reiterate

you provoked the lord to wrath.. you did not believe.. you did not obey his voice.. you are a stubborn people.. the lord wanted to destroy you.. he was angry with you.. you have been rebellious against the lord from the day that I knew you. 

that's just taken from one chapter in deuteronomy. it's throughout the whole story of israel's exodus. why then are these his choosen people?

it gives me comfort that we are failures. god knows that about us, his choosen people are people that disappointed him. why did he make it that way.

i don't know if this is related to israel's sin but surely part of it. i get most upset at people when i have preconcieved notions of how the person should act, what they should do, or what they should say. i get upset in the moment that they're not being my puppet, and they have no clue what just happened.  

hypothetically. when i'm driving over to someones house to pick something up and i'm thinking innocently, oh i could go in and grab something else and give them some music that they've been wanting while i'm there. but then, heaven forbid, they come out and give me the thing i came for and i get upset. like they somehow knew the plan i'd come up with in the five minutes after getting off the phone, and maliciously went against it. i never communicate that i have an idea, can i come in real quick, just become defeated and silent, crushed. what? that's absolutely ridiculous. it happens so fast, i don't realize till after. 

i pray for communication skills. 

the people of israel can certainly relate in their false or selfish expectations from god. they thought the had their journey all figured out. and surely i do that to god and, altough not examined by moses, surely they dealt with selfish expectations of others in everyday life. it's got to be a condition of the human heart.  

we think we're right. all the time. we know the best way for things to play out. surely.    

i pray for humility.

responsibility

it's really hard to play hostess. my brother and his girlfriend are in town and i feel pressure to make sure every minute of their day is exciting and jam-packed. but i don't know anything about atlanta. its exhausting. i'm definitely enjoying seeing them and spending time with them. but i just wish i didn't feel the pressure. like when you are the one throwing the party and you can't relax and enjoy it cause you feel responsible to make sure its a good party. the end.

quirks

i hate taking things out of the shower. i have so many empty or nearly empty bottles that i'm too lazy to take out. i always forget until i get back in the shower and then by the end, i forget. something that i don't forget: tracking numbers. as soon as i get the confirmation email, i'm checking to see where the package's home was and when the expected arrival date is. i love the technology of arrival and departure scans that enables you know the exact the path of your package. i get really excited for the 'out for delivery' notice, ok? geez. don't judge me.

some times

sometimes when i see people with their bible open or when i hear people talking about god i get the urge to encourage them. i want to yell, 'i'm on your side!' 'i believe!' it's completely impulsive. and completely ridiculous. maybe because it sometimes feels like your up against so much resentment that it just would feel nice knowing that your not alone. i wonder how people would respond.

today i had a conversation that i didn't really expect anything from. i was just wasting time before my shift started, not looking for conversation, actually not really wanting to talk at all. but one of our regulars wound up teaching me things about a passage in deuteronomy that were really interesting and well-informed. he mentioned something that stuck with me. when i asked him where he learned all of it he said that he grew up a christian but his mom was kinda the spirital leader, and since he's realized the adverse affects he has a personal mandate to be the spiritual leader. and to take that seriously. why is it my nature to expect the worst out of people. this young, attractive, college kid, baseball player, 40% tipper who comes in everyday is teaching me beautiful things and is taking something seriously that god laid on his heart. i guess the world is jading and i come to expect the worst. expect that there aren't many people loving christ and so i get overly excited when i see them publicly worshiping and lift them up to the status of preacher. also an ugly character of my heart to think that people don't have anything to offer me. i need to learn more from other people's experiences. they are valuable.

i noticed today that when i looked at the clock and it said 8:30, i finally just took it for 8:30. i wasn't looking at where the sun was, figuring out what time it would be before the switch, calculating what time it would get dark now, ya know regular compulsive type stuff. so now i will have to wait till 'fall back' daylight savings before i can start looking at the time and thinking about the way things used to be at that same 'time.' i am free. free indeed.

literally

i'm leaving atlanta in less than a week. i can't help but to feel like a failure. it was too good to be true. too good to live up to.

i've finally made it to the last book of the torah writing the bible. deuteronomy is beautiful. its like the 'the best of, moses edition.' a summary of the best parts of the previous 4 books. i've learned so much in six chapters. bullet points for simplification.
_1:21 "Go up, take possession, as the Lord, the God of your fathers has told you. Do not fear or be dismayed." I need to hear that in this period of change in my life.
_3:22 "you shall not fear them, for it is the Lord your God who fights for you." amen. amen.
_5:17 "you shall not murder" in the margins i read the the hebrew word for murder also covers causing human death through carelessness or negligence. that's quite different. i hate watching the news, i choose to be ignorant. am i a murderer?
_6:5 the greatest command.. you shall love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all you soul and with all your might. and those words shall be on my heart. they should be apart of who i am reaching and flowing into every other part of my body. i've been thinking a lot about what that's supposed to look like.

i don't understand how marriages function. once you get past the cat and mouse game and several months later after you got em, when the fireworks and glitter fade, you realize you're stuck with a sinner. all that excitement of finding someone new, someone attractive, someone you can have fun with.. you realize that the person has flaws. how in this world can we learn to be selfless enough to love another sinner completely. sin is ugly. all of it. there's no way around it. i can't possibly believe that one person's sin is uglier than another's and you get all of it, all. of. it. when you marry someone. incomprehensible.

as i'm writing this a song came on with a line, 'i feel like everything's about to change. it's real. things will never be the same.' i felt butterflies and excitement and optimism when i heard this song a couple months ago. and now as i listen to it now, i'm terrified. how am i in this place again. gosh, i'm such a downer but i'm working under the assumption that no one is reading this. but something's about to change and i have no idea what. a few months ago i was promised such beautiful things. and now its changing. how did i let you do this to me again.

a friend told me that i'm in god's hands, within in his protection, i literally can't fail. god doesn't fail.

literally is the coolest word to say in a british accent. try it. aloud.

woe is me.

i think i might move back to florida. i think that i'm excited about it. you know whats hard... i'm so torn at being present here and living in the past. i want so bad to plant my feet and love a city, but also don't want to lose past relationships. i'm so bad at keeping in touch, mostly default to, 'out of sight, out of mind.' but i geniunely care about the people in orlando and other folks from my past living in different cities. its like if i fully choose to love this city, it would leave no room for past people. and even so, its hard when you're not present to really maintain that long-distance and not be able to love them in the everyday. i have no excuse because for whatever reason i havent felt like i ever wanted to invest in atlanta. i miss my community in orlando. i miss letting myself be loved and loving people.

listen. repeat.

gosh. i hate being a woman. i hate being weak. i hate being fed lies. i hate that i believe them. as a woman i believe that i’m not worthy. it affects everything. especially in areas that i’m already weak. like in communication. i can’t ask for anything and am scared to say what i want to people i care about most. there are so many other things vying for people’s attention and its hard for me to believe that i am worth people’s attention. i am worth people’s time. those other things, those forms of technology or other friends or whatever… 'they’re all better than me.' i am deeply jealous. but they're lies. the truth is that i am loved by the creator of the universe. he is jealous. he wants my heart.

i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe.