Saturday, June 20, 2009
humbled.
i’m discovering how ugly my soul is when left to its own devices. i was overwhelmed in a worship set of an ordination service of all places by how much i suck. its astonishing how much i walk around assuming by default that i don’t suck. ‘i didn’t do anything blatantly wrong’ so… i must not suck. right? ….right? it’s a beautiful thing to be humbled by god. to finally catch a glimpse of his glory through my hardened heart. i’m really bad at loving people. i’m really good at pretending like i can. decent at talking and thinking about it. really good at judging other people for not. i’m really ugly on the inside.
moved.
moving to a new place. i’ve asked for it basically since i found out that part of growing up was moving out of your parent’s house. i used to make plans to grow up and move to california. never of course thinking of what i would do there to provide for myself, that was never apart my childhood dreams. passion for a beautiful place and new experience was enough for me to pick up and move everything. i can mark periods of my life by where i wanted to move. california, any of the ‘southern’ states, africa, boston for a while, seatlle for a brief period, portland for slightly longer. now that i’ve finally moved out of a twenty mile radius, i’ve realized that i’ve idealized moving to a new place. duh. i naturally try to stay within the confines of a child’s mind. worries get in the way of action.
i went to a ‘faith & art symposium’ tonight, the guy said at one point that artists have chosen to harness the creativity and imagination that children innately have. when left in a room, children will sing a song, draw, create, imagine and that we as artists tap into that. i really liked tonight. i liked being encouraged by people to create. i liked to see what people were creating and to hear what they had to say about it. my mind starts racing and my heart beats faster at the thought of this night becoming my lifestyle. i feel like i waste a gift, given to me from god, to create. i think i have a lot to learn, and i’m not trying to be pompous when i say any of this. i don’t know how to visually convey the ideas in my head. but i need to allow myself to be left in a room and let my mind wonder. ok, this isn’t the point, the point is that not only do i need to create for that is how god wired me, but that i want to encourage others, i want to create a place for that creatively to naturally flow and it can be harnessed and expressed.
i was reading exodus and the story of bezelal and the building of the tabernacle is what originally sparked this flame within me. gosh its beautiful. but i didn’t intend for this post to be about that… focus. i just got this vision of having a place, a warehouse type thing i imagined, with different areas to inspire and to create. coffee is the starting point for all great work right? so to create a space to initiate ideas and to talk and inspire and bounce off ideas, colaborate.. couches, tables, desks to facilitate that. large tables to spread out in. an area to research, books, history books, poetry, music, art books, art hanging. and then i wanted an artists’ space for actual creation. blocked out spaces for artists to rent maybe, whatever the case, i would love to provide a space to give people the opportunity to start. to finish. to get past whatever cop out, excuse, or stumbling block that disallows them to use a gift, to tell a story, to illustrate their human experience.
anyway, moving is tough and i miss my friends. i value the community that i had there and the support provided. the growth they spurred, lessons learned. my family, i love them. i’ve never realized how much until i’ve moved away.
i went to a ‘faith & art symposium’ tonight, the guy said at one point that artists have chosen to harness the creativity and imagination that children innately have. when left in a room, children will sing a song, draw, create, imagine and that we as artists tap into that. i really liked tonight. i liked being encouraged by people to create. i liked to see what people were creating and to hear what they had to say about it. my mind starts racing and my heart beats faster at the thought of this night becoming my lifestyle. i feel like i waste a gift, given to me from god, to create. i think i have a lot to learn, and i’m not trying to be pompous when i say any of this. i don’t know how to visually convey the ideas in my head. but i need to allow myself to be left in a room and let my mind wonder. ok, this isn’t the point, the point is that not only do i need to create for that is how god wired me, but that i want to encourage others, i want to create a place for that creatively to naturally flow and it can be harnessed and expressed.
i was reading exodus and the story of bezelal and the building of the tabernacle is what originally sparked this flame within me. gosh its beautiful. but i didn’t intend for this post to be about that… focus. i just got this vision of having a place, a warehouse type thing i imagined, with different areas to inspire and to create. coffee is the starting point for all great work right? so to create a space to initiate ideas and to talk and inspire and bounce off ideas, colaborate.. couches, tables, desks to facilitate that. large tables to spread out in. an area to research, books, history books, poetry, music, art books, art hanging. and then i wanted an artists’ space for actual creation. blocked out spaces for artists to rent maybe, whatever the case, i would love to provide a space to give people the opportunity to start. to finish. to get past whatever cop out, excuse, or stumbling block that disallows them to use a gift, to tell a story, to illustrate their human experience.
