 55:16-17 points to a beautiful truth. my women’s small group took on the, ‘snooze button reformation challenge,’ in which we are gleaning the truth of praying at certain times of the day and watching for god to show up. being silent to hear. and having fresh eyes to see. i eagerly anticipate the results and know god will be faithful. true.

nothing lately has been more gut retching, goose bump giving, and heart melting then catching tender glances. like the mom looking at her children. but maybe even more so, when i get the chance to see an older husband or wife look at their significant other with eyes that say, ‘i have chosen to love you every day through this crazy adventure of marriage and will continue to do so until the day i die. after all this time, you still hold the key to my heart and make it beat faster.’ the rest of the world fades away. i saw an older couple dancing to [less than par] jazz music. ok, flat out, everyone was actually pitying this couple that happened to be on the dance floor on accident when the bad set had started. but they did not hear one bad melody. one piercing note. one horrible lyric sang in a key too high. at least that’s what their eyes conveyed. sappy? true.

i redeem myself with the actualization that i value marriage too highly. this is by far not my original actualization, but agree that marriage is a lot of people’s attempt at intense community. marriage automatically, and more easily, satisfies the way we were meant to do life together. and our deep desires for that. americans really do have to work hard at intentional community but i believe everyone is substantially fulfilled by it. in different levels but overall, its in our design. i long to do life with people. marriage will accomplish that, but i’ve beginning to see that there’s more creative ways to achieve it. true.

i don’t want to have someone look at me in similar fashion one day. false.


nas·cent adj: 1. in the process of emerging, being born, or starting to develop.