human beings were made not only to believe in god abstractly but to love him supremely, center their lives on him, and build their identities on him. the first commandment, to not have any other gods before him, defines sin as making good things into ultimate things. seeking something else more central to your significance, purpose, and happiness than your relationship with god.
no human relationship can bear this burden of godhood, if your partner is your ‘all’ then any shortcoming in him becomes a major threat to you. in the other person we hope to ride ourselves of our feeling of nothingness, to know our existence has not been vain. we want redemption. needless to say, humans cannot give this.
only if your identity is built on god and his love can you have a self that can venture anything, face anything.
paraphrased bits i learned from tim keller and ernest becker. these words gave me yet another ‘ah ha’ moment. intercedes to illuminate my dark places. i feel so free. this time i feel like these shimmers of elucidation are to foster my heart and mind for something else. as a preventative measure. god whispering, 'this is not the way, follow me.' i might easily confuse this with a way to make foregoing things better. to hold on. but its preterpluperfect. and i'm more than ok with that. finally.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
more than morpheme
this is far too much paint for one to have without actually painting. i have a series in mind that i want to do. and so i will. everyday. for at least an hour. willing to make some mistakes.
one interesting thought that someone pointed out to me about being equally yoked.. i had always seen that being applied to strictly not yoking yourself to an unchristian, if you are a christian. but not as the caliber of christians dating other christians. i can’t expect some amazing man of god to want to be with me if i’m not trying to be the type of woman deserving of that. my yoke does not reach such heights.
Monday, August 17, 2009
brim of utterance
i was riding my bike and almost crashed. it’s weird going from a fixed to a geared bike. i went to brake and push back on the pedals to find that i only coasted. luckily drivers were paying attention this morning.
i had the thought when i felt sweat start to drip due to the brutish florida sun, inattentive and injudicious that the morning hours are reserved for the coolness of day. i saw a woman walking with an umbrella to block the sun, and from the depths of my memory i thought of wearing one of those umbrella hats. my dad is a huge proponent of function over form, the horror of an adolescent girl who walks through those days with, ‘dad! you’re embarrassing me’ at the tip of her tongue. i remember we were at the atlanta olympics, which made me about ten, on the cusp of knowing what was cool and what was very very uncool. dad had already wrecked my image by making us ride our bikes around and being completely unscrupulous scalping for tickets… to events like fencing and boxing nonetheless. all this to say, we bought umbrella hats for the occasion that he thought were man’s best invention at the time. and i remember being horrifyingly humbled at a tennis match where i refused to wear the stupid hat for at least half the match until my face was sunburned and my clothes drenched in sweat, i longed for the shade that the umbrella offered. dad would be so proud if i wore one when riding my bike around lake mary i think.
god is relentless, his love remorseless, he wants our salvation with the determination due its importance. in the past weeks i've asked for a prayerful heart and, the lord striped away the props that i leaned on; for a humble heart, and he gave me humiliations; an increase of faith, he striped me of the safety that i’d identified with faith. i prayed not really believing, or thinking i knew how he would answer me. i shouldn't be shocked at the way he answered me- i gave him a little room to move, and he did. it's no wonder he made that day on the tennis court so blistering hot.
i’ve read that the first conversion is generally characterized by joy and enthusiasm and filled with felt alleviation and a profound sense of god’s presence, the second is marked by dryness, barrenness, desolation, and a profound sense of god’s absence. shamefully i think this might make my third or fourth ‘conversion’ but its an indispensable stage of spiritual growth. a grim realization and acceptance of the fact that i am totally dependent upon god’s love and mercy. he emptied me so that i could become humble and detached, knowing that he hasn’t deserted me but removed obstacles keeping me from a deeper union. without such there could be no movement in love. there is no cheap grace. these only dispose us to prayer, humility, and faith, not just an excuse to wallow in the suffering, self-pity, rebellion, pride or apathy that catenates.