anyway, moving is tough and i miss my friends. i value the community that i had there and the support provided. the growth they spurred, lessons learned. my family, i love them. i’ve never realized how much until i’ve moved away.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
chains
i am thankful for people that give me tough love... bordering on violent love, but continue to speak truth into my life and remind me i matter most to the one who matters most. he is still chasing after me even when i keep straying. i feel like my life has been defined by a certain something for the past two years. a consistant weight on my shoulders, continually bringing me back to an unhealthy place, causing me be a person i don't want to be- made to feel worthless. not. true.
so glide away and so be healed
and promise not to promise anymore
and if you come around again,
i will not take the chain
from off the door
so glide away and so be healed
and promise not to promise anymore
and if you come around again,
i will not take the chain
from off the door
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
told you so
i've heard it said numerous times that once you get one tattoo, you'll want more. i want another, possibly on my other wrist. the more i research and find more meaning, the more i want it. crap.
i was struck when i heard matthew 5:48, "therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." the greek word for 'perfect' means 'finished, complete, having reached its end,' and implies being fully grown or mature.
grace is opposed to earning, but not opposed to effort. we must desire god's will so much that we seek to please him in every area of our lives-that is holiness. jesus says that god's law was never about mere rules but desires a complete righteousness of the heart, a total devotion to god's purposes in this world. thats part of becoming a disciple.
in the surrounding verses, theres a connection to the inability to be perfect apart from others. the bible links perfection with human relationships. christ urges us to be as perfect as our father in heaven and ties the process to how we treat each other. we cannot withdraw from people and still develop the necessary relationship skills, just as god never leaves us but continues to work with us. he is the one who works perfection in us.
in the verse, god becomes the standard of comparison and it suggests that jesus' instruction is exhortation, setting a goal, not assuming a state to which the hearers have already come. (the issue of whether any christian is perfect is irrelevant here. all of us can learn to better reflect god's character; at the same time, god promises us power to overcome any given temptation; and if we can overcome any temptation, we should choose to say no to every temptation.)
....but when we fail, we can fall back on grace. divine grace. god's gifts are gracious. they are unearned and unmerited by us who have willingly sinned against him, desecrated his beautiful creation and either ignored or neglected his awesome purpose. despite this, his gifts of life are nonetheless unforced, an abundant manifestation of his kind nature. he does not return evil for evil; he does not bear grudges, burn with resentment, or plot to get even. rather, he freely gives even to evil doers while he patiently works toward the completion... perfection... of his purpose.
the greek for 'perfect' is used two other times:
for we all stumble in many ways. and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. if we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. james 2:1-4 (uh, i think a great thing to be reminded of... with permanent ink)
jesus said to him, 'if you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.' matthew 19:21 (again, permanent ink would be helpful. in hopes it will be permanently on my heart)
and similar to genesis 17:1, and the hebrew for blameless: when abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to him and said, 'i am god almighty; walk before me and be blameless.'
i was struck when i heard matthew 5:48, "therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." the greek word for 'perfect' means 'finished, complete, having reached its end,' and implies being fully grown or mature.
grace is opposed to earning, but not opposed to effort. we must desire god's will so much that we seek to please him in every area of our lives-that is holiness. jesus says that god's law was never about mere rules but desires a complete righteousness of the heart, a total devotion to god's purposes in this world. thats part of becoming a disciple.
in the surrounding verses, theres a connection to the inability to be perfect apart from others. the bible links perfection with human relationships. christ urges us to be as perfect as our father in heaven and ties the process to how we treat each other. we cannot withdraw from people and still develop the necessary relationship skills, just as god never leaves us but continues to work with us. he is the one who works perfection in us.
in the verse, god becomes the standard of comparison and it suggests that jesus' instruction is exhortation, setting a goal, not assuming a state to which the hearers have already come. (the issue of whether any christian is perfect is irrelevant here. all of us can learn to better reflect god's character; at the same time, god promises us power to overcome any given temptation; and if we can overcome any temptation, we should choose to say no to every temptation.)
....but when we fail, we can fall back on grace. divine grace. god's gifts are gracious. they are unearned and unmerited by us who have willingly sinned against him, desecrated his beautiful creation and either ignored or neglected his awesome purpose. despite this, his gifts of life are nonetheless unforced, an abundant manifestation of his kind nature. he does not return evil for evil; he does not bear grudges, burn with resentment, or plot to get even. rather, he freely gives even to evil doers while he patiently works toward the completion... perfection... of his purpose.
the greek for 'perfect' is used two other times:
for we all stumble in many ways. and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. if we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. james 2:1-4 (uh, i think a great thing to be reminded of... with permanent ink)
jesus said to him, 'if you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.' matthew 19:21 (again, permanent ink would be helpful. in hopes it will be permanently on my heart)
and similar to genesis 17:1, and the hebrew for blameless: when abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to him and said, 'i am god almighty; walk before me and be blameless.'
top ten
reasons to move to seattle.
