goosebumps of the supernatural sort

boy! we made such a mess together

2010-11-21T21:40:00.006-05:00

saturday morning. after five days of being raped of all energy and left without a single thought of my own, five nights of being unable to add to any conversation past 6:00 when i get off work… i get to sit. i choose a coffee shop that you wouldn't be caught dead in, coffee is on the list of things that you judge other people for consuming. but i like this place and light floods in from the wall of windows that face east, erasing last night's sins and making the space feel light.

i text you and i order my latte, the one you would make fun of me for. you're not him, but you're comfortable and you fill my time well. we don't have to say or do much, which feels ok, for the rest of my life exhausts me; and that serves as a pretty good excuse to keep a safe distance. you don't really seem to want to do the things i want to do anyway. photo adventures aren't quite as exciting, baseball games completely uninteresting, and i don't want to go to another bike shop, don't want to watch another movie, don't want to listen to the type of music you prefer to play. but you fit nicely around me when i turn away from you and get in a fetal position. sometimes i get the courage to show you glimpses of my heart but get the feeling that you don't understand me fully anyway, can't navigate through my fumbled words, can't finish my sentences like he could. but thats ok, when conversation isn't as fluid or seems too risky, i can shut down, turn my back to you, pull my knees up to my chest. you seem to understand. so we exist, and your lips are soft on my back.

i take my overpriced stimulus to a carefully picked table but as fate would have it, a group of pharmacy students chooses a table next to me in an otherwise large, empty room and quiz each other on pharmacy terms i'm familiar with. suddenly, abruptly and inconsiderate as always, he barges into my peaceful morning. unwelcomed, he haunts me in bookstores, in songs, restaurants, movies, sports statistics, in memories that still take up so much space of my brain, memories that fill multiple cities. shoving nostalgia down my throat. regularly feeling like a multitude of expectant tears could break free on his cue. i can't see his model of car without looking at the driver to see if he's in town. if i'm in his city, i can't help to hope that i'll randomly run into him. eyes constantly scanning. sure to be wearing something he would like, hair worn in a way that would catch his eye. going to places i know that he frequents.

i get put on auto-pilot and can't control my thoughts or actions, why is he still holding my heart and thoughts hostage? as he moves through life unaffected, what's in it for him? is this some kind of joke? i want my heart back. i handed it to him blindly because he asked for it, but i want it all back. mostly, i want my idealism and hope in love back. i want to believe that the beautiful ceremony of christ to his bride can be experienced by humans, and that the moments of reflecting christ's love to each other can outweigh the times we don't. that the intimacy of sex is something to be saved for one sacred relationship and that it all means something. that we won't always give up on each other. that the nice things you say to me aren't lies and are free from selfish motives. that you are capable of grace and patience, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness. i want light and redemption to invade my heart and erase our sins, i want to feel free from him. free from the bitterness and cynicism. i don't want you to be him. i don't want you to give up on me.

he gave up on me, and for now i give up on love. in practice it just doesn't work. we will always fail. that's gospel.

i take a sip of my drink and roll my eyes at your judgement from afar. but you're really quite alluring if i'm honest. i love the way the way you see the world, it's against the norm and refreshing. you are doing beautiful things with your life, living out of convictions and passions and not leaving it up to someone else to change the world. and i really do believe you are changing the lives of the people around you and the city we live in. we want to change a lot of the same parts of people's worlds, in the same way. the same things make our hearts beat faster, we shed tears for the same injustices. you're so talented and are determined to live a creative life, passionate about the way music has changed the trajectory of your life. you are one of the most unselfish, generous people i've ever met. you seek truth boldly and don't settle for easy answers. money is secondary, actually, last on the list and you fight that idol effortlessly. you make me laugh like few others can. your imagination rivals that of a child unfettered by the hard realities of adulthood. i see myself in you; parts of myself i like and want to be and appreciate and respect the ways that you are different. even if you do think coffee is an addictive, mind altering substance.

we can steal a glance when someone is talking and exchange a multitude of words without interrupting. sometimes i do feel understood, like you get me… like you can see through to my confiscated and deficient heart so i try my best to avoid those moments, ignore the glances, change the subject, make a joke. turn my back. i can't risk not being her, the one. if i don't give you enough of me, you won't be able to tell me i'm not her. that's ok. i don't want to be her. i'll pull my knees over my heart, let you put you arm around my waist, kiss my neck. you don't get me but i don't want to be got. i'll love you from a safe distance. i'll finish my own sentences.

but i wish you would answer your phone because it's saturday and i all i want to do is lay in bed with you all day.

speaking of silence

2010-11-21T18:01:00.003-05:00

i splash water out of the pool and onto the concrete. the ants scurry as i watch them with my god-like eyes that hover overhead. within seconds i’ve ruined their small lives; destroyed some sort of a lesser kingdom. i decide it’s good that i'm not the real god, the one who is capable of ruining everything, but out of some sort of kindness chooses not to. i know it’s cruel but i’m sort of okay with it, killing the ants and all. “just cooling them off” i think to myself. the ledge is too hot to rest my arms on and that’s why i’m splashing to begin with. water turns to vapor right before my eyes. don’t even need a stove, just give me a pot and this concrete surface. huntsville feels like orlando in the summer; it feels like a slow melting death. that’s why i’m spending as much time as i can in the pool killing ants and cooling off.

i’ve come to huntsville for the week to see my grandpa. haven’t seen his life since my grandma died.

he’s in the house watching an old western and eating peanuts that sit next to the couch in the fancy dish. he says fancy dishes are for using today, not when you’re in the grave. i like that. i probably won’t have fancy dishes when i grow up, just not that kind of a person, but if i did i'd use them on weekdays and also for holding peanuts. yesterday he convinced me to watch curb your enthusiasm in his matter of fact sort of way. he has that power over me; power that melts my stubborn individuality. he has the same tone he’s always had. it’s the one he used when teaching me about globalization and ray charles and how the stock market works.

after i watch the ants die a dismal death i swim to the bottom of the pool and open my eyes. the chlorine is sharp, but no sharper than it was when i was six or seven or eight. i swirl around and let myself feel as free as i can. without oxygen, i let the invisible balloons inside my stomach inflate. when my face feels tomato red and my lungs get tired i surge to the top. i do back flips and handstands and think about how good it feels to be alone. there is no one to talk to and no one to listen to. i can just be. i am just being. most of the time i forgot how to be. sometimes i get nervous about how good it feels to just sit and think and grapple with the pressure of inviting someone into the very alive world that is my head.

on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays my grandpa plays poker at the elks lodge or at the dive bar on the corner i can’t remember the name of. he gets a coke and rum or some other drink i can’t remember the name of either. says he brought the bartender the good olives, not the cheap kind. brought in a little jar so they could use them when he comes in. he even wrote down how to make his favorite drink on a bar napkin, “now, tape this to the olives so you don’t forget.”

things are different here in huntsville; different from when i was little and he taught me what i didn’t know. his sad, sad, tired-from-all-the-crying-eyes share a story of grief. they tell a story of things i can’t explain. his eyes speak of being lonely and knowing heartbreak.

knowing heartbreak.

legitimate, been married for forty years and now i’m a widower heartbreak. he tells me that he misses my grandma and that he wanders through most days unsure of what to do.

“this isn’t the life i imagined, but it’s the one i’m living.”

i think that’s how most of us live, not in the lives we’ve imagined. not like when the world still felt possible. we forget about the essays we wrote in grade school and just sort of let life happen.

we let life happen. and happen. and happen.

all of it feels very human. all of it feels very mediocre.

on the drive back to the airport i know he’s finally ready to talk. there’s a new honesty in his voice, in his rhythm, in his every word. unedited sentences say more than the theories he knows by name. his splintered heart is a clean break from all the time he has spent teaching me about macroeconomics and the vietnam war. it’s a clean break from all the things that never touched on real life. who he is in huntsville is a beautiful departure from everything i’ve ever known about him.

he’s been silent for nearly a year and maybe that’s why things feel so different, so worth listening to.

he’s spent time in spaces filled with silence and now he knows what he feels. maybe that’s what we’re supposed to do, let the silence of our lives reveal the truth that’s in our hearts. maybe when we close our mouths and feel, really truly feel, vulnerability and transformation can begin.

the quiet prepares the way for the telling, the sharing, and the movement towards understanding. that’s the process of carrying out the pain. we have to know what’s real in our hearts, the culprit for what doesn’t feel good. only in the knowing can we scare away the sorrow. we have to be quiet and slow down from all of our saying. we have to ask the heart what hurts and what really matters.

then we talk and what we say is some kind of medicine.

kenzie

2010-07-27T22:03:00.001-04:00

“She said her favorite color was black and I knew she was lying.” said Kestae.
“And that’s why you got in a fight?” I asked.

“Well yeah, I sort of just exploded on her for copying me. I don’t care what her favorite color is. I just want it to be her favorite color.” replied the 9-year-old.

There’s a significant part of me that resonates with Kestae- that desperately wants people to like what they like and to be okay with their preferences. On occasion I unabashedly listen to country music and I make no qualms about it. Keith Urban holds a special place in my heart. And you know what, I don’t care how many of my friends think he’s lame, I’m still going to listen with pride and considerable enjoyment. It’s freeing, being able to decidedly like what you like without the need for approval.

I’ve spent a good amount of time thinking about what individualism is and how it fits into community. I’ve wrestled with what healthy individualism looks like and what it doesn’t. Sometimes I have days where my desire to be an “individual” is so strong that I find myself pressing up against anything that my friends like. If everyone is reading Donald Miller, I’m reading Grace Paley. If everyone is listening to Fleet Foxes, I’m listening to, well, Keith Urban. There’s a serious problem with this sort of thinking though- a kin to herd mentality- the person who fights tooth and nail for individualism is actually not an individualist. In fact, the person who has to fight to be different never gets to experience what they want. Fighting is reacting and reacting is not choosing.

Both the conformist and the hyper individualist fall prey to a weak sense of self. Even in high school this was apparent. On one side, there were the kids who wore Abercrombie & Fitch everyday because they just wanted to blend. On the other side, there were the kids who lived in the perpetual state of Halloween because they were so afraid of not being seen. In both instances, you have people who are scared and lost and unsure of what they really want. You have a collection of people who have no idea who they are; perhaps that’s why high school is so toxic for so many. In the end, it doesn’t matter what side you fall on, you never get to be yourself because you’re preoccupied with the pending approval of those around you.

Our responsibility as children of God is to be individuals. I’ll say it again because I believe it so much. Our responsibility as children of God is to be individuals- to wear the names we’ve been given and to live out the vision he has for our lives. I used to think this was wrong, the desire to be uniquely me, but I’ve come to know that if we actually believe in this whole “body of Christ” idea, we’ve got to get serious about becoming the people he’s called us to be. This means embracing who we are and trusting that because of his goodness, we’re significant enough to fit in the grander kingdom picture.

What we are not responsible for is living out the desires of those around us. If we find ourselves only motivated by the efforts and dreams of other people, we’re living a reality that is not our own; we’re vicariously living through someone else. And similar to pageant moms, it’s never a pretty sight. There’s something remarkable about the notion “This is what I wanted because I wanted it, not because it made my neighbors like me.”

The false self, the one that rises and falls on the desires of other men is a pleaser, a hoax, a mere generic. The copied self is a fraud and a lie that’s never going to make you feel okay with yourself. If we aren’t thinking for ourselves we’ll essentially become people who simply act and respond, opposed to people who dream and become. We’ve all been given independent judgment. Don’t be so quick to ignore it for the sake of someone else.