i had the thought when i felt sweat start to drip due to the brutish florida sun, inattentive and injudicious that the morning hours are reserved for the coolness of day. i saw a woman walking with an umbrella to block the sun, and from the depths of my memory i thought of wearing one of those umbrella hats. my dad is a huge proponent of function over form, the horror of an adolescent girl who walks through those days with, ‘dad! you’re embarrassing me’ at the tip of her tongue. i remember we were at the atlanta olympics, which made me about ten, on the cusp of knowing what was cool and what was very very uncool. dad had already wrecked my image by making us ride our bikes around and being completely unscrupulous scalping for tickets… to events like fencing and boxing nonetheless. all this to say, we bought umbrella hats for the occasion that he thought were man’s best invention at the time. and i remember being horrifyingly humbled at a tennis match where i refused to wear the stupid hat for at least half the match until my face was sunburned and my clothes drenched in sweat, i longed for the shade that the umbrella offered. dad would be so proud if i wore one when riding my bike around lake mary i think.
god is relentless, his love remorseless, he wants our salvation with the determination due its importance. in the past weeks i've asked for a prayerful heart and, the lord striped away the props that i leaned on; for a humble heart, and he gave me humiliations; an increase of faith, he striped me of the safety that i’d identified with faith. i prayed not really believing, or thinking i knew how he would answer me. i shouldn't be shocked at the way he answered me- i gave him a little room to move, and he did. it's no wonder he made that day on the tennis court so blistering hot.
i’ve read that the first conversion is generally characterized by joy and enthusiasm and filled with felt alleviation and a profound sense of god’s presence, the second is marked by dryness, barrenness, desolation, and a profound sense of god’s absence. shamefully i think this might make my third or fourth ‘conversion’ but its an indispensable stage of spiritual growth. a grim realization and acceptance of the fact that i am totally dependent upon god’s love and mercy. he emptied me so that i could become humble and detached, knowing that he hasn’t deserted me but removed obstacles keeping me from a deeper union. without such there could be no movement in love. there is no cheap grace. these only dispose us to prayer, humility, and faith, not just an excuse to wallow in the suffering, self-pity, rebellion, pride or apathy that catenates.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
day two
someone invited me to go overseas long-term with a small group of people that i really really admire. my immediate response is to jump on board. is it because i'm running away. is because it's easy. because i'm impatient. i semi-impulsively moved away before, thinking it would be best for me without giving it a second thought. and now i'm back. i don't want to do that again. i don't even know how to sort out my feelings and what god would want.
christine, sally and i were walking in the mall and saw this hurricane experience thing and were to far too intrigued to pass it up. but not quite stupid enough to pay two dollars for it. we ended up sitting in near-by la.z.boys and waited for someone else who was slightly more intrigued to risk the two dollars. or a child who could convince a parent to rob a bank with the right facial expression, tears, or bat of an eye. success. it turned out to just blow wind at the kid for 10 seconds. his assessment, 'my eyes hurt.'
christine, sally and i were walking in the mall and saw this hurricane experience thing and were to far too intrigued to pass it up. but not quite stupid enough to pay two dollars for it. we ended up sitting in near-by la.z.boys and waited for someone else who was slightly more intrigued to risk the two dollars. or a child who could convince a parent to rob a bank with the right facial expression, tears, or bat of an eye. success. it turned out to just blow wind at the kid for 10 seconds. his assessment, 'my eyes hurt.'
Saturday, August 15, 2009
dulcinea
'the signature of jesus' is helping me sort through some things that have happened in the past couple months. speaking straight to my heart. i'm not sure what will happen in the future, and if i'll be given a chance to redeem myself. or if these lessons are to be learned for someone else. i think too much trust has been lost and a desire to move on might be weighing too heavily. regardless, these need to be apart of who i am, always, i cannot be 'successful' otherwise. four things that i can pinpoint that i was lacking... not the only things, but what i identify with so far in the book. these are basically taken straight from it but i couldn't otherwise express with clarity my deficiencies like he does.
one.
the early church was built on small groups of people who came together to support one another in a whole new way of life. these communities should be small enough for intimacy, kindred enough for acceptance, and gentle enough for criticism. egos will collide, personalities conflict, power-brokers intrude, anger and resentment surface, risk is inevitable. there can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability, there can be no peace and ultimately no life, without community.
two.
the question at the last judgment was ‘how did you respond to needy brothers and sisters?’ he expects humble apprenticeship and serving love. 'whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' -matthew 25:40. i was convicted of this a little while back in deuteronomy where serving is closely tied with the greatest commandment. you can't separate the two. i lacked that in atlanta and it was detrimental.
three.