9. nature. mountains. redwoods. beautifulness.
8. outdoor activities. bike trails. hiking. camping. snow sports. water sports. trails galore.
7. seasons. cherry blossoms. no need to chase fall. snow. cold. pea coats. snow men. snowball fights. 
6. big city. big buildings. lights. nightlife. public transportation. fun nearby cities- notably, portland, vancouver, san fran... well, all of california via pch.
5. job opportunities. cotn and world vision headquarters. known as both the most highly educated and most literate city in the u.s. no state income tax. its #6 on top cities for singles: http://www.forbes.com/lists/2008/3/forbeslife-cx_singles08_Seattle_2396.html 
4. there's not many things i love more than the feeling of rain drops on my skin. rain boots. cute umbrellas. playing in puddles. 
3. culture. art school. real museums. the music scene. festivals (i.e. tulip festival!). coffee shops on every corner. 
2. mars hill. good teaching. new people. new community. new challenges- being named the most 'unchurched' city in the u.s.
1. it's not florida. 
10. (tie) change. new beginning. getting there via bike rides or road trips or planes. having friends visit.
9. nature. mountains. redwoods. beautifulness.8. outdoor activities. bike trails. hiking. camping. snow sports. water sports. trails galore.7. seasons. cherry blossoms. no need to chase fall. snow. cold. pea coats. snow men. snowball fights. 
6. big city. big buildings. lights. nightlife. public transportation. fun nearby cities- notably, portland, vancouver, san fran... well, all of california via pch.5. job opportunities. cotn and world vision headquarters. known as both the most highly educated and most literate city in the u.s. no state income tax. its #6 on top cities for singles: http://www.forbes.com/lists/2008/3/forbeslife-cx_singles08_Seattle_2396.html 4. there's not many things i love more than the feeling of rain drops on my skin. rain boots. cute umbrellas. playing in puddles. 3. culture. art school. real museums. the music scene. festivals (i.e. tulip festival!). coffee shops on every corner. 2. mars hill. good teaching. new people. new community. new challenges- being named the most 'unchurched' city in the u.s. 1. it's not florida. Friday, October 3, 2008
what have i done, that you did not repair
i have a new plan for my life and i’ve never been so excited about any other plan. so that’s been enough to preoccupy me from how much i’m dissatisfied with life right now. i questioned if its ‘unchristian’ to think like that but soon remembered that there are tons of verses resembling psalm 13--
how long, O LORD? will you forget me forever?
how long will you hide your face from me?
how long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
i find it very funny when people mistake you for someone else. today i was walking into a coffee shop and someone approached me about my job application, as it became apparent that he had mistaken me, his uneasiness also became increasingly apparent. my own discomfort would make me want to flee the scene, but he was the owner and couldn’t. i found it funny.
most tall girls are mistaken for the same person.
i realized a valuable thing about myself and control recently. i’ve been freaking out cause i feel like i have absolutely no control over any aspect of my life. i’ve been flailing around trying to grasp something, manipulate something, so that i could have at least one constant in my life. unsuccessful. entirely, pitifully, embarrassingly, unsuccessful.
what surprised me most about his realization is that i’m usually ok without having control. i’ve been very hands off in my life, dealing with whatever happened. i’ve prided myself on the ability to have faith in god’s plan. i’ve had it too easy in my life and have never been pushed to take control. i was never held responsible for my actions if i pseudo took control.
so, i’ve been ‘giving god control’ of my life in my christian walk, but never had to actually give anything. and now that i do, i don’t know how and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.
and that is what i’ve learned about myself. ah, self discovery.
how long, O LORD? will you forget me forever?
how long will you hide your face from me?
how long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
i find it very funny when people mistake you for someone else. today i was walking into a coffee shop and someone approached me about my job application, as it became apparent that he had mistaken me, his uneasiness also became increasingly apparent. my own discomfort would make me want to flee the scene, but he was the owner and couldn’t. i found it funny.
most tall girls are mistaken for the same person.
i realized a valuable thing about myself and control recently. i’ve been freaking out cause i feel like i have absolutely no control over any aspect of my life. i’ve been flailing around trying to grasp something, manipulate something, so that i could have at least one constant in my life. unsuccessful. entirely, pitifully, embarrassingly, unsuccessful.
what surprised me most about his realization is that i’m usually ok without having control. i’ve been very hands off in my life, dealing with whatever happened. i’ve prided myself on the ability to have faith in god’s plan. i’ve had it too easy in my life and have never been pushed to take control. i was never held responsible for my actions if i pseudo took control.
so, i’ve been ‘giving god control’ of my life in my christian walk, but never had to actually give anything. and now that i do, i don’t know how and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.
and that is what i’ve learned about myself. ah, self discovery.
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