The way I see the world is unique; the way you see the world is unique. Our preferences are of value. The things that we can create with our own two hands are of importance. We can’t go on not knowing who we are, we can’t go on forging the flavor of the week; because if we do, it’s certain we’ll begin to look like the Great Value brand found at Wal-Mart.

Ayn Rand talks about the individual being against the collective. But the more I learn and the more I come to value the individual, the more I see her thinking as faulty. Not only is it faulty, it’s dismal. I believe in a different future for the individualist. A future that says the individual is the collective. The individualist alone is weak, but when a group of people who own their uniqueness join together and share their lives they can become the new collective. The true individualist has no need to fear conformity if they’re really who they say they are. A yellow crayon doesn’t have to run around demanding its color- people just see that it is yellow. It lives in the box with all the other colors and never loses its yellowness. The more important reality is, is that yellow isn’t nearly as beautiful as the palette comprised of the colors of a sunset.

And that’s the vision in all of this- it’s my hope for all of us- that we would become people convinced of our worth and our ability to add to the conversation. That we would be individuals who are the collective.

bam.

2010-06-26T19:13:00.004-04:00

brainstorming tats. figuring out how to incorporate these paintings (http://www.brendanmonroe.com/paintings16.html) with a blueprint technical drawing of the tabernacle. i think amanda, who does AMAZING water color tats, will make it look beautiful. http://www.amandawachobtattoo.com/ i'm stoked.

spring had sprung

2010-05-06T08:03:00.002-04:00

spring. it’s my favorite season. change is also one of my favorite things. those two loves have joined together to start a cycle in my life. a natural and obvious pairing as weather change gives nature the opportunity to come back to life. making amends for the cold weather that striped the tress naked. the two reconcile and change comes.

four years ago i had the opportunity to go to africa, i will forever be a changed person because of that trip. i came back with a bigger perspective of the world and saw what life looked like for other groups of people. i saw a lot of brokenness. it was extremely healthy for me to see, and it broke me. three years ago in the spring, my perspective on community outside of america continued to grow and i saw what it looked like in the dominican republic. i went with a lovely group of people that challenged me and probed me to think outside my american bubble. to see beauty and worth in people and seeing god in them and through them in completely new and beautiful ways. i came back a changed person. two years ago, i traveled to europe. i saw and heard so many stories, saw so many beautiful places, met a lot of broken people. last year the spring brought a big change in me moving to Atlanta. this experience broke me once again. i learned a lot of lessons the hard way, but do we ever really learn the easy way?

i’ve come back from these experiences with a fresh realization of the world’s brokenness, of my own brokenness. i’ve felt god close in those times, and he has helped me rearrange the pieces, and build me back up, but slightly changed.

this spring i’ve set out on an adventure. realizing that humans seek comfort and stability, moving back to orlando has forced me out of that and i refuse to settle for comfort. we have to be forced into change, into the uncomfortable. its discomfort that transforms you. and allows your pieces to be re-shifted.

i long to be transformed. permanently and perfectly.

i graduated a year and a half ago. everyone i talk to agrees that this is one of the most confusing and hardest times of one’s life. adults tell me that they’re still trying to figure out what they’re going to be “when they grow up.” unfortunately this isn’t the greatest time in america’s history to be figuring it out. the alternative to not knowing what exactly to do is take a risk and just try out something and hopefully find your niche. but now it’s hard to even find the opportunity. its been a year of bumbling through my days. dreaming and scheming and thinking about options. it would be very comfortable, very “worthy,” very american to default to grad school. that seems the thing to do when you don’t know what to do after undergrad. but i don’t want to just jump into something else. something comfortable.

intentional community is heavy on my heart. it’s the thing that keeps coming back as i search through options and adventures. when i read exodus 36 and acts 2, i can literally feel my heart beat faster. i want to find people that are passionate about making christianity real. i want to see how other people are doing this. i want to hear people talk about attempts, successes, failures. how they do it in the mundane. in the extraordinary. in the everyday. the exodus community came together in the middle of the desert and build a tabernacle, something with the only intentions of glorifying god. they were so generous. so sacrificial.

i want a space for gathering, creating things, sharing those creations, encouraging one another, and collaborating with each other. i want to help reduce the barriers that prevent people from creating. (i.e. lack of space, lack of resources, lack of people who give a crap.) a safe place to create, marked by generous participation with and encouragement of one another, as well as mutual education. i want to reach beyond ourselves in generously meeting the needs of the people of orlando to the best of our ability - impacting their lives through our creations. yeah.

let’s do this.

i'm so thankful for the community i'm in. i know know know that there is purpose in god's timing and placement in conjunction with these ideas. they have been so supportive in the last couple months concerning this and can not wait to walk through this with them and support each other.

dear friend,

2010-03-15T13:49:00.002-04:00

my previous entry was intended to be a catalyst for me to start writing my thoughts down throughout lent. i placed the dominos too far away from each other. chain reaction failure.

being vegan is hard but my innards appreciate my efforts. there was one week where i worked 50 something hours and the last thing i wanted to do was think about food alternatives, so i caved. it's so unsatisfying. everything in me screams, "this is such a good idea! it will taste so good. be so much easier." i'm wrong every time. i see with fresh eyes how imperfect i am, shocking i know. but gracious, it's not about my effort, not about how good i can be, how much i can deny myself. in my complaints and giving in, i have been praising him so much cause i would be doomed to hell within 24 hours, if that, if not for grace. i need him. every minute.

this, amoung other things, has made me feel like such a little kid lately. sticky hands and drool faced, kicking and screaming against life. except i have the knowledge and reason of a twenty three year old. so i'm having these fits and all the while saying, "shannon, you're being ridiculous right now. you know if you get what you're asking for, you'll be terribly unhappy." i'm begging for wisdom and direction and answers and i get a hint of it and i say, "uh huh, don't want that responsibility, that's too much to ask of me, i can't. i'd rather be unhappily comfortable. thanks anyway."

it's a battle against inadequacy and fear. and again, through my tears and kicks and screams and a tantrum that ranks up there with the spoiledest of kids, i hear god saying to me...

"i like when i get to see who you really are, when you shed the layers of pride and pretense that have protected you all these years. please, i beg, let those dead layers come undone; let them hold you no longer! shake them off, bury them deep, deep down in the dirt.

"i invite you to come and to live; to really live. open your heart and stare at your beating flesh. pound your chest- see that after all this time you can still feel. come and listen; know the things that you have not yet known. be afraid no more. friend, be afraid no more. let yourself be seen- not in good lighting or in premeditated glimpses, but in fullness and even in failure. oh to be human, the fragility of it all!

"postulate yourself in honesty, in humility. won’t you join the rest of humanity?

"come and dance and sing this mysterious song with me. put it all on the line, as you have wished to do for some time. spring is coming, let new life be seen. let yourself love and be loved, for it is the only thing that matters."

kaleidoscopic

2010-02-16T20:24:00.015-05:00

well, hello.
i’ve returned to van gogh’s arles. the house isn’t yellow. it’s not a new city, but familiar. and i’m still sane. but there is vibrancy in color and new community. i don’t love the city, the lights, the landscape. but my community and life is bursting with new sunlight. seismologists are stooped.

as i sat here, phrases perambulated, and i kept thinking, ‘that’s the perfect title.’ but then the bridge got overcrowded and i couldn’t bear to push anyone in the koi pond.
orlando: redeemed. you are enough. don’t fortify the parthenon. he is jealous for me. neither a nebbish. the face that launch’d a thousand ships. vegan, surely not; well, maybe.

and there it stood,
whatever it was, i mistook,
as responsibility.

and when i denied,
myself, my mind,
it became possibility

i’m taking a mini sabbath today to prepare for lent. i’m really excited to take it seriously this year. in the past, i think i’ve tried chocolate and coffee and only once successfully gave up facebook. but it was just to do it, to see if i could. i made it about myself, and depended on myself so i failed or forgot or became self-righteous, complete with the effigy and title of perpetual dictator. equals demise and removes any room for him to move.

but! one big enough to make anthony ray do a double take. lately i’ve been stumbling through the practice of meditating and focusing on the hebrew-like plainchant of getting covered by the dust of His feet. realizing jesus is enough. instead of the customary pursuit of greek education and being a renaissance woman of sorts. the hebrew system pits distribution against accumulation. obedience against information. weakness against strength. dependence against independence. denial against indulgence. righteous against religious. [related side note. genesis 15:6 calls abraham righteous for merely believing the Lord. righteous: morally upright, without guilt or sin. grace! gah.]

that, more or less, sums up why i want to participate in lent this year. i’ve underrated obedience so many times. the paradox in the responsibility of actively denying ourselves of activity, control. he calls us to be holy. living sacrifices. i heard this fact about israelites who brought sacrifices to the temple in good faith but the animal was blemished so the priest couldn’t kill it. but it was blessed so they couldn’t send the animal back with the person. so these blemished animals would spend the rest of their lives at the temple, where god dwelled in the old testament. literally living sacrifices. that’s us. blemished humans that should never stray from the presence of god. and never do because of what christ did. i’m really excited to have 40 days to continue to focus on that chasm. that truth. that gift. that sacrifice.

michael collins didn’t get to walk. there will be frustration in mere observation. in the inactivity. but in a very small way every piece of meat or dairy i deny, i hope to remember remember… that only he is enough. i look forward to the day when christ rose so that we could he could forever dwell within us; and for the picture of what the day will be like when the gates swing open and all will be made new. what a feast it will be; vegan, surely not. well, maybe.

it’s so beautiful how only you can satisfy this heart. [that probably the title that captured my feelings best. but it was too long.]

i’ll drink socrates’ hemlock, if i must.

ka⋅lei⋅do⋅scop⋅ic /kəˌlaɪdəˈskɒpɪk/ –adjective
1. changing form, pattern, color, etc.
2. changeable, fluctuating, protean, variable.
3. indecisive

ramblings

2009-12-24T13:19:00.004-05:00

a beautiful soul and artist unexpectedly stepped into my life. imparting words which were wrapped in comfort knowing that i was not alone. the very nature of an artist is to teem with imagination and ideas. an unhealthy idealism leads me down unhealthy unceasing paths of what could be. what could be if i could facilitate community with consistency. what beauty could come out of that, in so many different avenues and branches. roadways and foliage bursting with possibility. overlapping and intricately weaved in and out of each other, never choking, merely producing life and more life. life abundant. what if we could love each other. what if i could love. what if we recaptured that which was lost. what if we supported our words with action. what if we were completely selfless. what if we could love.

point is. the source of my frustration lately has been a longing for kingdom come. i’m sick of messing up. but its something that i am naturally inclined to do. which by the way, is frustrating in and of itself, why to we have to be inclined to fail. that’s a shitty plan. i have a big imagination and an idealist, which means even more let downs. maybe naivety has saved me till now. but i’m becoming more and more disappointed as i grow up. i can be in awe of and try to be like a child, but it becomes childish. i’m not a child. we grow up. we have to find a new way to connect. on more realistic terms i suppose.

even adam and eve had an inclination to fail. they lost awe of god. desired to make themselves like god. i recognize that’s what i’m doing. i know my perspective is small and god must be smirking at me thinking me silly and puerile. fine. but it’s a shitty plan.

i feel like i'm in a movie scene. or maybe an actual scene from my own life. where i'm throwing a tantrum. my parents put me in my room. i'm banging against the door, crying until my eyes start hurting. through my cries and screams, i know in my head exactly what i need to do to get out of my room. my parents have told me, past trips to my room and back out reinforce it. how to be free and play again, to escape the isolation. misery feels better though in that moment, i am in complete control of my misery. and its miserable. but i'm so stubborn.