"the gentleness of jesus with sinners flowed from his ability to read their hearts and to detect the sincerity and goodness there. behind men’s grumpiest poses and most puzzling defense mechanisms, behind their arrogance and airs, behind their silence, sneers, and curses, jesus saw little children who hadn’t been loved enough and had ceased growing because someone had ceased believing in them." i had forgotten that jesus does that to me and that i should do that to others.
manning uses the story of alonsa (don quixote) and aldonza, a tramp. in delusion alonso treats aldonza as an aristocrat. he calls her "dulcinea," my lady, my sweet little one. this awakens something in her she thought she could never be. she had been dead, frozen, immune to human emotion. but she began to believe that she was dulcinea. we have a powerful impact on others.
four.
"self hatred is an indecent luxury that no disciple can afford. it subtly reestablishes me as the center of my focus and concern. biblically this is idolatry. any spirituality that does not lead from a self-centered to an other-centered mode of existence is bankrupt."
dang manning. dang.
one.
the early church was built on small groups of people who came together to support one another in a whole new way of life. these communities should be small enough for intimacy, kindred enough for acceptance, and gentle enough for criticism. egos will collide, personalities conflict, power-brokers intrude, anger and resentment surface, risk is inevitable. there can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability, there can be no peace and ultimately no life, without community.
two.
the question at the last judgment was ‘how did you respond to needy brothers and sisters?’ he expects humble apprenticeship and serving love. 'whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' -matthew 25:40. i was convicted of this a little while back in deuteronomy where serving is closely tied with the greatest commandment. you can't separate the two. i lacked that in atlanta and it was detrimental.
three.
"the gentleness of jesus with sinners flowed from his ability to read their hearts and to detect the sincerity and goodness there. behind men’s grumpiest poses and most puzzling defense mechanisms, behind their arrogance and airs, behind their silence, sneers, and curses, jesus saw little children who hadn’t been loved enough and had ceased growing because someone had ceased believing in them." i had forgotten that jesus does that to me and that i should do that to others.
manning uses the story of alonsa (don quixote) and aldonza, a tramp. in delusion alonso treats aldonza as an aristocrat. he calls her "dulcinea," my lady, my sweet little one. this awakens something in her she thought she could never be. she had been dead, frozen, immune to human emotion. but she began to believe that she was dulcinea. we have a powerful impact on others.
four.
"self hatred is an indecent luxury that no disciple can afford. it subtly reestablishes me as the center of my focus and concern. biblically this is idolatry. any spirituality that does not lead from a self-centered to an other-centered mode of existence is bankrupt."
dang manning. dang.
Friday, August 14, 2009
one more post for today
i have a lot on my mind..
i have been overwhelmed with support and love in the two days that i've been heading back to florida. it really is a beautiful picture of the body of christ. they remind that i'm going to be alright and that i am loved. they also seem to all be on my side. i feel right. i feel justified in my anger. i feel stubborn.
i have promised and intend on seeking god passionately so as to hear his voice on this whole matter. i want to be guided by him. i want to decide and respond with a clear conscience that he is directing me. i've gotten a little boost and reassurance from people that some things i think are true and they agree with me and thats its biblical. i write this to keep myself accountable and to remember that my friends who i deeply love and who are being really great friends do not know whats ultimately best for me. i need gods directing and rebuking and truth above all.
i have been overwhelmed with support and love in the two days that i've been heading back to florida. it really is a beautiful picture of the body of christ. they remind that i'm going to be alright and that i am loved. they also seem to all be on my side. i feel right. i feel justified in my anger. i feel stubborn.
i have promised and intend on seeking god passionately so as to hear his voice on this whole matter. i want to be guided by him. i want to decide and respond with a clear conscience that he is directing me. i've gotten a little boost and reassurance from people that some things i think are true and they agree with me and thats its biblical. i write this to keep myself accountable and to remember that my friends who i deeply love and who are being really great friends do not know whats ultimately best for me. i need gods directing and rebuking and truth above all.
perhaps this is the essence of faith: to be convinced of the reliability of god
throughout his life jesus' words were never those of blaming and shaming, accusing and condemning, threatening, bribing, and labeling. nor should mine. only when we claim the love of christ with heartfelt conviction, this love that transcends all judgments, can we overcome all fear of judgment. as long as we continue to live as if we are what we do, as if we are what we have, and as if we are what other people think about us, we will remain filled with judgments, opinions, evaluations, and condemnations. we will remain addicted to the need to put people in their place.
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