i want to set the world on fire

i’m an all or nothing type of person. this isn’t a reiteration of whats been said about me having fleeting passions. its truth uncovered once again that i find sometimes true of my walk with god. something will ignite my fire and i’ll want to read my whole bible… in a day, read commentaries, theology, get podcasts, talk about god endlessly. but unfailingly, i will go back to my normal routine at best… but sadly sometimes it results in me not picking up my bible for days at a time, as i come crashing down from my high. the extremes and the time between each is truly satirical.

i’m rereading ‘irrestible revolution.’ it wreaks me. it makes me long to be the ‘all in’ type of christian i want to be. we should be. my soul aches to do something radical like sell all of my stuff and move overseas. to live in a community house. to just love people for a living. theres something in me who longs to truly change the world. to do something with whats been given to me. the book poses jesus meaning the stuff he said and i cant seem to let go of the verse mentioned in the book--‘very truly i tell you, all who have faith in me will do the works i have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because i am going to the father.’ john 14:12.

greater things.

than jesus?

“we pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. my god, you will say, if i do that my whole life will be ruined. how would i ever get on in the world?”

i am an all or nothing type of person to a fault. i know. i should find a healthy balance. and be moving at a maintainable speed in the positive direction… consistently. i realize there’s a way to be jesus to orlando right now. but it doesn’t seem like enough, so i get discouraged from even trying. that’s a lie from the pit of hell. (italicized implies deep southern accent).

but i still want to pack up and move overseas. tomorrow.

i want to set the world on fire
till its burning bright for you

a fickle lover

i'm a sluty kind of passionate person.

strengths and weaknesses. go.

hurricanes are ridiculous.

i want to see the world.

i need to get better at saving my money in order to do so.

i want to see china weifang kite fights.

lorna doone are my weakness.

aslan is breathtaking.

i want to be an olympian!

no hateration in this dancery

yesterday i was nannying and the littlest guy accidentally slammed shailee’s finger in the door. immediately she started screaming. upon hearing this, poor little guy immediately started screaming and crying ten fold. no doubt, it was derived in fear of punishment that ensues after basically all of their interactions. he is a violent little man and packs a lot of strength, unaware of his own capabilities or the consequences of his actions. anyway. this might seem like a stretch but romans 12 verse came to mind. ‘rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.’
i’m not good at fluffy language. not good at putting things gently. i haven’t experienced a lot of hard things in my life. i have trouble empathizing. sympathize well enough. but to be able to truly identify with and understand another person’s feelings or difficulties. to mourn. literally mourn when someone has had the crappiest week of their life. have so much compassion for a person that i could break out in genuine tears when i see someone upset. i fail.
at least i have found something to live up to.

jeremiah 2:13

youre the god of this city
youre the king of these people
youre the lord of this nation
youre the light in this darkness
youre the hope to the hopeless
youre the peace to the restless
there is no one like our God
greater things have yet to come
greater things are still to be done
in this city

things have not been going my way lately. its so discouraging. the things that i want most. have worked really hard for. the things i feel are right, have prayed a lot about, have a peace about… are just out of my reach. i’m doing everything i can to strive towards something that i feel i deserve and should be rewarded for. i’m realizing that’s not how god operates. duh. but it gets tricky when youre doing and wanting the things that you feel God would do and want, and what He would do and want for me.

after sunday’s service i went to the top of a parking garage downtown and cried out to God. i had my ipod on shuffle and after i had lamented, i sat and soaked up the beautiful sunset. oh it was glorious, i wish you could have seen it. ‘god of this city’ came on. at first i began applying it to the literal city before my eyes and the impact i could hope to have. i started to make it about the lost people in orlando and was praying for them. then i felt God whispering it to me… ‘greater things have yet to come. greater things are still to be done.

in you.’

i am humbled again to realize i am not god. i have no idea what’s best for me.

i don’t know how people get through things like this without the hope we have in Christ. constantly putting my hope in things that wont hold. and the lack of perspective God provides about suffering- that he is using it to change us and shape us and develop our character. the ways he answers prayer baffles me, his provision of manna- literally meaning ‘what is this’ … what the heck are you doing here God?? what will this lead to?? this would dishearten me to my core without hope. ‘surprised by hope’ says that hope for christians is not wishful thinking or blind optimism- it is the mode of knowing that new things are possible. that i can become new. at the moment of resurrection heaven was brought to earth. God is blind to my past sin. ah. i am new.

my idea of what’s best for me in this moment is going to be shadowed by the better plans God has in store. greater things are yet to come. i have hope for new things. for the continuation of my development as a new person. and placing my hope in the living water. water that doesn’t sit still, always filled with new possibilities. greater things are still to be done.

‘they had been seeing it as the long story of how God would redeem Israel from suffering but it was instead the story of how God would redeem Israel through suffering’

loch ness

i like adding ‘ness’ to words to justify them in my sentences that wouldn’t make sense otherwise.
no.
wait.
ness doesn’t ‘make sense’ regardless.

i got a tattoo.
wait.
what?

i’ve always wanted one but couldn’t decide what i wanted. i like words. in general. i would never want a design. the type of art i like doesn’t translate well to tattoos. sorry if i offend. but in general, i think most tattoos have a tendency to look cheesy and cartoony.

so on one random day last week i randomly landed on the greek word charis, which literally means, “that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness.” one shouldn't act out of peer pressure in these situations, pick the first cool word that looks kinda cool in some kind of cool language that doesn't necessarily have any meaning to me other than it somewhat pertains to the bible and the time period. i don't think i totally thought it through. wait. i know i didn't.