pregnant with possibilities

2009-10-27T20:29:00.009-04:00

i've started to break in a series. the beginning materialized in my orlando recoil, overwhelmed by both my options and my limitations. adept and incapable to do anything i wanted. where do i even begin to start over?

it's been one of the few times in my life where i ran to my creativity to express myself. i've never made it to the end of my list of avenues. frankly, i'm scared of letting myself be fully known, letting others feel the weight of who i am, let alone expressing myself in a tangible way. leaving actual evidence. of me. for everyone to judge and analyze.

i suppose i was desperate.

white. blank slate. me.

my train of thought went to plans, layouts, blueprints, notes- scratchings, sketches, brainstorms that take place at a beginning of an idea. all beautiful things in the world started from a blank slate. all inventions, all architecture of antiquity and modern, and on a larger scale- all nature and creation. everything. granted, people and art absolutely do not exist in a vacuum and surely are inspired by something. so it's not perfectly white. (see also: jasper johns' off-white american flag, also a big inspiration.) plus, everything is slightly tainted, unconsciously biased by culture or upbringing and sin. so images appear, transcend, out of this off-white, that's been worked- underlining sketches and scratchings, underlying colors and images. something boldly steps forward. against the white. fighting against nothingness.

i wanted to test out the technique so i started by just doing a plain chandelier. something that i've always found absolutely beautiful, a symbol of elegance. completely ornamental. embellishment. if you're gonna effing light up a place, do it well. do it elegantly. someone set out from nothing, some light bulbs and crystals. all those individually beautiful pieces. together. it was a new idea at some point. and someone had to work, possibly from humble beginnings, to buy it.

i've finished two other small ones, re-working a few big ones, and really excited about one i'm in the middle of. i have an extremely hard time finishing things. but am excited to continue to express this season of life. the idea and technique has evolved slightly, but here's the first, with my camera phone, please excuse low quality and give me a little extra credit, of course you can't get the full effect.

i think you might. just have to trust me on this one.

2009-10-26T22:43:00.005-04:00

god’s language assignment to adam exposed a void. unfolded incompleteness.

in naming creation adam realizes a need. a desire. for relational answering. for intimacy. naming something involves knowing it intimately, it’s an inextricably personal and meaningful process. one that must have taken a long time and a lot of thought.

he nailed it. can you imagine calling a fox by any other name. or a robin, a hippopotamus. or a skunk. you just don’t pull that out. and eventually adam is able to call all of creation by name… but they don’t answer. god chose to construct the story of creation this way. he set him up!

countless numbers of jewish people went without a messiah. without intimacy. set up. adam must have been so lonely. none were like him. none capable of relationship, all of them at the mercy of primal instincts. adam was participating in creation. by himself. incompleteness.

actual story or allegory, either way, exposes god's intentions. brilliance. plan. he's continually creating. it doesn’t stop in genesis. he is shaping us, never a non participant. and maybe, just maybe, beyond my short-sightedness, there is a reason for my state of inefficacy. my feelings of mediocrity. puerility. incompleteness.

i pride myself on my humility

2009-10-23T00:44:00.004-04:00

maybe i've become cynical. [i realized the other day during a community night that i felt a disconnect. i've been learning and talking a lot about god but not talking to him. any approach to salvation, which he is playing out every day, that does not eventually become worship becomes distorted and reduced to a concept. a program. a technique. we master it and therefore control it. with intentions of worshiping together, i felt a loss of words during corporate praise and prayer. i've taken control.] all this to say, maybe the following is biased. maybe i’m cynical.

i found myself rolling my eyes at status updates that boast of, "great nights, great friends," "i love my life," "i am so lucky." [preconceived judgments possibly influence some intolerance.] i think, 'yea, so?' these sentiments in my mini-feed and twitter feel forced. seem fake. self-applauding. disconnect.

god is the source of all that is good. everything that's beautiful... wonderful. sorry, i couldn't resist. a dismaying abundance of altruistic phenomenon abides in the everyday. creation is endlessly complex. everyone can and does encounter good things in stunning and variegated ways, there's endless possibilities, literally. accordingly there’s disconnect with differing arrays of happiness. we roll our eyes, even if it's genuine from their end. rare is the discovery and connection with a kindred soul and stumbling upon such confidantes should in fact be celebrated. not everyone would delight in a rare thrift store find or the accomplishment of finishing a difficult run. to truly celebrate the good things you experience with you. to know first hand the feeling, because they’ve felt it. they make you feel like you're not the only one. cause you’re not.

i'm much more prone to comment or "like" or reply to updates concerning upsets, discouragements, sadness, injustices, hopelessness, annoyances. i can relate on a deep level more easily without preclusion. the devil’s imagination is vastly smaller than gods, not as far-reaching, his tools less reverberant. i understand human defense mechanisms, pains, the annoyances, the guilt, the same propensity to sin, same heart ache, same weaknesses, same lies. even if it's not the same circumstances, i have files and files of history of hurts i can pull from. empathize with.

it takes a lot less effort to relate the pains of being human. it takes certain skill to evoke an experience of beauty. god is too vast. ineffable. there's too big of a vocabulary to pull from. masters of written and spoken words chiefly seem to succeed when they evoke those feelings of embarrassment, pain, annoyance, hurt, abandonment. they cause you to mourn with or laugh at shared experiences, but they connect. the pains of being a human.

yes, i just blogged about status updates.

wild!

2009-10-20T11:59:00.006-04:00

collection of thoughts after seeing where the wild things are. combined with thoughts from 'christ plays in ten thousand places' and 'the creative habit' ...

"everything that happens in a day is a transaction between the external world and my internal world. everything is raw material. everything is relevant. everything is usable. everything feeds into my creativity. but without proper preparation, i cannot see it, retain it, use it."

where the wild things are encapsulates all those childhood feelings of wonder and angst. and emotions that you don't quite know how to deal with yet so you wind up on top of the kitchen table screaming at your mother. all those beautiful, imaginative, intense feelings that we've squandered and labeled as maturity. as we get older, we develop competence and gain mastery over ourselves and our environment. we become so absorbed in what were doing, where were going; that god's work, god's creation is forgotten or marginalized. but our minds and imagination are inherently unrestricted and boundless from birth and we’re designed to begin participating in god's creation work.

something in max told him that celebration of creation and of each other was the first step to eliminating sadness, and so a wild rumpus began. a child knew instinctively. a child also innately knew that establishing a common goal for the monsters would bring them together. their community served together and for each other. there are things that are so carnal, so instinctive, so intrinsically life-giving that it can only point to the way things were meant to be. max unhesitatingly and barbarously discerns that.

but max is no savior. he can't live up to it. his ability to control starts to crumble after the early apogee of escaping there. the depravity of humans is beautifully and masterfully revealed.

everything in the movie, like a child, is raw, unfiltered, risky, and unabashedly nonsensical. from the dialogue to the music, it doesn't owe anything to anyone, it's free.

jesus said we can only enter the kingdom "as a little child." we rarely take the time to detach ourselves from the world's way of doing things and from our own compulsions. we take things into our own hands. we are not free to see and respond to who god is and what he is doing. to attend. to adore. as a little child.

preterpluperfect

2009-08-21T21:02:00.003-04:00

human beings were made not only to believe in god abstractly but to love him supremely, center their lives on him, and build their identities on him. the first commandment, to not have any other gods before him, defines sin as making good things into ultimate things. seeking something else more central to your significance, purpose, and happiness than your relationship with god.

no human relationship can bear this burden of godhood, if your partner is your ‘all’ then any shortcoming in him becomes a major threat to you. in the other person we hope to ride ourselves of our feeling of nothingness, to know our existence has not been vain. we want redemption. needless to say, humans cannot give this.

only if your identity is built on god and his love can you have a self that can venture anything, face anything.

paraphrased bits i learned from tim keller and ernest becker. these words gave me yet another ‘ah ha’ moment. intercedes to illuminate my dark places. i feel so free. this time i feel like these shimmers of elucidation are to foster my heart and mind for something else. as a preventative measure. god whispering, 'this is not the way, follow me.' i might easily confuse this with a way to make foregoing things better. to hold on. but its preterpluperfect. and i'm more than ok with that. finally.

more than morpheme

2009-08-18T13:29:00.005-04:00

this is far too much paint for one to have without actually painting. i have a series in mind that i want to do. and so i will. everyday. for at least an hour. willing to make some mistakes.

one interesting thought that someone pointed out to me about being equally yoked.. i had always seen that being applied to strictly not yoking yourself to an unchristian, if you are a christian. but not as the caliber of christians dating other christians. i can’t expect some amazing man of god to want to be with me if i’m not trying to be the type of woman deserving of that. my yoke does not reach such heights.

brim of utterance

2009-08-17T10:54:00.007-04:00

i was riding my bike and almost crashed. it’s weird going from a fixed to a geared bike. i went to brake and push back on the pedals to find that i only coasted. luckily drivers were paying attention this morning.

i had the thought when i felt sweat start to drip due to the brutish florida sun, inattentive and injudicious that the morning hours are reserved for the coolness of day. i saw a woman walking with an umbrella to block the sun, and from the depths of my memory i thought of wearing one of those umbrella hats. my dad is a huge proponent of function over form, the horror of an adolescent girl who walks through those days with, ‘dad! you’re embarrassing me’ at the tip of her tongue. i remember we were at the atlanta olympics, which made me about ten, on the cusp of knowing what was cool and what was very very uncool. dad had already wrecked my image by making us ride our bikes around and being completely unscrupulous scalping for tickets… to events like fencing and boxing nonetheless. all this to say, we bought umbrella hats for the occasion that he thought were man’s best invention at the time. and i remember being horrifyingly humbled at a tennis match where i refused to wear the stupid hat for at least half the match until my face was sunburned and my clothes drenched in sweat, i longed for the shade that the umbrella offered. dad would be so proud if i wore one when riding my bike around lake mary i think.

god is relentless, his love remorseless, he wants our salvation with the determination due its importance. in the past weeks i've asked for a prayerful heart and, the lord striped away the props that i leaned on; for a humble heart, and he gave me humiliations; an increase of faith, he striped me of the safety that i’d identified with faith. i prayed not really believing, or thinking i knew how he would answer me. i shouldn't be shocked at the way he answered me- i gave him a little room to move, and he did. it's no wonder he made that day on the tennis court so blistering hot.

i’ve read that the first conversion is generally characterized by joy and enthusiasm and filled with felt alleviation and a profound sense of god’s presence, the second is marked by dryness, barrenness, desolation, and a profound sense of god’s absence. shamefully i think this might make my third or fourth ‘conversion’ but its an indispensable stage of spiritual growth. a grim realization and acceptance of the fact that i am totally dependent upon god’s love and mercy. he emptied me so that i could become humble and detached, knowing that he hasn’t deserted me but removed obstacles keeping me from a deeper union. without such there could be no movement in love. there is no cheap grace. these only dispose us to prayer, humility, and faith, not just an excuse to wallow in the suffering, self-pity, rebellion, pride or apathy that catenates.

day two

2009-08-16T14:52:00.001-04:00

someone invited me to go overseas long-term with a small group of people that i really really admire. my immediate response is to jump on board. is it because i'm running away. is because it's easy. because i'm impatient. i semi-impulsively moved away before, thinking it would be best for me without giving it a second thought. and now i'm back. i don't want to do that again. i don't even know how to sort out my feelings and what god would want.

