my previous entry was intended to be a catalyst for me to start writing my thoughts down throughout lent. i placed the dominos too far away from each other. chain reaction failure.
being vegan is hard but my innards appreciate my efforts. there was one week where i worked 50 something hours and the last thing i wanted to do was think about food alternatives, so i caved. it's so unsatisfying. everything in me screams, "this is such a good idea! it will taste so good. be so much easier." i'm wrong every time. i see with fresh eyes how imperfect i am, shocking i know. but gracious, it's not about my effort, not about how good i can be, how much i can deny myself. in my complaints and giving in, i have been praising him so much cause i would be doomed to hell within 24 hours, if that, if not for grace. i need him. every minute.
this, amoung other things, has made me feel like such a little kid lately. sticky hands and drool faced, kicking and screaming against life. except i have the knowledge and reason of a twenty three year old. so i'm having these fits and all the while saying, "shannon, you're being ridiculous right now. you know if you get what you're asking for, you'll be terribly unhappy." i'm begging for wisdom and direction and answers and i get a hint of it and i say, "uh huh, don't want that responsibility, that's too much to ask of me, i can't. i'd rather be unhappily comfortable. thanks anyway."
it's a battle against inadequacy and fear. and again, through my tears and kicks and screams and a tantrum that ranks up there with the spoiledest of kids, i hear god saying to me...
"i like when i get to see who you really are, when you shed the layers of pride and pretense that have protected you all these years. please, i beg, let those dead layers come undone; let them hold you no longer! shake them off, bury them deep, deep down in the dirt.
"i invite you to come and to live; to really live. open your heart and stare at your beating flesh. pound your chest- see that after all this time you can still feel. come and listen; know the things that you have not yet known. be afraid no more. friend, be afraid no more. let yourself be seen- not in good lighting or in premeditated glimpses, but in fullness and even in failure. oh to be human, the fragility of it all!
"postulate yourself in honesty, in humility. won’t you join the rest of humanity?
"come and dance and sing this mysterious song with me. put it all on the line, as you have wished to do for some time. spring is coming, let new life be seen. let yourself love and be loved, for it is the only thing that matters."
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