i don’t fully yet know the meaning of my tattoo. which has proved embarrassing on several occasions in its short lifespan. true or false: i told someone the language it was written in incorrectly. true. its not hebrew. and i fail to adequately recite the literal translation. which is beautiful in and of itself. not true when i fumble through it recalling, ‘something about joy and loveliness and grace…ness’

i seem to have confused the order, because its only after i’ve permanently embossed my wrist that i’ve begun mulling over these words and discovering what grace really means to me. ordinary people might see the importance of extensive research and thought prior to putting something permanent on his or her body. not how i operate.

grace has been a huge part of my life. its what orginally captured my heart. that i, the epitome of a selfish sinful brat, was trying (terribly unsuccessfully) to find some kind of lasting joy and escape from the path i was on. an otherwise hopeless situation, grace upset my human notion about merit, about what i deserved, and what is due as recompense. i was a prodigal daughter who lavishly lived my life with no consideration of anything or one and did (and do) not deserve a thing, but turned to a Father who welcomed me handsomely, lavishly pouring love and grace on me. and since then i’ve been on a path of merciful restoration.

i feel like that is the literal and obvious translation for grace-- that it describes the means by which humans are saved from the original sin, died for, and granted salvation. but i think what i want to remember when i look at my tattoo is the empowering presence in my life that continually works to enable me to do and be what i was created to do and be. i like the definition of divine grace as, ‘an indispensable gift from God for development, improvement, and character expansion.’ without God's grace, there are certain limitations, weaknesses, flaws, impurities, and faults humankind cannot overcome. at the same time i do not disregard the meaningful, more broad reference of God's gifts to humankind, including life, creation, and salvation. i do not want to ever forget the moment i allowed for His lavishing of grace upon me, but more so see it as a perpetual bestowing of gifts i do not deserve yet ceaselessly depend on.

to become the type of person that can change the world.

in turn providing me delight. loveliness. joy.

finally. i watched an amazing movie that made me want... a male fallen star?
[this is quote from a star, reincarnated into a girl...]
“You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.”

stardust. watch it. now.

a rant.

theres nothing i love more than finding little secrets of a city. probably not so secret, but i recently discovered a fabulous cupcake shop as well as a fabulous book store. i think i might find my life's worth if i were to open a little gem of my own. filled with hand made things and art, books, good coffee, comfy seats. hmm. yes. that is a dream. i have come to love drunken monkey and its unique touches. not to mention their delicious treats. i've been in there everyday basically and i hope i don't start getting dirty looks as they notice my trend of taking the best seat next to the outlets.

on that note! people need to take better notice to other people's stares. if you are being unpleasantly loud in a quiet place when people are clearly trying to read, write, or enjoy their own conversations, please take notice of people continually turning around and staring at you. the look doesn't imply that one likes your outfit or that he or she would necessarily want to hear what you're saying... glaring eyes and an unpleasant smirks generally request a softer voice. they must have missed the memo that was sent to the human race. harsh? maybe. but i will be alert and considerate of drunken monkey patrons' looks to be sure.

sweet mercies fall from heaven

i’ve always been decent at faking it. i’ve learned to speak christianese and can look pretty blameless from the outside. not so with my mentor. shes such an amazing woman of god that she can see right through my phoniness. she asks questions i can’t answer. has relationship that is so rooted in reverence and love that she puts me to shame. i’m not looking at it as some kind of righteous competition, but i can’t cover up the fact that i skimmed through the reading right before i came or fake true excitement that comes from a overjoy of god’s goodness.

that’s challenging.

i love it. it didn’t take me long to realize that what worked in other settings was not successful with carolyn. conversations were dry, short, and one-sided. it was embarrassing. i felt like running away, calling in sick, but i reverted to the contrary. i read more thoroughly and slowly, and researched so that i could somehow keep up with her in conversation. that i could show the same excitement about god’s word and truth. i did what i said i was going to do. actually prayed for her prayer requests during the week. it worked. god showed up in my time with him. and conversations have been so rich since then, some of the best and most challenging conversations i’ve had in my life. wrestling together with verses, talking about struggles, and expressing our love and gratitude toward a holy god. the result of trying to impress carolyn is transforming my heart and i am now doing it because of god’s faithfulness. i love being truly in love with my god, and am in pursuit for the continuance of the relationship that's developed with god from the relationship with carolyn. not only because i just want to impress her anymore.

for me, this strengthens what i’ve thought and what i’ve had conversations about discipline. we have to get our bodies in the right place- no matter what it takes, for god to grab hold. god used carolyn for me. we often have to take those steps on our own to meet god. he’s been here the whole time. yes. but i think there has to be an unveiling of sorts, a stepping up to the plate, but even that involves some work on our part as we emerge from the dug out.

second thing on my heart right now:
i advise you and remind myself, that you should never devalue the worth of other people’s advice. people who love you and want the best for you can often see when your hurting yourself better than you can yourself. when you’re in it, temporary pleasure can cloud your vision. they remind you that some people never change and never will. they will remind you of your worth. how much god freaking adores you, and that you can rest easy with that knowledge. the rest is insignificant.

i want people in my life who challenge me. i want people in my life who tell me hard truths. who have my best interest in mind and conscious of the wellbeing of my heart. who listen. who have the unselfish god-like type of agape love for me. i want people in my life who remind me of my worth. remind me that god is doing beautiful things to my heart, loves me when i get it wrong sometimes, but that i am still valuable beyond measure.