christine, sally and i were walking in the mall and saw this hurricane experience thing and were to far too intrigued to pass it up. but not quite stupid enough to pay two dollars for it. we ended up sitting in near-by la.z.boys and waited for someone else who was slightly more intrigued to risk the two dollars. or a child who could convince a parent to rob a bank with the right facial expression, tears, or bat of an eye. success. it turned out to just blow wind at the kid for 10 seconds. his assessment, 'my eyes hurt.'

dulcinea

2009-08-15T10:53:00.008-04:00

'the signature of jesus' is helping me sort through some things that have happened in the past couple months. speaking straight to my heart. i'm not sure what will happen in the future, and if i'll be given a chance to redeem myself. or if these lessons are to be learned for someone else. i think too much trust has been lost and a desire to move on might be weighing too heavily. regardless, these need to be apart of who i am, always, i cannot be 'successful' otherwise. four things that i can pinpoint that i was lacking... not the only things, but what i identify with so far in the book. these are basically taken straight from it but i couldn't otherwise express with clarity my deficiencies like he does.

one.
the early church was built on small groups of people who came together to support one another in a whole new way of life. these communities should be small enough for intimacy, kindred enough for acceptance, and gentle enough for criticism. egos will collide, personalities conflict, power-brokers intrude, anger and resentment surface, risk is inevitable. there can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability, there can be no peace and ultimately no life, without community.

two.
the question at the last judgment was ‘how did you respond to needy brothers and sisters?’ he expects humble apprenticeship and serving love. 'whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' -matthew 25:40. i was convicted of this a little while back in deuteronomy where serving is closely tied with the greatest commandment. you can't separate the two. i lacked that in atlanta and it was detrimental.

three.
"the gentleness of jesus with sinners flowed from his ability to read their hearts and to detect the sincerity and goodness there. behind men’s grumpiest poses and most puzzling defense mechanisms, behind their arrogance and airs, behind their silence, sneers, and curses, jesus saw little children who hadn’t been loved enough and had ceased growing because someone had ceased believing in them." i had forgotten that jesus does that to me and that i should do that to others.

manning uses the story of alonsa (don quixote) and aldonza, a tramp. in delusion alonso treats aldonza as an aristocrat. he calls her "dulcinea," my lady, my sweet little one. this awakens something in her she thought she could never be. she had been dead, frozen, immune to human emotion. but she began to believe that she was dulcinea. we have a powerful impact on others.

four.
"self hatred is an indecent luxury that no disciple can afford. it subtly reestablishes me as the center of my focus and concern. biblically this is idolatry. any spirituality that does not lead from a self-centered to an other-centered mode of existence is bankrupt."

dang manning. dang.

one more post for today

2009-08-14T18:41:00.002-04:00

i have a lot on my mind..

i have been overwhelmed with support and love in the two days that i've been heading back to florida. it really is a beautiful picture of the body of christ. they remind that i'm going to be alright and that i am loved. they also seem to all be on my side. i feel right. i feel justified in my anger. i feel stubborn.

i have promised and intend on seeking god passionately so as to hear his voice on this whole matter. i want to be guided by him. i want to decide and respond with a clear conscience that he is directing me. i've gotten a little boost and reassurance from people that some things i think are true and they agree with me and thats its biblical. i write this to keep myself accountable and to remember that my friends who i deeply love and who are being really great friends do not know whats ultimately best for me. i need gods directing and rebuking and truth above all.

perhaps this is the essence of faith: to be convinced of the reliability of god

2009-08-14T18:35:00.002-04:00

throughout his life jesus' words were never those of blaming and shaming, accusing and condemning, threatening, bribing, and labeling. nor should mine. only when we claim the love of christ with heartfelt conviction, this love that transcends all judgments, can we overcome all fear of judgment. as long as we continue to live as if we are what we do, as if we are what we have, and as if we are what other people think about us, we will remain filled with judgments, opinions, evaluations, and condemnations. we will remain addicted to the need to put people in their place.

disservice

2009-08-14T18:22:00.003-04:00

i picked back up a book by brennan manning. i record in hopes that i remember a little later in life. in ten days or so.

"our deepest need is for the inexhaustible power of the love of christ. the miracle of christianity is that the need is already met.

"what jesus longs to see in radical disciples is what he saw in little children: a spirit of sheer receptivity, utter dependence, and radical reliance on the power and mercy and grace of God mediated through the spirit of christ. 'apart from me you can do nothing'"

nothing. we cannot even desire god. it requires surrendering daily... daily. to. die. daily. to self-centeredness in all its forms, including self-promotion and self-condemnation. it can't be taken lightly. there is nothing about the life of christ which was mediocre. to follow him is to live and think radically. i realize that i have taken it very lightly in the past few months. not in the past couple days, but months. and i know it would be an extreme disservice if i allowed myself to be with someone who didn't take it seriously. we are not given an 'out' because we're sinners. we are not called to less. we are nothing without him. but that just means i have to rely on him more. not make excuses. how can i expect any relationship, any pursuit, anything, to be fruitful without him.

i love the urgency and seriousness and honesty that you can hear in manning's words. i love his insistence that says it is not a man’s words that measure his faith, but his actions. this stirs my heart. i feel more free. more able. less bound.

He is your praise

2009-08-13T12:24:00.002-04:00

By nature we do not love God. This is original sin, the source whence our wickedness proceeds; and the carnal mind is enmity against God, for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be; so then they that are in the flesh cannot please God, Romans 8:5-9. Let us, without delay or reserve, come and cleave to our reconciled God in Jesus Christ, that we may love, serve, and obey him acceptably, and be daily changed into his image, from glory to glory, by the Spirit of the Lord. Consider the greatness and glory of God; and his goodness and grace; these persuade us to our duty. Blessed Spirit! Oh for thy purifying, persevering, and renewing influences, that being called out of the state of strangers, such as our fathers were, we may be found among the number of the children of God, and that our lot may be among the saints.

commentary of deut 10:12-22. read it. love it.

reiterate

2009-08-13T11:40:00.002-04:00

you provoked the lord to wrath.. you did not believe.. you did not obey his voice.. you are a stubborn people.. the lord wanted to destroy you.. he was angry with you.. you have been rebellious against the lord from the day that I knew you.

that's just taken from one chapter in deuteronomy. it's throughout the whole story of israel's exodus. why then are these his choosen people?

it gives me comfort that we are failures. god knows that about us, his choosen people are people that disappointed him. why did he make it that way.

i don't know if this is related to israel's sin but surely part of it. i get most upset at people when i have preconcieved notions of how the person should act, what they should do, or what they should say. i get upset in the moment that they're not being my puppet, and they have no clue what just happened.

hypothetically. when i'm driving over to someones house to pick something up and i'm thinking innocently, oh i could go in and grab something else and give them some music that they've been wanting while i'm there. but then, heaven forbid, they come out and give me the thing i came for and i get upset. like they somehow knew the plan i'd come up with in the five minutes after getting off the phone, and maliciously went against it. i never communicate that i have an idea, can i come in real quick, just become defeated and silent, crushed. what? that's absolutely ridiculous. it happens so fast, i don't realize till after.

i pray for communication skills.

the people of israel can certainly relate in their false or selfish expectations from god. they thought the had their journey all figured out. and surely i do that to god and, altough not examined by moses, surely they dealt with selfish expectations of others in everyday life. it's got to be a condition of the human heart.

we think we're right. all the time. we know the best way for things to play out. surely.

i pray for humility.

responsibility

2009-08-12T16:56:00.002-04:00

it's really hard to play hostess. my brother and his girlfriend are in town and i feel pressure to make sure every minute of their day is exciting and jam-packed. but i don't know anything about atlanta. its exhausting. i'm definitely enjoying seeing them and spending time with them. but i just wish i didn't feel the pressure. like when you are the one throwing the party and you can't relax and enjoy it cause you feel responsible to make sure its a good party. the end.

quirks

2009-08-09T22:04:00.004-04:00

i hate taking things out of the shower. i have so many empty or nearly empty bottles that i'm too lazy to take out. i always forget until i get back in the shower and then by the end, i forget. something that i don't forget: tracking numbers. as soon as i get the confirmation email, i'm checking to see where the package's home was and when the expected arrival date is. i love the technology of arrival and departure scans that enables you know the exact the path of your package. i get really excited for the 'out for delivery' notice, ok? geez. don't judge me.

some times

2009-08-07T21:17:00.007-04:00

sometimes when i see people with their bible open or when i hear people talking about god i get the urge to encourage them. i want to yell, 'i'm on your side!' 'i believe!' it's completely impulsive. and completely ridiculous. maybe because it sometimes feels like your up against so much resentment that it just would feel nice knowing that your not alone. i wonder how people would respond.

today i had a conversation that i didn't really expect anything from. i was just wasting time before my shift started, not looking for conversation, actually not really wanting to talk at all. but one of our regulars wound up teaching me things about a passage in deuteronomy that were really interesting and well-informed. he mentioned something that stuck with me. when i asked him where he learned all of it he said that he grew up a christian but his mom was kinda the spirital leader, and since he's realized the adverse affects he has a personal mandate to be the spiritual leader. and to take that seriously. why is it my nature to expect the worst out of people. this young, attractive, college kid, baseball player, 40% tipper who comes in everyday is teaching me beautiful things and is taking something seriously that god laid on his heart. i guess the world is jading and i come to expect the worst. expect that there aren't many people loving christ and so i get overly excited when i see them publicly worshiping and lift them up to the status of preacher. also an ugly character of my heart to think that people don't have anything to offer me. i need to learn more from other people's experiences. they are valuable.

i noticed today that when i looked at the clock and it said 8:30, i finally just took it for 8:30. i wasn't looking at where the sun was, figuring out what time it would be before the switch, calculating what time it would get dark now, ya know regular compulsive type stuff. so now i will have to wait till 'fall back' daylight savings before i can start looking at the time and thinking about the way things used to be at that same 'time.' i am free. free indeed.

literally

2009-08-07T18:37:00.005-04:00

i'm leaving atlanta in less than a week. i can't help but to feel like a failure. it was too good to be true. too good to live up to.

i've finally made it to the last book of the torah writing the bible. deuteronomy is beautiful. its like the 'the best of, moses edition.' a summary of the best parts of the previous 4 books. i've learned so much in six chapters. bullet points for simplification.
_1:21 "Go up, take possession, as the Lord, the God of your fathers has told you. Do not fear or be dismayed." I need to hear that in this period of change in my life.
_3:22 "you shall not fear them, for it is the Lord your God who fights for you." amen. amen.
_5:17 "you shall not murder" in the margins i read the the hebrew word for murder also covers causing human death through carelessness or negligence. that's quite different. i hate watching the news, i choose to be ignorant. am i a murderer?
_6:5 the greatest command.. you shall love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all you soul and with all your might. and those words shall be on my heart. they should be apart of who i am reaching and flowing into every other part of my body. i've been thinking a lot about what that's supposed to look like.

i don't understand how marriages function. once you get past the cat and mouse game and several months later after you got em, when the fireworks and glitter fade, you realize you're stuck with a sinner. all that excitement of finding someone new, someone attractive, someone you can have fun with.. you realize that the person has flaws. how in this world can we learn to be selfless enough to love another sinner completely. sin is ugly. all of it. there's no way around it. i can't possibly believe that one person's sin is uglier than another's and you get all of it, all. of. it. when you marry someone. incomprehensible.

as i'm writing this a song came on with a line, 'i feel like everything's about to change. it's real. things will never be the same.' i felt butterflies and excitement and optimism when i heard this song a couple months ago. and now as i listen to it now, i'm terrified. how am i in this place again. gosh, i'm such a downer but i'm working under the assumption that no one is reading this. but something's about to change and i have no idea what. a few months ago i was promised such beautiful things. and now its changing. how did i let you do this to me again.

a friend told me that i'm in god's hands, within in his protection, i literally can't fail. god doesn't fail.

literally is the coolest word to say in a british accent. try it. aloud.

woe is me.

2009-07-23T09:00:00.002-04:00

i think i might move back to florida. i think that i'm excited about it. you know whats hard... i'm so torn at being present here and living in the past. i want so bad to plant my feet and love a city, but also don't want to lose past relationships. i'm so bad at keeping in touch, mostly default to, 'out of sight, out of mind.' but i geniunely care about the people in orlando and other folks from my past living in different cities. its like if i fully choose to love this city, it would leave no room for past people. and even so, its hard when you're not present to really maintain that long-distance and not be able to love them in the everyday. i have no excuse because for whatever reason i havent felt like i ever wanted to invest in atlanta. i miss my community in orlando. i miss letting myself be loved and loving people.

listen. repeat.

2009-07-23T08:57:00.002-04:00

gosh. i hate being a woman. i hate being weak. i hate being fed lies. i hate that i believe them. as a woman i believe that i’m not worthy. it affects everything. especially in areas that i’m already weak. like in communication. i can’t ask for anything and am scared to say what i want to people i care about most. there are so many other things vying for people’s attention and its hard for me to believe that i am worth people’s attention. i am worth people’s time. those other things, those forms of technology or other friends or whatever… 'they’re all better than me.' i am deeply jealous. but they're lies. the truth is that i am loved by the creator of the universe. he is jealous. he wants my heart.

i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe. i am loved by the creator of the universe.

broken

2009-06-24T19:46:00.002-04:00

a scribe asked jesus what the most important commandment was, and jesus says to love god and then to love others as you love yourself, the scribe agreed and the jesus says, "You are not far from the kingdom of God."

meaning that the economy of the kingdom of god is all about relationships. the sum total of our lives will be measured in the relationships we have and how we treat them. that you can gauge where you are by the quality of your relationships. edwin mcmanus told me straight up that i wasn't ok today, and he was right. you can say that you're doing alright but when you honestly evaluate and you have no substantial, meaningful friendships, edwin says no sir. you are not ok.

somewhere over the rainbow

2009-06-20T21:31:00.002-04:00

what if we stop having a ball
what if the paint chips from the wall
what if there's always cups in the sink
what if i'm not what you think

what if i fall further than you
what if you dream of somebody new
what if i never let you in
chase you with a rolling pin
well, what if I do

cause I am giving up
on making passes
and i am giving up
on half empty glasses
and i am giving up
on greener grasses

i am giving
i am giving up
on greener grasses
i am giving up for you

humbled.

2009-06-20T21:20:00.000-04:00

i’m discovering how ugly my soul is when left to its own devices. i was overwhelmed in a worship set of an ordination service of all places by how much i suck. its astonishing how much i walk around assuming by default that i don’t suck. ‘i didn’t do anything blatantly wrong’ so… i must not suck. right? ….right? it’s a beautiful thing to be humbled by god. to finally catch a glimpse of his glory through my hardened heart. i’m really bad at loving people. i’m really good at pretending like i can. decent at talking and thinking about it. really good at judging other people for not. i’m really ugly on the inside.

moved.

2009-06-20T21:19:00.001-04:00

moving to a new place. i’ve asked for it basically since i found out that part of growing up was moving out of your parent’s house. i used to make plans to grow up and move to california. never of course thinking of what i would do there to provide for myself, that was never apart my childhood dreams. passion for a beautiful place and new experience was enough for me to pick up and move everything. i can mark periods of my life by where i wanted to move. california, any of the ‘southern’ states, africa, boston for a while, seatlle for a brief period, portland for slightly longer. now that i’ve finally moved out of a twenty mile radius, i’ve realized that i’ve idealized moving to a new place. duh. i naturally try to stay within the confines of a child’s mind. worries get in the way of action.

i went to a ‘faith & art symposium’ tonight, the guy said at one point that artists have chosen to harness the creativity and imagination that children innately have. when left in a room, children will sing a song, draw, create, imagine and that we as artists tap into that. i really liked tonight. i liked being encouraged by people to create. i liked to see what people were creating and to hear what they had to say about it. my mind starts racing and my heart beats faster at the thought of this night becoming my lifestyle. i feel like i waste a gift, given to me from god, to create. i think i have a lot to learn, and i’m not trying to be pompous when i say any of this. i don’t know how to visually convey the ideas in my head. but i need to allow myself to be left in a room and let my mind wonder. ok, this isn’t the point, the point is that not only do i need to create for that is how god wired me, but that i want to encourage others, i want to create a place for that creatively to naturally flow and it can be harnessed and expressed.

i was reading exodus and the story of bezelal and the building of the tabernacle is what originally sparked this flame within me. gosh its beautiful. but i didn’t intend for this post to be about that… focus. i just got this vision of having a place, a warehouse type thing i imagined, with different areas to inspire and to create. coffee is the starting point for all great work right? so to create a space to initiate ideas and to talk and inspire and bounce off ideas, colaborate.. couches, tables, desks to facilitate that. large tables to spread out in. an area to research, books, history books, poetry, music, art books, art hanging. and then i wanted an artists’ space for actual creation. blocked out spaces for artists to rent maybe, whatever the case, i would love to provide a space to give people the opportunity to start. to finish. to get past whatever cop out, excuse, or stumbling block that disallows them to use a gift, to tell a story, to illustrate their human experience.

anyway, moving is tough and i miss my friends. i value the community that i had there and the support provided. the growth they spurred, lessons learned. my family, i love them. i’ve never realized how much until i’ve moved away.

cornucopia of thankfulness

2008-11-27T19:16:00.004-05:00

i love my family.

chains

2008-10-15T10:29:00.005-04:00

i am thankful for people that give me tough love... bordering on violent love, but continue to speak truth into my life and remind me i matter most to the one who matters most. he is still chasing after me even when i keep straying. i feel like my life has been defined by a certain something for the past two years. a consistant weight on my shoulders, continually bringing me back to an unhealthy place, causing me be a person i don't want to be- made to feel worthless. not. true.

so glide away and so be healed
and promise not to promise anymore
and if you come around again,
i will not take the chain
from off the door

told you so

2008-10-07T21:45:00.005-04:00

i've heard it said numerous times that once you get one tattoo, you'll want more. i want another, possibly on my other wrist. the more i research and find more meaning, the more i want it. crap.

i was struck when i heard matthew 5:48, "therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." the greek word for 'perfect' means 'finished, complete, having reached its end,' and implies being fully grown or mature.

grace is opposed to earning, but not opposed to effort. we must desire god's will so much that we seek to please him in every area of our lives-that is holiness. jesus says that god's law was never about mere rules but desires a complete righteousness of the heart, a total devotion to god's purposes in this world. thats part of becoming a disciple.

in the surrounding verses, theres a connection to the inability to be perfect apart from others. the bible links perfection with human relationships. christ urges us to be as perfect as our father in heaven and ties the process to how we treat each other. we cannot withdraw from people and still develop the necessary relationship skills, just as god never leaves us but continues to work with us. he is the one who works perfection in us.

in the verse, god becomes the standard of comparison and it suggests that jesus' instruction is exhortation, setting a goal, not assuming a state to which the hearers have already come. (the issue of whether any christian is perfect is irrelevant here. all of us can learn to better reflect god's character; at the same time, god promises us power to overcome any given temptation; and if we can overcome any temptation, we should choose to say no to every temptation.)

....but when we fail, we can fall back on grace. divine grace. god's gifts are gracious. they are unearned and unmerited by us who have willingly sinned against him, desecrated his beautiful creation and either ignored or neglected his awesome purpose. despite this, his gifts of life are nonetheless unforced, an abundant manifestation of his kind nature. he does not return evil for evil; he does not bear grudges, burn with resentment, or plot to get even. rather, he freely gives even to evil doers while he patiently works toward the completion... perfection... of his purpose.

the greek for 'perfect' is used two other times:

for we all stumble in many ways. and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. if we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. james 2:1-4 (uh, i think a great thing to be reminded of... with permanent ink)

jesus said to him, 'if you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.' matthew 19:21 (again, permanent ink would be helpful. in hopes it will be permanently on my heart)

and similar to genesis 17:1, and the hebrew for blameless: when abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to him and said, 'i am god almighty; walk before me and be blameless.'

top ten

2008-10-07T11:00:00.031-04:00

reasons to move to seattle.

10. (tie) change. new beginning. getting there via bike rides or road trips or planes. having friends visit.

9. nature. mountains. redwoods. beautifulness.8. outdoor activities. bike trails. hiking. camping. snow sports. water sports. trails galore.7. seasons. cherry blossoms. no need to chase fall. snow. cold. pea coats. snow men. snowball fights. 6. big city. big buildings. lights. nightlife. public transportation. fun nearby cities- notably, portland, vancouver, san fran... well, all of california via pch.5. job opportunities. cotn and world vision headquarters. known as both the most highly educated and most literate city in the u.s. no state income tax. its #6 on top cities for singles: http://www.forbes.com/lists/2008/3/forbeslife-cx_singles08_Seattle_2396.html 4. there's not many things i love more than the feeling of rain drops on my skin. rain boots. cute umbrellas. playing in puddles. 3. culture. art school. real museums. the music scene. festivals (i.e. tulip festival!). coffee shops on every corner. 2. mars hill. good teaching. new people. new community. new challenges- being named the most 'unchurched' city in the u.s. 1. it's not florida.

what have i done, that you did not repair

2008-10-03T16:50:00.003-04:00

i have a new plan for my life and i’ve never been so excited about any other plan. so that’s been enough to preoccupy me from how much i’m dissatisfied with life right now. i questioned if its ‘unchristian’ to think like that but soon remembered that there are tons of verses resembling psalm 13--

how long, O LORD? will you forget me forever?
how long will you hide your face from me?
how long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

i find it very funny when people mistake you for someone else. today i was walking into a coffee shop and someone approached me about my job application, as it became apparent that he had mistaken me, his uneasiness also became increasingly apparent. my own discomfort would make me want to flee the scene, but he was the owner and couldn’t. i found it funny.

most tall girls are mistaken for the same person.

i realized a valuable thing about myself and control recently. i’ve been freaking out cause i feel like i have absolutely no control over any aspect of my life. i’ve been flailing around trying to grasp something, manipulate something, so that i could have at least one constant in my life. unsuccessful. entirely, pitifully, embarrassingly, unsuccessful.

what surprised me most about his realization is that i’m usually ok without having control. i’ve been very hands off in my life, dealing with whatever happened. i’ve prided myself on the ability to have faith in god’s plan. i’ve had it too easy in my life and have never been pushed to take control. i was never held responsible for my actions if i pseudo took control.

so, i’ve been ‘giving god control’ of my life in my christian walk, but never had to actually give anything. and now that i do, i don’t know how and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

and that is what i’ve learned about myself. ah, self discovery.

you give and take away

2008-09-23T22:30:00.002-04:00

if you let your feelings go, its scary what you’ll find.

:update on the last post. make that eight episodes in the last 48 hours. and its totally worth it.:

tonight on my way home from small group i tried to praise god for closed doors. for those closed doors effectuate finding the right ones. i broke down. i’m not doing anything to pursue open doors. i’m like one of those guys from the end of luke nine- where they were like, ‘let me bury my father’ or ‘let me say farewell first.’ i cried out of sense of sadness and despair and then out of an anger that welled up contending, ‘what the hell are you waiting for?!?’ why am i waiting around for my life to start. i want to change the world. i have a holy discontent with being here. i drudge the everyday. i want to be doing something that makes a difference. i have nothing to show for the last couple months of my life. a lot of self pity and hanging on to the past. i’m so mad at myself. i stand waiting at the foot of closed doors hoping their comfort and familiarity will let me back in.

the tears really started pouring when i then came to, now what? this all sounds great, i’ve done a great job of pumping myself up. i can’t do anything till decemeber when i graduate. what do i do till then… what do i do then?

you give and take away. but my heart will choose to say. lord blessed be your name.

found

2008-09-23T11:34:00.005-04:00

in the last two days i've watched five episodes of lost. averaging about 43 minutes, this has easily wasted at least three and half hours of my life. with three more seasons to go, this will be multiplied ten fold. the question is, do i get out while i still can.
i, like the rest of the world, have a crush on jack. which gives me reason to continue. amoung others. but, my name is tainted. shannon being such an uncommon name, its super weird hearing your name said- esp. in such a frustrated manner. i.e. every time her brother says her name.

thats all i got.

the sun came up with no conclusion

2008-09-21T15:55:00.014-04:00

one two, a one two three four.

i am an absolute failure. no really. i’m in good company though. jesus failed. i have found that there’s a couple of inevitables that jesus also dealt with. we differ in how we handle the corollaries. unlike him, i have allowed myself to be defined by these failures. to isolate myself. to live beneath who i am. i haven’t continued to do what i came to do. that’s the incongruity.

in the midst of a horribly failing relationship-- those are jesus’ words to judus. do what you came for.

jesus did everything right and relationships still went bad. relationships require two people to make right choices. jesus’ waterloo. i can’t control any one else’s decisions. their decision to hire me, love me, even like me. jesus watches every single relationship turn away from him for that same reason. the loving part, not the hiring part. he’s god and has the option to change that but deals with the continual devastation of love gone bad. but even still, he can not relate to the feeling of being alone. or living beneath himself. incongruity.

i am fully aware that god never promises anything to be easy. that’s been my on going soapbox, about everything. but i really have been striving to follow him and be honorable in the way i’m living. i’ve been more of a servant than i have my whole life. i’ve tried to be authentic in my love. been sacrificial. patient. honest. doing what i came for. and for what? to wind up unsatisfied with every result. in every way- vocationally, relationally, you name it. i've used this as an excuse to live beneath myself.

we have an obligation to live life in a way god wants us to. in a way the expresses gods design. to live the most honorable way that we can. we have absolute control over that. and only that.

we have received all from him, and i have absolutely nothing i can call my own. except sin. that means taking ownership of my humanity. for both my own failure and sin and for my gifts, talents, passions, intellect entrusted to me. being neutral does not protect me. it defines me. the slave given a talent which he in turn sat on was called wicked and lazy by his master. wicked.

theres nothing in the world stopping me from being the person He called me to be except for myself. it is the real christian's liberty and privilege to be employed as his redeemer's servant, in promoting his glory, and the good of his people: the love of christ constrains him to live no longer to himself, but to Him that died for him, and rose again. those who think it impossible to please god, and in vain to serve him, will do nothing to purpose in religion.

please pardon my seemingly half-time-esque pep talk that i'm delivering to myself. i forget far too easily. its good for my soul to have it archived.

i’ve failed. i don’t see the reason yet. but i trust i will. i can’t remember where i read this commentary, or what verse it was talking about. but something about a process (of making – something – that’s alluded to in the bible) that required burning that something in the fire until it reached a point where it would then clearly reflect light. but it didn’t start as a reflective material. whatever the case. that’s whats happening. and i’m sure one of my myriad of readers will be able to know what i’m talking about. sike.

I was a little girl alone in my little world
who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees,
and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,
and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.

Now I'm old and feeling grey.
I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well,
there's many tales I've lived to tell.
I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

over under

2008-09-09T14:22:00.003-04:00

i live in orlando circa now. over under--here's what i've been learning.

_its never a good idea in an interview to confirm to an employer that you are essentially everything they do not want in an employee.
_not everyone flosses after they brush their teeth. apparently there is not a consensus among dentists about flossing advice on before or after brushing.
_everything is raw material. everything is relevant. everything is usable.
_iron sharpening iron causes sparks. there’s necessary friction. always.
_god has breathed life into us. god's spirit is at the heart of action. the aliveness of god. the creating presence of god. i learned the verb 'create' from genesis 1 is used throughout the bible. the spirit not only created but creates. so my prayers lately have followed the lines of psalm 51:10, "create in me..."
_sometimes when you begin to talk about a crush, he suddenly walks into your office building. wind blowing through the hair, perfect outfit, abs contracted... and giggles inevitably burst without any attempts to restrain on my half.
_i really want to chase fall again. god was at the apex of creativity when he created leaves that change color.
_it doesn’t matter where you live- you can turn any venue or destination into a field trip. if you’re looking for beauty.

the end.
el fin.

i want to set the world on fire

2008-08-23T15:15:00.004-04:00

i’m an all or nothing type of person. this isn’t a reiteration of whats been said about me having fleeting passions. its truth uncovered once again that i find sometimes true of my walk with god. something will ignite my fire and i’ll want to read my whole bible… in a day, read commentaries, theology, get podcasts, talk about god endlessly. but unfailingly, i will go back to my normal routine at best… but sadly sometimes it results in me not picking up my bible for days at a time, as i come crashing down from my high. the extremes and the time between each is truly satirical.

i’m rereading ‘irrestible revolution.’ it wreaks me. it makes me long to be the ‘all in’ type of christian i want to be. we should be. my soul aches to do something radical like sell all of my stuff and move overseas. to live in a community house. to just love people for a living. theres something in me who longs to truly change the world. to do something with whats been given to me. the book poses jesus meaning the stuff he said and i cant seem to let go of the verse mentioned in the book--‘very truly i tell you, all who have faith in me will do the works i have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because i am going to the father.’ john 14:12.

greater things.

than jesus?

“we pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. my god, you will say, if i do that my whole life will be ruined. how would i ever get on in the world?”

i am an all or nothing type of person to a fault. i know. i should find a healthy balance. and be moving at a maintainable speed in the positive direction… consistently. i realize there’s a way to be jesus to orlando right now. but it doesn’t seem like enough, so i get discouraged from even trying. that’s a lie from the pit of hell. (italicized implies deep southern accent).

but i still want to pack up and move overseas. tomorrow.

i want to set the world on fire
till its burning bright for you

a fickle lover

2008-08-19T21:49:00.003-04:00

i'm a sluty kind of passionate person.

strengths and weaknesses. go.

hurricanes are ridiculous.

i want to see the world.

i need to get better at saving my money in order to do so.

i want to see china weifang kite fights.

lorna doone are my weakness.

aslan is breathtaking.

i want to be an olympian!

no hateration in this dancery

2008-08-13T10:12:00.010-04:00

yesterday i was nannying and the littlest guy accidentally slammed shailee’s finger in the door. immediately she started screaming. upon hearing this, poor little guy immediately started screaming and crying ten fold. no doubt, it was derived in fear of punishment that ensues after basically all of their interactions. he is a violent little man and packs a lot of strength, unaware of his own capabilities or the consequences of his actions. anyway. this might seem like a stretch but romans 12 verse came to mind. ‘rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.’
i’m not good at fluffy language. not good at putting things gently. i haven’t experienced a lot of hard things in my life. i have trouble empathizing. sympathize well enough. but to be able to truly identify with and understand another person’s feelings or difficulties. to mourn. literally mourn when someone has had the crappiest week of their life. have so much compassion for a person that i could break out in genuine tears when i see someone upset. i fail.
at least i have found something to live up to.

jeremiah 2:13

2008-08-12T10:58:00.003-04:00

youre the god of this city
youre the king of these people
youre the lord of this nation
youre the light in this darkness
youre the hope to the hopeless
youre the peace to the restless
there is no one like our God
greater things have yet to come
greater things are still to be done
in this city

things have not been going my way lately. its so discouraging. the things that i want most. have worked really hard for. the things i feel are right, have prayed a lot about, have a peace about… are just out of my reach. i’m doing everything i can to strive towards something that i feel i deserve and should be rewarded for. i’m realizing that’s not how god operates. duh. but it gets tricky when youre doing and wanting the things that you feel God would do and want, and what He would do and want for me.

after sunday’s service i went to the top of a parking garage downtown and cried out to God. i had my ipod on shuffle and after i had lamented, i sat and soaked up the beautiful sunset. oh it was glorious, i wish you could have seen it. ‘god of this city’ came on. at first i began applying it to the literal city before my eyes and the impact i could hope to have. i started to make it about the lost people in orlando and was praying for them. then i felt God whispering it to me… ‘greater things have yet to come. greater things are still to be done.

in you.’

i am humbled again to realize i am not god. i have no idea what’s best for me.

i don’t know how people get through things like this without the hope we have in Christ. constantly putting my hope in things that wont hold. and the lack of perspective God provides about suffering- that he is using it to change us and shape us and develop our character. the ways he answers prayer baffles me, his provision of manna- literally meaning ‘what is this’ … what the heck are you doing here God?? what will this lead to?? this would dishearten me to my core without hope. ‘surprised by hope’ says that hope for christians is not wishful thinking or blind optimism- it is the mode of knowing that new things are possible. that i can become new. at the moment of resurrection heaven was brought to earth. God is blind to my past sin. ah. i am new.

my idea of what’s best for me in this moment is going to be shadowed by the better plans God has in store. greater things are yet to come. i have hope for new things. for the continuation of my development as a new person. and placing my hope in the living water. water that doesn’t sit still, always filled with new possibilities. greater things are still to be done.

‘they had been seeing it as the long story of how God would redeem Israel from suffering but it was instead the story of how God would redeem Israel through suffering’

loch ness

2008-08-10T01:31:00.008-04:00

i like adding ‘ness’ to words to justify them in my sentences that wouldn’t make sense otherwise.
no.
wait.
ness doesn’t ‘make sense’ regardless.

i got a tattoo.
wait.
what?

i’ve always wanted one but couldn’t decide what i wanted. i like words. in general. i would never want a design. the type of art i like doesn’t translate well to tattoos. sorry if i offend. but in general, i think most tattoos have a tendency to look cheesy and cartoony.

so on one random day last week i randomly landed on the greek word charis, which literally means, “that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness.” one shouldn't act out of peer pressure in these situations, pick the first cool word that looks kinda cool in some kind of cool language that doesn't necessarily have any meaning to me other than it somewhat pertains to the bible and the time period. i don't think i totally thought it through. wait. i know i didn't.

i don’t fully yet know the meaning of my tattoo. which has proved embarrassing on several occasions in its short lifespan. true or false: i told someone the language it was written in incorrectly. true. its not hebrew. and i fail to adequately recite the literal translation. which is beautiful in and of itself. not true when i fumble through it recalling, ‘something about joy and loveliness and grace…ness’

i seem to have confused the order, because its only after i’ve permanently embossed my wrist that i’ve begun mulling over these words and discovering what grace really means to me. ordinary people might see the importance of extensive research and thought prior to putting something permanent on his or her body. not how i operate.

grace has been a huge part of my life. its what orginally captured my heart. that i, the epitome of a selfish sinful brat, was trying (terribly unsuccessfully) to find some kind of lasting joy and escape from the path i was on. an otherwise hopeless situation, grace upset my human notion about merit, about what i deserved, and what is due as recompense. i was a prodigal daughter who lavishly lived my life with no consideration of anything or one and did (and do) not deserve a thing, but turned to a Father who welcomed me handsomely, lavishly pouring love and grace on me. and since then i’ve been on a path of merciful restoration.

i feel like that is the literal and obvious translation for grace-- that it describes the means by which humans are saved from the original sin, died for, and granted salvation. but i think what i want to remember when i look at my tattoo is the empowering presence in my life that continually works to enable me to do and be what i was created to do and be. i like the definition of divine grace as, ‘an indispensable gift from God for development, improvement, and character expansion.’ without God's grace, there are certain limitations, weaknesses, flaws, impurities, and faults humankind cannot overcome. at the same time i do not disregard the meaningful, more broad reference of God's gifts to humankind, including life, creation, and salvation. i do not want to ever forget the moment i allowed for His lavishing of grace upon me, but more so see it as a perpetual bestowing of gifts i do not deserve yet ceaselessly depend on.

to become the type of person that can change the world.

in turn providing me delight. loveliness. joy.

finally. i watched an amazing movie that made me want... a male fallen star?
[this is quote from a star, reincarnated into a girl...]
“You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.”

stardust. watch it. now.

a rant.

2008-08-01T12:44:00.007-04:00

theres nothing i love more than finding little secrets of a city. probably not so secret, but i recently discovered a fabulous cupcake shop as well as a fabulous book store. i think i might find my life's worth if i were to open a little gem of my own. filled with hand made things and art, books, good coffee, comfy seats. hmm. yes. that is a dream. i have come to love drunken monkey and its unique touches. not to mention their delicious treats. i've been in there everyday basically and i hope i don't start getting dirty looks as they notice my trend of taking the best seat next to the outlets.

on that note! people need to take better notice to other people's stares. if you are being unpleasantly loud in a quiet place when people are clearly trying to read, write, or enjoy their own conversations, please take notice of people continually turning around and staring at you. the look doesn't imply that one likes your outfit or that he or she would necessarily want to hear what you're saying... glaring eyes and an unpleasant smirks generally request a softer voice. they must have missed the memo that was sent to the human race. harsh? maybe. but i will be alert and considerate of drunken monkey patrons' looks to be sure.

sweet mercies fall from heaven

2008-07-31T20:21:00.003-04:00

i’ve always been decent at faking it. i’ve learned to speak christianese and can look pretty blameless from the outside. not so with my mentor. shes such an amazing woman of god that she can see right through my phoniness. she asks questions i can’t answer. has relationship that is so rooted in reverence and love that she puts me to shame. i’m not looking at it as some kind of righteous competition, but i can’t cover up the fact that i skimmed through the reading right before i came or fake true excitement that comes from a overjoy of god’s goodness.

that’s challenging.

i love it. it didn’t take me long to realize that what worked in other settings was not successful with carolyn. conversations were dry, short, and one-sided. it was embarrassing. i felt like running away, calling in sick, but i reverted to the contrary. i read more thoroughly and slowly, and researched so that i could somehow keep up with her in conversation. that i could show the same excitement about god’s word and truth. i did what i said i was going to do. actually prayed for her prayer requests during the week. it worked. god showed up in my time with him. and conversations have been so rich since then, some of the best and most challenging conversations i’ve had in my life. wrestling together with verses, talking about struggles, and expressing our love and gratitude toward a holy god. the result of trying to impress carolyn is transforming my heart and i am now doing it because of god’s faithfulness. i love being truly in love with my god, and am in pursuit for the continuance of the relationship that's developed with god from the relationship with carolyn. not only because i just want to impress her anymore.

for me, this strengthens what i’ve thought and what i’ve had conversations about discipline. we have to get our bodies in the right place- no matter what it takes, for god to grab hold. god used carolyn for me. we often have to take those steps on our own to meet god. he’s been here the whole time. yes. but i think there has to be an unveiling of sorts, a stepping up to the plate, but even that involves some work on our part as we emerge from the dug out.

second thing on my heart right now:
i advise you and remind myself, that you should never devalue the worth of other people’s advice. people who love you and want the best for you can often see when your hurting yourself better than you can yourself. when you’re in it, temporary pleasure can cloud your vision. they remind you that some people never change and never will. they will remind you of your worth. how much god freaking adores you, and that you can rest easy with that knowledge. the rest is insignificant.

i want people in my life who challenge me. i want people in my life who tell me hard truths. who have my best interest in mind and conscious of the wellbeing of my heart. who listen. who have the unselfish god-like type of agape love for me. i want people in my life who remind me of my worth. remind me that god is doing beautiful things to my heart, loves me when i get it wrong sometimes, but that i am still valuable beyond measure.

no beauty could have come from me

2008-07-26T13:32:00.008-04:00

i love color.

i prefer not to use paint straight from the tube, something a design teacher has strongly embedded in me. i love the quest for just the right combination of colors and have wasted a lot of paint in pursuit of these certain aesthetics. either i keep needing to add different colors that compound to unnecessary amounts. or because i've watched my attempts dissolve into murky browns.
the evolution of mixing paint is beautiful to watch, as either one color slowly takes over another or together compromise on something in the middle. within seconds the two colors from different worlds have made something beautiful and fresh, and what i find amazing is the limitless possibilities of different shades and hues. really. there are billions of steps to get from just one shade of green to one shade of blue. and then billions shades of both green and blue. that equals a hecka lot of color possibilities friend.

let it be known that i do not allocate this love for color to neons and pastels. i love deep rich hues. jewel tones. and even more so, i love enriching a color by supplementing it with another. complementary colors are intended to do this, which accounts for my love. i wont try to go to great lengths to describe the colors. paint companies are so good at capturing a color with a name. i really enjoy, too much probably, going to home depot and looking at samples. but lately i'm enamored with deep blues paired with bright oranges, windsor haze and vintage orange; and deep purples accompanying mustard yellows, meadow flower and bee pollen.

i've forced myself to start painting for at least 15 minutes before i go to bed for the past couple weeks. first i was obligatory working on long expected paintings for my mom, but other than that, nothing extraordinary or tangible has come out of it. but its a great discipline that is sure to produce something if kept up.

the most vital thing for me through this is allowing myself to mess up.

i am so paralyzed to even touch a canvas because i don't know what the result will be. my creativity therefore remains stagnate. ideas aren't even given a chance. colors are confined to their own paint tubes. i expect something to magically appear the moment i start, and want to give up when it inevitably doesn't. i get overwhelmed by the fact that someone else will see it and judge it, so it has to be beautiful. perfect. instantly.

nay nay fair maid. in my opinion beauty in its best form results in the passing of time. best example being nature. and the beauty and wisdom of wrinkles. its been tested. taught. worked. reworked. critiqued.

over and over i've been reminded in transcribing exodus, that god's timing is often not in line with ours. his ways are not our ways. thoughts not our thoughts. i digress.

my favorite paintings are ones that have countless amounts of layers. ones that have been worked. you can see in certain paintings that the artist literally poured themselves into it. attacking the canvas. revealing brushstrokes underneath. under drawings. scratching at the surface. i admire them.

i set out just to say that i'm currently obsessed with burgundy and mustard. and wind up with this.

nascent

2008-07-20T15:46:00.000-04:00

check check one two.

in the past few years i’ve really enjoyed discovering who i am and what my past has molded me into. what may seem blatantly obvious has taken me years to uncover. previously content with who i was, not contested, not having any models, not knowing any other way… i floated along. but now i am challenged to be a captivating woman, and that longing has naturally progressed to this. i cringe at the declaration of maturing... but now this comprises of ‘introspective’ blog posts about these actualizations.

its comical.

i invite you into the places where i hide so that it might be harder for me to go back there.

people make me feel more alive. i never thought i was an extrovert. i have a tendency to retreat when i’m going through something. a genuine incapability to communicate. pride. trying to find the balance of keeping a composure in public but being allowed to be ‘not ok’ sometimes. i like to avoid all of that. defense mechanism. i thought i was an introvert because of this reality about myself. false.

i like having schemes when i’m eating. usually this involves saving the best for last. like eating the crust first. except in chicken sandwiches, in which case you save the best edge for last. good salad toppings: last. pop tarts have a very complex routine. desserts generally have a best case scenario for what bites taste best at certain points of the procedure. schemes collapse with breakfast foods. without exception, breakfast food tastes better hot. it then just becomes a matter of speed. true.

psalm 55:16-17 points to a beautiful truth. my women’s small group took on the, ‘snooze button reformation challenge,’ in which we are gleaning the truth of praying at certain times of the day and watching for god to show up. being silent to hear. and having fresh eyes to see. i eagerly anticipate the results and know god will be faithful. true.

nothing lately has been more gut retching, goose bump giving, and heart melting then catching tender glances. like the mom looking at her children. but maybe even more so, when i get the chance to see an older husband or wife look at their significant other with eyes that say, ‘i have chosen to love you every day through this crazy adventure of marriage and will continue to do so until the day i die. after all this time, you still hold the key to my heart and make it beat faster.’ the rest of the world fades away. i saw an older couple dancing to [less than par] jazz music. ok, flat out, everyone was actually pitying this couple that happened to be on the dance floor on accident when the bad set had started. but they did not hear one bad melody. one piercing note. one horrible lyric sang in a key too high. at least that’s what their eyes conveyed. sappy? true.

i redeem myself with the actualization that i value marriage too highly. this is by far not my original actualization, but agree that marriage is a lot of people’s attempt at intense community. marriage automatically, and more easily, satisfies the way we were meant to do life together. and our deep desires for that. americans really do have to work hard at intentional community but i believe everyone is substantially fulfilled by it. in different levels but overall, its in our design. i long to do life with people. marriage will accomplish that, but i’ve beginning to see that there’s more creative ways to achieve it. true.

i don’t want to have someone look at me in similar fashion one day. false.

nas·cent adj: 1. in the process of emerging, being born, or starting to develop.

we've no less days to sing god's praise then when we first begun

2008-07-16T17:51:00.000-04:00

i probably can’t convey this eloquently, but there is a beautiful truth i found in exodus.
god instructs moses to bring the children of israel out of egypt. moses and god squabble back and forth, moses contends he is unworthy etc., and then god throws out the, “i am” answer. you’d think that would end the conversation, how can you argue with that? but moses persists.
when moses and aaron finally man up to go to pharaoh, they simply request to be let go for a feast (chapter 5). feasts last for three days. i don’t quite understand if they were merely asking for three days of freedom or if that implied perpetual freedom after.

out of apprehension of our own inadequacy or the fear that god wont show up for some reason-- i wonder what moses’ intentions were when god called him clearly to so much more. moses cowardly asks for only three days when god envisioned a lifetime of freedom for the children of israel.

i have to read the text closer. but what i got from it is that god has really big plans for us, and we settle far too easily. so are the setbacks (i.e. having frogs and gnats literally in every square inch of their personal space) a result of our unfaithfulness? or are they worked into the plan because god had plans to affect a lot more people (i.e. phararoh and his hardened heart or the magicians who recognized the finger of god) through the plagues and setbacks?

i’ve had a lot of encouragement in what i have set out to do to follow a vision i feel god has given me. i’ve been blessed with really great people in my life who offer gratification freely and reassure the fact that you can trust god. if he calls you to something, he will follow through. i was scared of rejection and inadequacy. even though its only the beginning, i hope that this idea of intentional community will grow and i will be able to take more steps towards the type of intense community i long for. i see that god will see me through. and i should continue to take scary steps. amen.

hot mama jama

2008-07-10T19:43:00.000-04:00

mama jama: 1. a woman who is built and stacked, has curves in all the right places, has perfect body measurements in every dimension, a perfect figure, extremely beautiful, sassy, classy, foxy, and heavenly. basically, a perfect woman. 2. a phrase from a carl carlton song. no one under the age of 35 should use it.

i love to cook. everything about it. i love chopping, measuring, smelling, tasting. i was so limited to my mom’s limited knowledge and my dad’s and brother’s limited palate but i’m nannying for a mom that actually cooks real meals for all her meals, for five people. helps to explain why she needs a nanny. and a maid i might add.
i’m gonna freaking love being a mom. i cannot wait to look at my kids the way this mom looks at them. its so beautiful to see how much she cares about them. its contagious.

i've been awakened to the fact that my heart also melts for boys and guitars. in conjunction with a good voice… take. me. now. but tonight i learned that i too can learn about 90% of worship songs with the four cords i know. watch out.

i am under 35. i support marketing ploys to capitalize on stevie wonder similarities. and urban dictionary.

grow old with me.

2008-07-10T11:05:00.000-04:00

“o, my Lord, i am not eloquent” exodus 4

i just read acts 2 and it has the award for consistency in its goosebump giving abilities. currenently its my favorite passage. along with everything to do with moses.
i realize again how i am unworthy to be loved. it is a miracle that i have friends. really. loving god really only requires clarity. he’s so worthy. loving each other is miraculous. friendship really is a miracle.
everything in creation is interconnected. its not incidental. this whole world was built for that intertwining; god cant even express his self in one being. and the way we relate to each other and are intertwined in each others' lives is all his doing. ugh. i can't wrap my mind around it, but am left only to worship a god that is capable of such a feat.
the exodus verse speaks to me two fold. for obvious reasons, but also because god knew this about moses and it was ok. perfection is never asked of us. shortcomings are built into the design. he heard moses' cry and he intertwined his life with aaron, so that aaron could speak on behalf of moses.
he is so worthy.
everything boils down to these relationships we have in our lives. with all different types of people. people that matter so much to him, people that he spent time kitting together. and then knit into other people's story. after all was said and done, god took the time to evaluate what he made, and we are very good. i’m so unworthy to have that approval. but like backup vocalists in a rap song, words can’t quite capture it. ugh.

my heart beats so fast for community. i can’t talk and hear enough about it.

i step back and evaluate. life is good.
i feel you moses, but i try anyway.

allow me to introduce myself.

2008-07-10T09:08:00.000-04:00

this is who i am at 1:47 am on thursday, july 10th when i don’t feel like sleeping.
posted now, because i don’t have internet.
i believe in dreams. i believe in letting them be known. not only to others, but to yourself. i want to learn how to play the piano. i want to learn how to take excellent pictures. i want to see 1000 places before i die. i’m serious about changing the world. i want to transcribe the whole bible. i struggle with fully grasping what i mean to god. i don’t like justify alignment. i want to live in a community house. even when i’m married. i cry at weddings. i’ve successfully worn heels once in my life. i’ve also only tried once. i want my wedding to be a huge party. with a photo booth as my sole wedding gift, so i can have it at the wedding and then have it stationed at my front door. with cork board filling the hallway. i want to shop at thrift stores to furnish the rest of my house. i want to play monopoly to its completion. i love maps. i easily get distracted. one time i told a boy i was allergic to chap stick so he wouldn’t kiss me. i don’t understand hyphens at the end of a line. i want to be in africa this time next year. to take a sabbatical from my life right now and catch up on a lot of reading. to get asked to dance. i still have hopes for a garden in my backyard. at least some herbs in my kitchen window pots. i want vines covering my house and garden gate. i’m literal and concrete when communicating. abrupt and harsh. i take advantage of people. of god. i’ve gotten in trouble with the cops because of water balloons three many more times than a average person should. i miss younglife camps. i want to mean what my mentor means to me to someone else someday. i want to wakeboard like a pro. i want to own everything in williams & sonoma. i like “&s.” i like lists. punctuation. apologetics. habakkuk 1:5. i love meeting new people. love being at summit. but i’m learning that summit isn’t the only one who’s gotten it right. and that’s healthy for me, being in a hunter bubble my whole christian life. i want to ride a giraffe. i believe love is everything it’s cracked up to be. and i’ll see the love i give returned to me. wrinkle release saves my life. kim mcmanus is a new hero. i missed my long hair today. swings make me dizzy. my favorite park is seaworld. i can’t remember the last time i’ve been. i like working out details. i live in a world of possibilities. it takes longer for me to clean my room than to mess it up again. i’m trying to grow up. and down. simultaneously.
i believe impossibilities are god's opportunities. i believe in taking steps in order that the cliche things i may say are genuinely not cliche, but lived out.

i’m was up far too late.

an answer to jesus' prayer

2008-07-08T21:02:00.000-04:00

dear blogspot,
will you be my accountability partner?
love,
shannon

yes?

great.

in a staff meeting we were sharing what we have been learning lately and one person shared that one thing from sunday's sermon has been sticking with him all week. why do i feel so convicted about everything lately? well. this time it was because i had so easily forgotten this thing that he quoted, even though it really did resonate with me sunday, it had easily fleeted as soon as i passed through the sanctuary doors. tragic. so my question is how do i make things stick around longer in between my ears when it has the tendency to enter and exit so quickly. i think that i… generalized to people in general, need to meditate a little more on what we hear, in particular sunday sermons. but expanded to what we read too. writing out the bible has helped me so much with this. to slow down. reading the psalms too. i have been rereading some of the same ones constantly. whenever i get a free minute. my soul needs it right now. but to my surprise (which is shameful), i am able to glean something new from the same verses every time. it doesn’t loose its refreshing abilities. god is so freaking beautifully talented. so, as a challenge to myself i shall talk more about sunday sermons during the week, look back on the notes i write, wrestle with it, take the things said and a.p.p.l.y. them, to create and take applicable steps in new and creative ways… to somehow make it stay in between a little longer so that my heart and therefore my actions can have a little extra time to grab hold.

i appreciate it blogspot.

define: holy goosebumps

2008-06-30T08:47:00.000-04:00

there are moments when i get glimpses of heaven. in recent history there’s been times in worship, watching acts of selflessness, a time when a kid at base camp recited a verse from memory, people repenting, listening to people when they're talking to God or about God. each is such a beautiful occurrence and often i get goosebumps during. i’m convinced there is a link and i’m grateful for a tangible expression of god’s presence. call me crazy.

i got bored of french music.

eat my dust.

2008-06-30T08:32:00.000-04:00

_with a voice i cry out to the lord; with my voice i plead for mercy to the lord. when my spirit faints within me, you know my way!
psalm 142

planes are majestic in nature. the white trails they generate mark territory and announce the transport of travelers to new lands or return to the familiar. but these tags that prodigious engines make stand boldly for only a few precious seconds. within a few moments, a gravity-bound eye glances back. searches. only to be assured of the fact that it has in fact, vanished. like it had never even interrupted the atmosphere. a bandit in broad daylight.

but in the short lifespan of those paths, they must find themselves silently thankful for their winsome forefathers. for without those vanished pathways, they would not exist. not be in that very particular and intentionally placed position within the huge vastness of blue. they are indebted to those evaporated paths.

i watched a lot of planes on a bus ride from amsterdam. i found the faster the planes went, the faster the trail disappeared. and vice versa- slower planes had longer trials. there's science hidden in there somewhere... in the last couple years i’ve had a disappointing amount of slowing down. even points of stalling out mid air. i have lots of big ideas, mostly vague, that could potentially send me through the vast unknown at compelling speeds. however, other people, my own waning, shrinking in fear, reality checks, uncertainty… whatever the reason, it keeps me grounded… or, at best, flying at dangerously low speeds. consequently, my trail dissipates at a slower rate. pangs of hurt linger. sadness still seems real. could-have-beens still held onto, still on the radar. a shining white cloud mocking against the brilliant blue. i can look in my rearview window and the weight of those clouds could crush me beneath their weight.

i have no regrets. i’m forced to be reverent for the trails that brought me where i am. i do not completely forget them but time has a way of erasing details. memory likes to remember the good things. either consciously or not, the bad doesn’t seem quite so bad in hindsight. at least the hindsight when you’re a couple thousand miles away. when you’ve finally arrived in london, the four-hour lay over in philadelphia doesn’t seem quite so bad anymore. nevertheless, good or bad, i carry those things with me, but there is a direct relationship between the speed at which i continue forward and my perspective of the past.

when flying, airplanes don’t have a reverse. we can’t revisit the good times. cant relive the hurt... amen. but we must, with all that we have, forge ahead. remembering our trail and what has brought us to this place, taking the lessons learned, looking ahead and enjoying the ride… hoping for some turbulence—just because i really do love it. no symbolism. i really just love it.

_my mouth will speak the praise of the lord, and let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever.
psalm 145

true life: i'm a blogger

2008-06-27T12:42:00.001-04:00

they have made me jealous with what is no god; they have provoked me to anger with their idols. deuteronomy 32:17-21

my inclination towards phases was on my mind as i was talking to my mentor. i felt god convicting me as our conversation moved towards idols. we’ve been hanging around in genesis as i set out to write the whole bible, and realizing god’s hatred toward idols in the old testament puts fear into my heart. i just might be guilty of turning something i’m really excited about into an idol.
my phases have ranged from triathlon training to moving to boston to an intense hunger for learning the entire english language (that one still exists). there was a point where i also bought all the essential cds and books to teach myself Spanish. i buy books constantly with hopes i will read them one day. how-to books, fiction, nonfiction. seminary was a fleeting phase not completely quenched, pescatarianism, craft projects galore, tennis, cooking, owning a long dinner table, being a teacher, crackling everything i owned, learning to play piano. i was on a sunflower stint in high school, salsa dancing hype, mastering the art of making both fishing poles and kites. blogging.
at their peaks it is very easy, frighteningly easy, for my excitement for something new and fresh to overbear seeking God (notice: big "g") with fever.

psalm 31:5-7
into your hand i commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, o lord, faithful god.
i hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,
but i trust in the lord.
i will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.

what up gangster.

2008-06-24T20:36:00.000-04:00

my mind can't stay on one thought for too long, so it tends to operate in lists.

wisdom i have to bestow upon you tonight:
1. i learned today that you shouldn't name something that could potentially be permanent after something evanescent.
i am a girl of fleeting phases. i get really excited about something now and again and after interest wanes, time is squandered, people are irked by my incessant behavior and i've spent significant amount of money on 'necessary' materials, the phase goes into remission and i move on to something else. could last a day. a week. at most, a couple months. i had a new one debut today. french music. because of this, i ran the idea by a friend to entitle my blog 'i love french music.' the impulsiveness of which i live by told me this sounded like a really great idea. honestly, this phase will probably last a week, and then i would be stuck with a blog that put my integrity in jeopardy. i would be lying to the world about the current state of my french music affections. so don't do it. (i realize there are multiple reasons for not naming a blog 'i love french music.' please don't judge me and my banal uncreativeness.)

2. i also feel i know that white people shouldn't say gangsta. its gangster. cause we're wannabes. its an important seed of truth that i invite you into.

first post. check.